Well, let me tell you what happened.
So Wednesday my phone line was turned on. There was a phone jack in the kitchen, so I plugged my phone into it. Turned the phone in, nothing worked. So I opened the little jack box thingy, and the wires weren't connected. I hooked up the two I needed, Red and Greed. Still didn't work.
So I went outside, to where the line should be coming out of the house. Yeah, the cord was cut.
We also bought a house that somebody had decided to stuff a rolled up phone book in our sewage drain off pipe. Yeah, I don't enjoy brushing my teeth, looking over to see my bathtub filling up with poop and pee. Hooligans.