Dear Diary,
Oh great. Just before we get to Casperia Prime and I can enjoy some vine, vimmin und song after being consecutively eaten, insulted, threatened with exile and finally escaping saving lives in the bargain, I get killed. [CENSOR]****[/CENSOR].
When I got to the Pearly Gates, I found St. Peter waiting for me. He looked in a book and said, "Ah. Sam The Man. Hmm... attempted sabotage of the Eternaty, putting 'The End' in a Storytime post, and... wow, you're a naughty boy Sam, playing Pokemon A Curious Shade Of Pinky-Russet, Tinged With Mauve And Vomit-Coloured Stripes, hmm... I have just the place for you."
He stepped onto the floor next to the stariway to Hell, uttered a secret password, to reveal a dectuple-locked safe, covered with bars, welded shut and with a 10-ton weight sitting on it. He melted the welding with holy fire, threw the weight aside as if it was a toy, ripped off the bars, opened the safe, and threw me in. As I fell screaming I saw him replace the bars and stuff over the entrance hurredly, so that nothing could escape from the horror within.
I found myself falling, falling, to a strange yet somehow familiar shape. An asteroid in space, with two tall buildings at either end. As soon as I landed just to the side of one of these buildings, my head fell off. I re-appeared, and my head fell off again. This happened again, and again. Suddenly I realised. I had been condemned to a fate worse than Hell itself... the Llama Farm! A place where the immortal souls of llamas are sent to be llamas for eternity!
Eventually I managed to duck behind one of the buildings before I could be respawn-sniped. I shouted a challenge to the camper up on the opposite building. "PH34r /\/\3, 5700p1d!" the bewildering reply came back, before I was shot again. After getting to safety again, I dug out my Universal Translator and attempted to work this strange language out, but upon feeding the text in, the Universal Translator immediately screamed and ran off. I must find it if I am to communicate with the inhabitants of this accursed place.
Finally I waved my hanky round the corner of the building. This seemed to provoke tremendous excitement from those around me, who had ignored me and each other before. They started to escort me back into the building, safe from the snipers. As soon as I was in safety, one of them fired a rocket at me. Luckily I was only knocked down, and didn't have to go outside again. My agressor then took my hanky and tied it round a nearby flag, then jumped up and down shouting "1 4/\/\ 50 1337! 1 0\/\/n j00r 455!".
Bruised and reapeatedly decapitated as I was, I seem to have been accepted into the order of this building, which seems to be at war with the other. Since they all wear pitch-black clothes, I do not know how they tell each other apart. From what I could gather, they will soon make me into part of their team. I must escape before llama-ism truly traps me down here.
Supplemental: I found my Universal Translator hiding under a load of debris that had been exploded from the roof's building. I am unable to budge it from its hiding place. I must try to coax it out and trap it somehow.
