The ring of the lords

[NeoNite]

A while ago a dark horse made some rings. Noone knew why, not even he.
Nevertheless he gave the rings to a bunch of transgenders, midgets and people who wouldn't live long.

One by one they succumbed to the power of the rings. The Dark horse sat on his throne in the land of Modor where the shadows lie. And they never made any records because they were lazy.

Frodo found the ring in his toilet paper, and Bilbo said it was an accident. He made some chocolate cake and fed it to his parrot. Why? Todayit was 111tenth birthday and he lost it.
"I want to see mountains again, Alf! Mountains!", he said.
Alf turned to Willy and replied: "No problem!"

Frodo took the ring to the council of the transgenders and the other ones. They sat on chairs for many hours until the sun went down and the bad moon pooped up in the sky. Frodo didn't like this story very much and abandoned it. There was a general outrage but Frodo did not care. He took his Samwise with him because the road to Mordor was very long and cold. And food doesn't grow from trees, ye ken! Or does it....

Bilbo tried persuading Frodo from leaving the party, but it was to no avail. Frodo became really agitated and nearly decapitated Bilbo. He took two little bastards named meriadoc and pippin with him as well.

And they followed the road, despite bilbo's warnings.

To be continued.

 

[NeoNite]

Part deux: Dinner with Sauron.

So it came to pass that the dark Lord Sauron invited pretty much everyone to a fancy dinner in the castle of Baraddurr durr.. something like that.

Sauron had invited the following people:
Mister Frodo, Samwise gamgee, Bilbo baggins, the Schwoltelwaitz (family who really envied everyone in the shire), Tom Bombadill, Arargorn, Lothlorien, Treebeard, Pony Phil, That one guy, Theoden, Mistress Maria, that one guy who released his arrow waaaaay too soon, Gimli, Boromir's corpse, Faramir, Ug, Spoonman, Theodore luimpenstraw, Trump, Donald mouse, The beatles, Spiderman, Galadriel, Neil Mike Vivian and Rick, Han Solo and Darth Vader (who promised no more deflecting laser blast with his hands trick), Arnold schwarzengger (Sauron realy loved him in Predator), The Predator, Pamela Anderson and Veronica Zemanova, Luicano the Parrot, Smeagol, Isildur, Elrond, A Balrog, The Dragon reborn and Lanfeear, Isaac Asimov and George carlin.

To be continued.

 

[Manticore]

Keep it up NeoNite.... I'm interested.

 

[Manticore]

Part deux (continued):

When all the people arrived at Sauron's digs for the dinner the old wizard realised he had not invited Steven Colbert and Salvador Dali.

He was so preoccupied by this he didn't realise that his beard had trailed into a candle sitting on the table and that he was now on fire.

 

[NeoNite]

Bilbo couldn't stop laughing at this display of utter comedic genius. Although it was not intended that way, Sauron got up from his chair and took a deep bow.
"Now where's the lettuce?" said a rather drunk Aragorn and collapsed into a heap of potatoes. Sauron frowned really, really hard and couldn't supress a mild, innocent smile.
"Enough with the trickery!" an old man shouted. It was Gandalf and he was overcome with rrage! The sound of hoofs rang throughout the halls of the damned as Shadowfax came galloping into the seemingly impenetrable fortress of Sauron.

OY! YOU THERE! STOP AT ONCE!
It was an Ork. Gandalf halted Shadowface at once. He bend over and eyed the horse closely. "Huh? What's all this then? Where's Shadowfax? Who are you?" Gandalf nearly slipped from the saddle as the horse suddenly licked the inside of his nose.
Fancy that.
The Ork questioned Gandalf's seriousness and integrity as well. Gandalf became really upset this time and smote the Ork into the fireplace Luckily it wasn't ablaze witht he fires of doom.

The Ork came stumbling out and asked for Gandalf's invitation. He didn't have any. The Ork asked the G master to leave the premises and yes.. he might get invited NEXT time but ONLY if he would keep his manners. And old Wizard and his tricks. Not really appreciated at a classy conference such as this. Gandalf turned the horse around and wandered off into the darkness. Like Strider once did.
Aragorn came back to his senses and licked the potatoes from his face. He asked George carlin if he was a fussy eater. George smiled at him.

