The Adventures of Kew...

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DRT-Maverick

Lover of Earwigs
Dec 4, 1999
3,670
16
38
38
Reno, NV
Wrote a fiction story. Kind of a lame name, but yeah. here it is:


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Part One
Introduction: Ill-Fated Memories

The old Nali glanced up from the rusted dinner tray, dirty silverware clanked against the plates and metal trays the guards had given the prisoners. He looked around at the brown brick walls, stained by blood, with a thin layer of green mold growing on them, living off the blood that had been splattered on the brick walls over the years.
Kew, as the man was known, noticed a thin layer of fog from the humid tropical rainforest had fallen upon the old prison, and had settled inside of the building, making things hazy. This used to be a nuisance, but now it was just a fact of life for the prisoners of the old penal colony.
Prisoners around Kew were eating their food, a slop of some stew containing plants and animals around the premises of the prison, some were fighting over the lasts scoops at the serving stations, things were noisy, but not too noisy, and the Krall guards didn't take kindly to loud noises.
The Krall, a species of animal who once were nearly extinct, were brought back by the Skaarj, their hideousness represented that of a horny toad that could stand on four legs. Their hearing was extremely acute, but their eyesight is quite poor, do to the experiments performed on them by another species known as Skaarj. Not much is known about Skaarj, but rumors persist...
Kew’s mind wondered from the dank cold prison walls, back to an older time. It had been three years to this day that he was taken prisoner by the Red Hand Tribe, a notorious and hostile clan of some of the most vicious Krall. A clan Kew and his friends of the phoenix, to reclaim the Black Raven Inn of Ill'haven, an olde' small harbor town near the caps, a colder climate, and a darker one as well. Great evils dwell in those areas. It was the responsibility of Kew and his companions to take the Black Raven Inn, but things didn't go as planned...

