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The Ward is finished

Discussion in 'Other Stuff' started by Cat Fuzz, Sep 17, 2009.

  1. QUALTHWAR

    QUALTHWAR Baitshop opening soon.

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    We could have the snails eat the patients one by one until they are all dead, except for Ward. After the first patient is eaten the rest think Ward has become a cannibal so they band together to collect a stool sample of Ward’s and in a big scene, you see all of them sifting through the poo looking for human hair. They use their bare hands and get poo all over them; their hands, faces, hair, clothes, furniture, drapes, a chair leg, an exhaust fan mounted in the ceiling, a .. oh, got carried away.

    Anyway, in a twist, we learn that the head doctor of the mental ward is actually stark raving mad with a gigantic unibrow that looks like a furry caterpillar boinking his forehead. He has a passion for escargot which explains all the snails running around the ward. His master plan to take over the world hinges on growing humongous snails, so he feeds his patients to his crazed snail horde. The audience sees that the snails are growing quite large from feeding on human flesh, but they’re still pretty small and seem unthreatening.

    That is, until the last scene when we see the crazy unibrow doctor walking into his office and behind the door is this snail that’s over 7 feet tall. The office door slams shut and you hear these horrific screams. Next, you see a camera panning along a big slime trail on the carpet that leads all the way outside and into the woods. The movie ends with everyone wondering why they paid 10 bucks to see this, and if Ward II, Slime is a Crime, will come out next year.
     
  2. The Purple Bunny

    The Purple Bunny Super Mario Breakdance!

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    That is a great idea for a movie. You know what it needs though? Michael Bay. Giant snail go BOOM for no reason.
     
  3. QUALTHWAR

    QUALTHWAR Baitshop opening soon.

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    Wait! We need to amend the ending and some of the movie. We hear the horrible screaming from unibrow’s office, and next we see someone from the knees down walking through the slime on the carpet. The person has a mismatched pair of slippers. One slipper is a furry, yellow dump truck, and the other is a furry, red corvette. Throughout the movie, this is what Ward always wore, so we must assume it’s him sloshing through the slime trail. As the person walks the trail, we see what looks like slimy holes that have been punched into the walls and slipper boy is walking through them to freedom. It’s as if a giant snail just crashed through the walls and into the woods. Then we see slipper boy walking into the woods along the slime trail.

    Ward, as you recall, seems different because he’s had to defend himself against others who were trying to kill him for snail sucking when he wasn’t guilty. Then as the snails ate everyone, Ward is somehow still alive, so the audience is wondering what’s up with Ward, and actually may feel a little sorry for him because people tried to kill him and he’s wearing mismatched slippers.

    Then near the end of the movie there is a scene where Ward walks in on his one-eyed cleaning lady girlfriend only to find that he’s been replaced by a Hoover vacuum cleaner. So now the audience is sort of rooting for Ward, but wondering why he’s still alive? Is he a snail man who can transform? Does he walk into the woods at the end to join the snails? To be a snail? To fight the snails? Just to escape to work for McDonalds?

    Now we have a good ending to our story because we have a pirate-looking, eye-patch guy with mismatched slippers who harvests human eyes with a corkscrew living in a death zone walking a slime trail into the woods that appears to be made by a giant snail crashing through walls and the audience is wondering when the next movie is coming out and why.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2009
  4. oosyxxx

    oosyxxx teh3vilspa7ula

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    That one gave me a war hell ride. Bravo!
     

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  5. QUALTHWAR

    QUALTHWAR Baitshop opening soon.

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    The opening credits roll for Ward II, Slime is a Crime, and we see 3 research scientists tracking through the woods looking for evidence that Rosie O'Donnell is actually a shaved Bigfoot when they stumble across a mass clearing in the woods with slime pools on the ground and hunks of slime hanging from a few tree branches. They soon realize that whatever made this must be at least 40 feet tall because slime is dripping from broken branches that high up in the trees.

    The scene changes to a patient being escorted down the hallway of the ward to see the new dentist who has just joined the asylum. As the hospital worker swings open the dentist’s door, we see his face, and the patient’s chair, turned away from us. He’s flipping through pages on a clipboard that appears to be the patient’s chart. Then he swings around with the chair and says, “Have a seat and make yourself comfortable, Mrs. Greenwald.”

    Ahhhhhhhhh! God, no! Awhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Get me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     

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    Last edited: Oct 1, 2009
  6. The Purple Bunny

    The Purple Bunny Super Mario Breakdance!

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    That doctor looks like a nice guy. I would trust my life with him.
     
  7. QUALTHWAR

    QUALTHWAR Baitshop opening soon.

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    yes, i think someone who can't see a half inch in front of them is someone you want poking a high-speed drill into the back of your mouth!
     
  8. oosyxxx

    oosyxxx teh3vilspa7ula

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    What has become of your life post-The Ward?
     
  9. Cat Fuzz

    Cat Fuzz Qualthwar's Minion. Ph34r!

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    Starting a new movie on Tuesday. "The Big Bang" starring Antonio Banderas, Sam Elliot, Snoop Dog, Delroy Lindo, Bill Duke.
     
  10. oosyxxx

    oosyxxx teh3vilspa7ula

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    Can you pass along an idea that would improve the script? Can you make sure there's a scene where Antonio Banderas shakes hands with Delroy Lindo's dick?
     
  11. Cat Fuzz

    Cat Fuzz Qualthwar's Minion. Ph34r!

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    I'll suggest that. I don't see why they wouldn't do it. I'll make sure you get a credit for it too!
     
  12. QUALTHWAR

    QUALTHWAR Baitshop opening soon.

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    ya know, those creadits roll by pretty fast
     
  13. oosyxxx

    oosyxxx teh3vilspa7ula

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    I think by "credit" he meant "majority royalty."
     
  14. QUALTHWAR

    QUALTHWAR Baitshop opening soon.

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    oh, then it's all about the money
     
  15. oosyxxx

    oosyxxx teh3vilspa7ula

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    It's all about something, honey.
     

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