Dear Doctor CHRYSt

[CHRYSt]

Re: I have a problem

Originally posted by Matsumoto
I really enjoy spending "quality time" with my fiancee. Unfortunatly, I work for 10 hours a day, and am on the road for 2 hours. She sits at home all by herself for that time with nothing to do. I would bring her to work, but I'm sure management doesn't want that kind of mess on their hands. I would stay home, but then I make no money.

So... do I make money, or spend "quality time" with my fiancee?

I actually have a similar problem. The way I worked it out wasn't too hard.
I left the little lady at home with pics of me and an 8" rubber dong. Tht keeps her happy until I get home. Then we spend the weekends together for real.

Unfortunately, in today's world work schedules leave little time to foster a healthy, loving relationship. But with proper planning, and the use of Netmeeting, butt plugs, porn, and dildos, things can work out OK. You just need patience.

 

[flare]

Doctor CHRYSt

can you at least give me a extra penis? put it on my forhead or something

 

[CHRYSt]

Originally posted by Flare123
Doctor CHRYSt

can you at least give me a extra penis? put it on my forhead or something

No, What I can do is remove your penis. I can then give it to you with a bit of adhesive backing on it so that you can re-attach it anywhere that you'd like.

 

[flare]

ok cool thanks man you rule!!!

 

[flare]

ok I got another question

where can I buy me a whore? can I buy your chryst?

 

[CHRYSt]

Originally posted by Flare123
ok I got another question

where can I buy me a whore? can I buy your chryst?

My CHRYSt costs more than you could ever afford.
Try Grace Street in Richmond

 

[flare]

LOL

 

[phil]

hey chryst as I live in richmond I realy must say that the best transvestite hookers are on broadstreet......

 

[thewalkingman]

You inmates keep listen to Dr.Chryst

We all know what will happen when she gets done with him

 

[Syri]

Dear Dr Chryst

I keep playing UT instead of going and meeting girls. i want to meet a nice girl, but i'm too nervous. Is there any hope for me?

 

[Sir Robin]

Dear Dr. Chryst,

It appears that a couple of branches on my family tree have become badly infected the dreaded white trash fungus. Since there is no known cure for this, I thought that I would do a little pruning on the ole family tree, if you know what I mean. However, it has come to my attention that some shortsighted lawmakers in my state have made it illegal for me to give natural selection a little helping hand. I've tried leaving sharp objects and poisons laying around them in hopes that they would just take themselves out of the gene pool, but so far they've only managed to cause minor injuries. Can you help?

 

[CHRYSt]

Originally posted by D-Stroya
I keep playing UT instead of going and meeting girls. i want to meet a nice girl, but i'm too nervous. Is there any hope for me?

None whatsoever. And since there's not, you're not breeding, which is not helping to propagate my species, which means you're wasting my resources. Please place your head into the nearest wood chipper.

Originally posted by Sir Robin
Dear Dr. Chryst,

It appears that a couple of branches on my family tree have become badly infected the dreaded white trash fungus. Since there is no known cure for this, I thought that I would do a little pruning on the ole family tree, if you know what I mean. However, it has come to my attention that some shortsighted lawmakers in my state have made it illegal for me to give natural selection a little helping hand. I've tried leaving sharp objects and poisons laying around them in hopes that they would just take themselves out of the gene pool, but so far they've only managed to cause minor injuries. Can you help?

Yes. You see, you are also infected with this fungus. Therefore, you can feel free to take any measures necessary in removing infected members of your family. You will then use similar, or at least just as effective methods to remove yourself from my gene pool.
If you don't manage to "cure" yourself, then the state will do it for you once they are alerted to the laws you've broken.

 

[Red Oozing Anus]

Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoy reading your column and can't wait until your radio show reaches us here in Idaho.

Now for my problem. I believe I have made a terrible mistake.

I am an avid fan of peehole widening. Two weeks ago I inserted two 1/2”galvanized lag bolts and all felt fine. About 3 days later I began to experience an intense burning sensation when urinating. I decided to remove them but they would not come out. I tried pulling and unscrewing, using many different forms of lubrication including KY, WD-40, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and porcine love drippings. In a last ditch effort, I tied them off to a doorknob and slammed the door shut.

The doorknob broke off and shattered. Now what should I use for my ongoing anal widening project???

Thank you,

ROA

 

[Sir Robin]

Dang! I was afraid that I might be infected too. Well, thanks Dr. Chryst. I reckon 500 pounds of napalm ought to cure things.

 

[CHRYSt]

Originally posted by Red Oozing Anus
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoy reading your column and can't wait until your radio show reaches us here in Idaho.

