An Unreal Tournament tale...

[NeoNite]

The night was dark. And smelly. Migthy smelly. Incredibly smell as well. It numbed the mind, and the muscles. What, in a name, could have polluted the Liandri arena like this.

Could it be the bodies? Possibly. But the stench never became THAT bad. Could it be the excrement plastered to many a wall? Left behind by heavy emotions of many an arena warrior?
There's that possibility.

Bob had been rummaging the sewers of Dm-smellyhole. He didn't last long. The pay was great, but the hours were long. And not to mention his suspicions. Maybe said arena.. was worse than the other arenas in terms of filth. Could it be? Maybe some of his superiors didn't really like him? Bob had considered it. It couldn't have been Frank, his immediate hoss who is in charge of appointing arenas/sewage cleaning to all workers? Could it?
Just because bob had "accidentally" deposited a fresh bomb of goo in Frank's precious coffee cup?

But now Bob had found himself transferred out of dm-smellyhole. His new "place of action" was dm-fractal. That did sound a lot better than the previous destionation. I mean, what could possibly happen in such small arena?

100 lightyears further up ahead, in some direction, a dude named Maclolm woke up in his bed. It was early morning, and outside faint flecks of snow had accumulated into a white carpet.
Maclolm cheered, jumped out of bed and put on his uniform. Naturally including the eternal communicator and worthless rucksack.

Somehow he couldn't get rid of those things. They always seemed to be there. Even if he ...he was sure he had... it's not as if they were stuck to his body...

Strange. But Maclolm went downstairs. Halfway the hallway he opened one of his many closets, and grabbed his trusty flak cannon.
Then he went out and got himself a nice loaf of bread. He got back home and went to the kitchen. He put the bread on the table, and used his flak cannon on it. It fragmented. Maclolm gently squeezed his nose, and faint traces of a glorious smile touched his dry lips.

Carefully he placed the pieces of warm bread in a bowl. Now, he turned around and went to a large wooden box in the left side corner of the kitchen.
He opened the heavy lid with certain effort, and grabbed the warcow by its tail.

Sure, the animal protested because it knew what would come next.
Maclolm needed milk with his bread. But one does not "milk" a warcow as one does it on planet earth. Actually... warcows normally don't have any milk. Humans "modified" these poor animals to produce said delicious liquid.

Maclolm rudily smashed his right hand in the warcow's

100 lightyears back, Bob had finished cleaning up Fractal. Oh sure, things couldn't have gotten worse hm? No no no! Frank does not hate me, bob figured! At all!

Millions of gibs! Pouring down! A relentless avalanche of meat! The smell! BY LIANDRI ALMIGHTY! THE SMELL!

Bob sat down, and slipped on a piece of gib. He broke his neck and that was the end of it.

Back on Napali, first Skaarj commander Willy poked his nose with a sniper rilfe.

To be continued.

Ah, the reactions so far are overwhelming!!

[m]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJTJDkwPs0o&list=PLCE55DFEED058FB1D[/m]

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!! THANK YOU! CHEERS!!!!

 

[SkaarjMaster]

clap..clap..clap..

 

[NeoNite]

The adventures of first Commander Willy on Napali
-------------------------------------------------

Part 1: It's a sniperrifle's life anyway...

Willy didn't care much for the endless boring sights of Nyleve's falls. Always the same thing, those boring birds flying over those boring ponds, and those boring tentacles hanging in those dull, uninspired houses build by some of the most boring species in the universe. I mean, how much more boring can one be? Building temples and whatnot for a supposed bunch of very boring gods. Especially the one at Vandora's boring temple.

Not to mention those asshole tentacles would occasionally fire their pointy projectiles at you. And always at the lower regions. Either his croth or rectum would suddenly undergo a series of vicious stings. And those tentacles would laugh. Yes, they'd laugh. Willy was sure of it. There weren't any Nali to torture and terrorize anymore.

Willy didn't really care much for anything related to Napali. He kept poking his nostrils with the business end of the sniperrifle. Large boogers stuck to the Surpressor, a variety of sickening, vomit inducing colours plastered all over his very own weapon of destruction.
And how he had defiled it through the many years of sheer, utter boring on this vast planet of Naboring.

Always the same places. Nyleve's boring falls, Rraboring's mines, Chizra boring temple...could life really get any worse? Why was he undergoing this agony, a subtle attack on his persona? He knew that high commander George couldn't stand him. He hadn't, for the most part of his stay on Napali. Maybe it had had something to do with how Willy once sucked up to the Queen... maybe Willy wanted to be high commander someday...

Well, that George would get it one day. He surely would. Willy would make sure of it. But George's life was way more exciting than Willy's. One day he'd be on one planet, the next on another. Submitting weak races to the will of the Skaarj. Trampling upon their legacy, destroying their ideals, slashing their bellies wide open, smeaing the intrails over the surrounding flora or ridiculously weak build housing structures. Taking a large shit into their leader's heads.

