(Courtesy of TheOnion)
Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds
CHARLESTON, SC — John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."
"I'm so glad we waited until we got married—it made it so much more special," said the 26-year-old Linda, who is "pretty sure" John's penis penetrated her vaginal opening during the brief, fumbling lovemaking session. "I can't imagine what a letdown our first sexual experience would have been if we'd done it at some point during our five years of dating."
John, 27, agreed. "As I prepared, sweat-drenched and terror-struck, to insert my semi-erect penis into my petrified new bride, I couldn't help but think what a precious, magical moment it was. Then, as Linda started to cry out from the anticipation of pain from the first-ever breaching of her tightly constricted vaginal walls, a tear of joy streamed down my cheek."
According to the devout Lutherans, after retiring to their bridal suite at the Charleston Marriott East, Linda decided to initiate the evening of romance and dread by excusing herself to the bathroom, where she spent "approximately an hour" changing into the floor-length cotton nightgown she had purchased especially for the occasion.
Recalled John: "When I saw Linda emerge from the bathroom, a vision in billowing, opaque cloth, her head and hands peeking tantalizingly from the tight collar and cuffs, the moment we first fell in love came rushing back to me in a wave of adoration and fear."
After an estimated 45 minutes spent in prayer and devotionals to ensure the smoothest possible act of coitus, John made sure the windows and doors were all securely locked, and that all windowshades and blinds were closed. He then reached to his nightstand to turn out the lights "to contribute to the feeling of romance" and "because Linda refused to let me touch her nightgown until the room was completely dark."
Trembling in giddy anticipation and fright, the longtime couple climbed under the sheets and blankets, where John took his place on top of his blushing, sobbing bride.
"As with millions of young newlyweds who haven't yet had sex," John said, "there was some nervousness and confusion at first. But after a couple of minutes, we figured out that it would be easier if Linda separated her legs to facilitate entry."
Penile insertion was somewhat complicated by John's refusal to assist the navigation process by touching himself—an act the Bible strictly prohibits—but a few more minutes of unsteady shifting and jabbing enabled his penis to "almost certainly" enter Linda.
Having at last achieved probable sexual congress, the couple was brought to new heights of nervous, clumsy passion. "As I ran my trembling hands over John's rigid shoulders," Linda said, "I said a prayer thanking our Lord Jesus for giving us the strength to wait for this wonderful, fulfilling moment. It certainly was every bit as special as I'd hoped."
Added Linda: "I'm sure the first time isn't anywhere near as magical for all those young people who don't save themselves for marriage. Now I know why God wanted us to wait."
As the sexual act wore on, Linda said it grew gloriously tolerable, describing the experience as "endurable beyond my wildest dreams."
"Toward the end," she said, "I was almost relaxed enough to enjoy myself, and then, of course, John ejaculated." Linda declined to elaborate on her new husband's sexual climax, but said, "I can definitely say that the encounter, which yesterday would have been an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God, was noticeably pleasurable, and probably even somewhat erotic in nature."
John agreed wholeheartedly, calling their wedding-night union "the most exciting minutes of my life." Immediately after finishing, the newlyweds took turns showering.
As for the future of the couple's sex life, John said he is full of hope. "I'd like to maybe try actually touching Linda's vagina with my hand at some point," he said. "Then again, I don't want to rush things. Also, I've heard that the vagina kind of smells bad."
"I certainly hope the Lord will now bless us with a child after this wonderful night," Linda said. "If not, we may be forced to repeat this beautiful experience."