Now for my problem. I believe I have made a terrible mistake.

I am an avid fan of peehole widening. Two weeks ago I inserted two 1/2”galvanized lag bolts and all felt fine. About 3 days later I began to experience an intense burning sensation when urinating. I decided to remove them but they would not come out. I tried pulling and unscrewing, using many different forms of lubrication including KY, WD-40, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and porcine love drippings. In a last ditch effort, I tied them off to a doorknob and slammed the door shut.

The doorknob broke off and shattered. Now what should I use for my ongoing anal widening project???

Thank you,

ROA

Are you widening your pee hole, or your anus? You mentioned both.

First, please don't be embarrassed of this. Pee-hole widening is a very common, albeit taboo practice. And this is a common problem. What happens is this:
The linung in your urethra is rather delicate. If you insert something that's too rough or wide, you'll cause tears and bleeding. These can cause painful urination, and will cause the object to stick.
You should have started with a drywall screw, then tried to fit another. Then move up to larget fasteners, with lag bolts being farther on.

There are a few solutions to your problem.
1. Have you tried Liquid Wrench® and an impact drill?
2. You could cut your penis lengthwise, and peel it away from the lag bolt. Then close it with Super Glue. Make sure you don't do any widening till that cut heals!
3. Query the local bums to find a hooker who can "suck a golf ball thru a garden hose" and see if she can remove it.
4. If none of the above procedures work, You will have to simply remove the entire penis.

This procedure will cause you to become a waste of flesh, and you should just kil yourself if it's deemed that this is necessary. If you can't or just shouldn't reproduce, you should simply shuffle yourself off this mortal coil.

 

[pine]

Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

My dog stinks. I mean, she stinks ALL the damn time. Whenever we try to wash her, she just goes and finds the ripest deer carcass available to roll in (I live in the woods). One time my dad buried a large salmon that had gone rotten in our freezer in the backyard, in a hole about four feet deep. Our dog dug it up and rolled in its maggoty goodness.

Is there any way to instill a sense of cleanliness in this dog? Or perhaps some greater intelligence that would enable her to unravel the connection between smelling like week-old rotten ass and not being let in the house (ever)?

P.S. - Despite slight circumstantial evidence to the contrary, I do not suffer from the White Trash fungus. So don't advise me to kill myself please.

 

[flare]

Dear Doctor chryst

I just accidently killed a monkey

what should I do?

something that doesnt invole me killing myself please.

 

[CHRYSt]

Originally posted by Pineconeboy
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,



My dog stinks. I mean, she stinks ALL the damn time. Whenever we try to wash her, she just goes and finds the ripest deer carcass available to roll in (I live in the woods). One time my dad buried a large salmon that had gone rotten in our freezer in the backyard, in a hole about four feet deep. Our dog dug it up and rolled in its maggoty goodness.



Is there any way to instill a sense of cleanliness in this dog? Or perhaps some greater intelligence that would enable her to unravel the connection between smelling like week-old rotten ass and not being let in the house (ever)?



P.S. - Despite slight circumstantial evidence to the contrary, I do not suffer from the White Trash fungus. So don't advise me to kill myself please.

White trash fungus or no, you still can't take care of a dog properly. If you can't take care of a dog, then you should go make out with the business end of a shotgun.

But maybe you just don't know how to take care of this dog. Well, it's simple. If things like training and discipline don't work, you could invest in about 3cc's of a strong barbiturate. The particular one I'm talking about currently is affecionately known as "Pink Juice." Ask your local veterinarian.

Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Doctor chryst



I just accidently killed a monkey



what should I do?



something that doesnt invole me killing myself please.

If you killed a monkey, you must eat it. You must not throw away or waste any part of that monkey. If you can't eat a certain part of it, or use it for tools or clothing, then you should have sex with it.

If you leave any part of a dead monkey unused, you deserve no less than death by a pack of enraged bull dykes armed with 14" black rubber cocks.

 

[flare]

ok thanks for your advice. I ****ed the dead monkey then I ate the whole thing and made a statue outta the bones.

 

[ZenPirate]

Yo Doc!
Please help!How the hell can I get the voices in my head to like me??I mean,they are always sooo damn negative.Always spouting off 'bout,"Ooo,she's a lovely,isn't she" or..."why not grab an axe,and end this conversation now"..or the more mundane,"Shut up and grab the cat and the instant jello"..What am I to do?Why can't we all just get along? shut up you m0!!
I will not.this guy can help us No,he can't ...here kitty,kitty...