Ah, that was life. That was adventure. That was smooth sailing into the seemingly neverending thrillseeking joyeux rollercoaster of ultimate pleasure.
But it was not be for our friend first Commander Willy. Instead, he kept poking his nose with the once prestigious sniperrifle, now reduced to an instrument of nostril cleansing.

Willy sighed. He counted those stupid birds again.. and those bloody nali rabbits hopping all over the place! Now where did those little bastards keep coming from??? No matter how many he would slay, another would pop up! And another! AND ANOTHER!!! Willy had eventually smashed an asmd over his right leg, breaking both. He had to spend THREE WEEKS... into one of those stupid huts... while dozens of nali rabbits went hopping by. Gazing at him. Challenging him. Taunting...their mesmerizing tiny dark eyes peaking into his soul, drilling into his mind. Willy... willlyyyyy.. you can't get us now, can you.. hahaha.. willy the weakling... yeah bitch...our house..

Willy, enraged by this uncanny display of brutality had nearly lept out of his wheelchair... he screamed at the top of his Skaarj lungs .. NAY! IT'S MY HOUSE!!! MYYYYYY HHHOOOOOUUUUSSSEEE!!!!

Then he had collapsed back into his rickety, shabby wheelchair. It sighed under his weight, and creaked a million different tunes.

Ah, sweet memories. But that was last month. He would get back at those little shitbirds. Naturally after he had taken care of the high commander. Naturally.
In the meantime he kept poking his nose. The feel of the cold steel submerged him deeper and deeper into his world of ever increasingly vivid daydreams.

To be continued...

 

[Leo(T.C.K.)]

Played too much coop on the original Unreal maps? I mean that's only when the usual places start really feeling so boring. lol
Also who the hell gave such a horrid name to a skaarj commander? Does he have a small dick?

 

[NeoNite]

The adventures of Leo(t.c.k.)
------------------------------

Part 1: He strickes again!
*-*-*-**-*-*---*-**--

Leo smashed his fists on the metal table. The flatscreen almost wobbled down into the abyss lurking nearby. He regained his sanity as this thought flashed through his head, and pure panick flowed through his pulsating veins. Just in the nick of time. He grabbed upon the edges of the noble piece of hardware, and gently replaced it on its original position. Not a milimeter too far, not one too close. Spot on. He caught his reflection into the screen's sparkling beauty, and grimaced. What was that?? How is that possible? A SPOT! Only nearly half of a milimeter, yet.. there it was. There it had been.. for how long... he couldn't remember.

He gazed outside his tiny window, and took in the sights of an alien planet. The outside world was taunting him. 'Come to us' it whispered into his brain, a hypnotising droning beat echoing through the halls of his word processor.

Slowly but steadily, he rose up from his chair. This produced a stretched wet and sticky sound. It must've been ages he had been looking at that text.. on his perfect screen... near perfect.. massacred by a unscrupulous fiend. Temperatures in the room soared well above the 28 degrees Celcius.

Somebody had also been messing with the central heating. Who would do such evil things? Who would smash a bro like Leo?

Leo got out of his chair with great unease, and nearly got his pants caught onto the edges of his beloved resting place.
He cursed the heretic responsible for these traitorous deeds. Firmly grabbing the flak cannon into both hands, he casually strode towards the door of his private quarters. Sweat drops were sliding down his throbbing head..

Then came the light. A sudden flash, so bright it caused Leo to shriek. His mind exploded in a thousand cries as he entered the world of Napali. A famous tune began playing in his mind. Or so it seemed? Leo carefully regained his balance, and drunkenly wobbled toward the blaze of this almighty alien sun.

It took some while, but gradually his view restored back to its former glory. Leo went from seeing gray shapes and misty structures to the wonderfully exciting world of Nyleve's falls.

Next to him stood a Skaarj. He must be someone quite important, as he had several ribbons stuck to his armour plated chest.

The Skaarj, who went by the name of willy, stared at Leo for quite some time. Eventually Leo couldn't take it anymore.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Leo spoke with a strained voice. "and don't I know you lol?"
"My name is Willy" the Skaarj mumbled. His head had slowly turned back to the world of Nyleve's falls. His eyes were huge and vacated. Drool was dripping from his mouth.

Leo frowned hard. His eyes reduced to tiny slits, he wondered what had gone in to the Skaarj? Maybe he had played too much coop on this place? Did he even know what coop was? Maybe he had a tiny dick? Would he even dare ask him that question?

Willy snorted. Leo coughed. A nalirabbit came by and pooed into a nalifruit bush.

To be continued...

 

[Balton]

shame this is hidden so well

 

[Leo(T.C.K.)]

Oh, great....now I'm part of this insane world...and I thought I was already through so much and all the UFOs and MIBs and everything in this year was enough...apparently it never just ends...
and now when reading this i almost choked on that very very spicy chilli pepper without realizing i was biting right to it.

 

[Exus Tecius]

i want one with balton pls.

 

[Argus]

This is beautiful. I think I cried a little.

 

[-Jes-]

This is beautiful. I think I cried a little.

Mix it with a little puke and you have my response to this mindblowing tale of magic and wonder.