Sauron eyed that pretty ring Frodo was wearing on his index finger on the right hand which was on the other side of his left hand.
"That's what I'd call quite the posh ring you've got there, m'lad. Do you mind if I take a look at it? Sauron kept his voice loud and it boomed all over the table.
Frodo agreed. "Sure, here you are bucko me old matey!"
The entire fellowship nearly died of a heart explosion as Frodo handed Sauron the one ring...

To be excommunicated and sent to Sunnydale.

 

[Manticore]

The two Hobbits, Frito and Misto were flabbergasted..........

 

[NeoNite]

They sure were. Especially when the doors of the lounge swung open and in came hopping on both eight legs our little fat wobbly bobbly friend arch nemesis matey ...Shelob. Well, she's actually quite large and mean. And she certainly was as she took Boromir's corpse from his seat and dragged it along the floor into the dark hallway. Never to be seen again.

Good old Boromir. Once upon a time, a long time ago, but not too lnog our good friend Boromir (who was probably most likely right about now to be sucked completely dry, whatever remained of him, by a swarthy fat menacing spidergod named Shelob) stood out on top of Minas Tirirth peering out into the distance. His father Denethor came up to him and smacked him on the head.
"THERE!" he shouted. Young Boromir followed his finger as it pointed towards the vast plain of Pelennor Fields. The point of Denethor's big ring finger indicated there was a stream following about a quarter halfway in the distance to the northwest of the pointy end of the top of Minas Tirith.
There it flowed passed the grassy knolls of the fields, and many a flower grew along its evergreen borders. Not only that, but also a vast array of plant life, and mosses and fungi. Suddenly it bend along an outgrow of great bushes, tumbling ever so slightly to the east in steady declines. It followed its route into the east towards a small group of trees whose fiery eaves danced in the morning hues of the sun. There it was caught by surprise as a ravine suddenly swallowed up the volumes of droplets and crashed down upon a collection of grey-ish black stones. These stones were populated by a colourfull mosses weaving an intricate pattern as if caught up into a kaleidscope of elusive figures switching back and forth through hazes and mists of uncanny proportions. Either that, or some pigeons took a massive dump on them on a daily basis. There the stream bravely continued its course into the depths of middle earth and a pletora of muted voices told tales no man could ever believe. For their lives were too brief, but a candle suddenly held under a waterfall or in the dark if you prefer, but maybe elves could sit down and chime into this

Saruon got up from his seat and took out his sword. He ran up to the man sitting near the window writing down all this drivles. He chopped of his head and it fell down Barad dur into the lava. The table company applauded Sauron's bravery and well.. genuine good spirit. The story that bastard had been writing down was a crime against humanity and well.. anything breathing air.. and so on;

Frodo was smling as Sauron took his seat again at the long, long, long, long, long,long table. Sauron frowned, and asked Frodo why he was carrying such an intent smile on his blushing 60 year old face.

Aragorn couldn't take it anymore and had to go the toilet. Number two, most likely. Only, there was a slight problem with that. Isaac Newton nodded vigorously.

To be continued.

They're making me do this. .. Help me! The Hollywood elite wants me to rape the Lord of the Rings and turn this rubbish into a new trilogy! HELP ME!!!

 

[-Jes-]

Best thing I've read on the board this year!

 

[NeoNite]

Most certainly. And it will only get worse!

Part ..I lost count already..of how many I've killed.
Prequel interlude to:

Citytrip to Atlantis

Tatata taaaa tatata...tata tataaaa tatata taaaa taaa tataaaa ta ta taaaa tudum tudum

Frodo giggled once more and that pushed Sauron nearly over the edge. Sure, this satanic overlord being was known for his everlasting patience (3000 years is a heck of a long time). But this little old bastard (compared to Sauron he was but a strappin' young lad) was mocking him.
Or so it seemed. Sauron got up from his chair and paced there and back again, from the fireplace to the candles on the chandelier suspended over a beautiful hadadrim carpet weaving intricate patterns into infinity.
He stepped on a pigeon and it nearly died.

Sam got up from his chair as well and ran up to Sauron and slapped him on the wrist. He called him a brute and animal molester. Sauron agrred wholeheartidly. Sam blushed and returned to his seat.
However this pigeon was one of Sauron's favourites. Eddy was his name. Oh good ol' Eddy and his whitewashing experiments on the Orcs.
Some extremist group accused Eddy of being a privileged pigeon and perhaps even ever so slightly somewhat inclined to be of a possible racist nature. Could it be? Sauron pondered this very important riddle, and decided he didn't care. A pigeon who can freely shit on Orcs and get away with it? Most pigeons can only draem of such luxury. And who'd mess with Eddy? Sure, Shelob tried. But then Sauron came dashing through the cobwebs and opened a can of whoopass on thtat fat insolent bitch.

Sauron decided to cross examine Frodo and handed him a mensa test. Frodo started sweating profusely. He had been confronted with this horror before. A long time ago, back in Hobbiton.
It was on a sunny day. Most likely Sunday, maybe another one. Bilbo had passed out in the armchair again. He had opened the vineyard's best red wine. And didn't stop at one bottle oh no no no...
he never did. Worst thing of all, before he passed out Bilbo made it a habit of creating a map of the Shire. Deep down there, in the dark of his knickers. And who was the poor sod who had to tear of the soiled garments and in the process get sprayed by countless droplets of brown ale? Yes, mister Frodo.
Frodo had tried switching places with Sam. Even promised him he'd own Bag end. One day...

But Sam wouldn't fell for that. Sure, he had the mind of a simple gardener. A brain shaped like the lovechild of a cabbage and potato. PO-TA-TOE!
And rabbit stew in his pockets. Frodo never got why he did that.
"Sam...", he said as he watched the fat little hobbit working in the garden of his gaffer. "What's all this then?"
"Well, I e-e-err I.." Sam stuttered. He eventually gave up and blushed all over his basketball shaped face. Frodo threw his hands in the air and shook his head. He nearly crashed into Gandalf as he walked down the wooden steps leading to the main road of Hobbiton.
Gandalf screamed and lifted Frodo by his hair. "A WIZARD IS NEVER LATE FRODO BAGGINS! NOR IS HE EARLY! HE ARRIVES AT THE EXACT TIME HE IS EXPECTED TO! WHEN WILLL YOU STUPID LITTLE BASTARDS UINDERSTAND THAT?"

George carlin took notes. Hmm.. yes yes.. oooh.. ah.. yes.. well, ahh.. yes I see.. hmm..
The audience turned ecstatit as George delivered his material at his new stand-up comedy show in Minas tirith. Aragorn clapped and laughed like a mad man. Arwen had hung her head in shame and covered it with her hands.

That was before the dinner with Sauron.

Spiderman got up and lifted his finger. Sauron asked him why he did that.
"I have an idea" Spidey said.
"Is it a cunning plan?" a smelly midget asked Peter Parker.
Indeed it was. Spiderman proposed a citiytrip. The fellowship agreed and cheered. And guess where they were going?

ROOOODNEEEYYYYYY????!!!! A man with pointy hair came running down a flight of steps. A gate activated. Rodney stared at the blue light.
"Oh no...."

To be continued.

 

[NeoNite]

And so it came to pass that the lord Sauron... simply stepped back while the other (fools)wandered into the portal and ended up in Atlantis. This turned out to be quite a boring and exceedingly dull citytrip as the gang got stuck with Meredith. This jovial and excentric character took them to a small room and locked them for the duration of five days.
He had nevertheless been ordered by another bald guy with glasses to show these hmmm.... ehmmm.. well.. cartoon thingies.. around the city (well, the recreational areas perhaps but most certainly the waste facilities for a quick and thorough training into maintaining these very imporatnt aspects of the fabulous famous city Atlantis. No greater honour could be found in cleaning these continuously used quarters.)

Alas Rodney couldn't be arsed and had locked them up in a very small room. Some started panicking and commited suicide. The others ate their bodies and drank their own urine like some flat earther does.
Some gnawed their way through the walls but ended up in the line of fire of chewie (also know as roono..ronin..ringo..dexie you know)
It didn't end very well for any of them. Well, live and learn I suppose.

Sauron watched the portal close and took a deep sigh of relief. Finaly he got rid of those rude guests. They had made a mockery of his servants, messed up the cuttlery and one fiend in particular had soiled his pants and rubbed it all over the table cloth.

The dark lord himself strode of to the window on the right and gazed out on the dreary plain of Gorgoroth. Something needs to be done about that. Maybe applying some cillit bang to those rusty badlands. Mordor was in dire need of a nice spring clean.
Shelob didn't like any of that as she shat out the remains of another one those foul orcs.

To be continued.