Kew and his companions arrived in a small wooden boat in the cold morning mists of the sea. A cold front had swept into Ill’haven Harbor, bringing a dense, dark, and mysterious bank of fog that rose off the water, making visibility difficult. Kew decided to use this fog to his advantage, using it to mask his small boat.
Looking up at the sky through the dense fog and mist, Kew could see the moon shining down upon them, and the brightest stars shown through the fog as well, he took his chance to pray to the Gods of Good Lore, while he still had the moon. He prayed in meditation, for strength and safety on this mission.
They hit the south wall of the upper Warf, a smaller harbor for quick trips between the town and the large boats that couldn't dock in the main harbor, they would send small boats filled with crew members, to this Warf.
Kew stood up, and looked at the men - cold, tired, and hungry, but in good spirits, and ready for the fight ahead of them - this would get them through safely.
"Alright," Kew whispered softly "we know that a Krall guard stands among this tower, once we take him out we can access the inside of the Inn, let us go."
Kew climbed to his feet, careful not to capsize the boat, and grabbed onto the stonework of the wall, a stone wall, which made it easy to climb. The other Nali fallowed suit. Tim reached the top and helped the others finish the climb. They quickly proceeded from that point, kneeling to avoid being seen.
Puddles of rain had gathered on the stone floor, lonely puddles, broken only by the occasional droplet of water that splashed into them. The gray of the stone made them seem lonelier. But these sad puddles of rain posed a slight threat to Kew and his companions, for the Krall have keen hearing, and the sound of a footstep in the puddle would catch the guard's attention, alerting him of the presence of Kew and his companions. They crouched and crawled carefully, avoiding the puddles.
The Krall stood inside an old stone tower, with a warped wooden roof, and some chimes softly speaking in the wind. The Krall looked out among the sea, straining to see through the dense fog that had set on the olde' harbor town. He had thought he had seen a large boat approaching the harbor, but couldn't be sure, since the harbor was covered in a blanket of fog. He had completely missed seeing Kew and his Companions paddling silently up to the Warf.
Glancing to two of his companions, he gave a small motion with his hands representing a rope strangling, and pointed to the Krall, signaling to strangle the Krall on his cue. With that signal the two moved into position and Kew slipped up near the Krall and walked into view. "Hi there ugly." Kew said softly. The Krall pulled a staff shaped weapon ready to hit Kew with it when his two companions wrapped a metal wire around its throat and pulled it tight. The Krall kicked a little and clawed at the wire, now embedded deeply in its flesh, then fell silent. Blood seep out of the laceration like thick crimson syrup.
Something caught Kew's mind, something that didn't feel quite right to him. The Krall didn't hear them, and wasn't really paying attention to anything but the sea. Perhaps he was just really trying to see if there was a ship out there, but it didn't feel right to Kew. It was too easy.
Kew and the other members opened the gate to the Upper Warf, and one of the companions went back down into the boat and brought it into the small harbor. Kew and the other three headed down the stairs to the harbor, and gathered their supplies and weapons from the boat.
There raid began at that moment, the three of them walked down the stairs to the underground passage of the city, a dark and cold place made of stone. As they walked past the water pits, and the drainage trenches in the passage, the sound of bats and the calls of ghosts could be heard. It was a sad place, despair reigned down here, and the cold reached the bones of the six of them.
Suddenly, Kew heard the talking of Krall above them, he motioned to the others to get down and keep quiet. The Krall were discussing something about gambling and were arguing over a loss, eventually they walked away and Kew could see them through the grate in the city street, as they walked away.
Kew and the others sighed in relief and continued on. The sound of bats grew louder now, and an occasional bat flew above their heads, through the stonework, in the direction of the Warf entrance.
A slight breeze blew, and Kew knew they were near the city entrance to the old underground passage of the city, which lies in the house Kew once occupied. The house now barred and shuttered, preventing Krall from getting in, he hoped.
Reaching the entrance, the small team silently snuck into the main room, an old carpet lay on the ground, and cobwebs hung from the ceiling. An old cabinet sat near the wall, and Kew walked to it, picking up an old painting of him and his wife, the love of his life, the last love he would ever have. After her death, he found it unbearable to be with anyone else. Sighing softly, he set the painting back down, wiping some dust off it, and walked back to the men. They checked the other rooms for Krall. Finding none, they gathered in the main room, and quietly they checked their weapons to make sure they were all prepared to venture out into the streets of the Inner City of Ill'haven.
Kew pulled out an old map, a rugged, brown map, worn by time and use, and set it in front of the others, motioning for their attention. They gathered around the map and Kew began to explain the plan, and how it would be executed.
The six of them were to walk through the side alleys, avoiding all main streets, until they reached the olde house near the pub, then, access the upper rooms above the pub, which connect to the Black Raven Inn. They would then traverse through the halls carefully, until they reached the door which connects the two buildings together, and make their way in through the halls, killing any Krall they came across, until they reached the main room, in which they would split up, take each entrance to the room, and by force take the Black Raven Inn over again, freeing it from the grip of the Krall.
Kew stood up from his position, and motioned for the rest to get ready, they would leave in five minutes. He looked around the room at that moment, remembering a past life, in which no Krall plagued their lives, where his wife was still alive. She kept the house so beautiful, with decorations and paintings on the walls, beautiful furniture around the place, and beautiful rugs, one which they were on right now. He missed those days, the days now gone. Sighing he turned back to the rest, who were now ready to leave.
The six of them began their journey through the dark and cold stone alleys of Ill'haven. Things seemed sad in this place, most of the windows were locked from the inside by the Nali. Wooden boards kept the evil of the Krall out of the home, while families of Nali lived in fear for themselves and their neighbors. The Krall had done a good job of intimidating the Nali, that was their plan, to control them, violently if necessary.
A cold wind blew through the alleys, unnerving Kew and the men, they quickly gained their nerve and continued on, through the alleys. Boards, bricks, and dirt were piled in these alleys, making them difficult to traverse. Sometimes rusty pipes would come from the buildings, making it difficult to pass through easily. They maneuvered their way.
Kew suddenly stopped the men. The sound of Krall could be heard around the corner of the building, they silently ducked down, to avoid any chance of being heard, and listened to the Krall arguing. They couldn't quite make up what was being said, but Kew believed it was something about a small genocide among the weaker Nali, to keep them from rising up. He didn't like the sound of it.
Silently they crept back into the shadows, and waited for the Krall to leave. Three minutes past before the Krall continued on their patrol and the six Nali quickly darted over to the other building, hiding their presence once again.
Finally the six of them reached the side of the Olde Pub by the waterway, it sat, lonely, empty. A place once filled with laughter and commotion, now silenced and dormant, the old wooden doors stood closed now, which they almost never were, except during storms, and when they were redoing the interior.
Kew crept quietly up to the door, making sure there were no Krall around, and pulled on the old rusty door handle. The door creaked open, revealing a dark room, barely visible to the six. They quickly got inside, and closed and barred the door behind them.
Kew lit a candle, and then lit the lanterns on the walls, and quickly covered up the dusty old stained windows that cast eerie shadows on the floor. The room was cast in an eerie candle lit glow, old wooden chairs and wooden tables, worn from years of drinking, a wooden bar with dusty bottles on it, and support pillars in the middle of the room, keeping the ceiling from caving in on the little bar. Cobwebs hung from the ceiling, sometimes getting in Kew's face, which he promptly brushed off. Kew never liked spiders, in fact, he despised them.
Looking up, Kew reached for a tiny lever on the ceiling, having difficulty reaching it, finally he grasped it, and pulled. A small door opened, and a wooden ladder, which seemed to have never been used, slid down for the six of them to climb. This was their entrance to the building above the bar. It used to be used in the days of yore for escaping the bar when one was in trouble with the law. Now it would be used to take back the Black Raven Inn.
The group quickly climbed the old wooden ladder, reaching a small compartment, with old cracked wallpaper, weathered by time, and an unlit candle. Kew lit it, and searched for the lever that opened the wall passage. He found it against the wall to his left, and pulled it. The wall creaked, and opened, allowing passage into the old hallway. Unlit lanterns lined the walls, of the hallway, the wallpaper was old and worn, a cold feeling. Kew and the men walked down the hallway, passing old wooden doors, with patterns carved in them, and some old paintings of past faces that once stayed in these rooms.
Eventually the group reached the split in the hallway that lead to each entrance of the Black Raven Inn. The other members split off, walking down the old brown hallway to the other doors. Everything was going to plan, or so Kew thought. Little did Kew and his companions know that the Leader of the Red Hand Tribe had been watching the seas closely, and the Krall in the front tower was just a decoy. He had expected this kind of raid to occur, and had spotted the large boat, knowing exactly what was to come.
In exactly one minute the six members poured into an empty old room, bare, nothing but the wooden walls, and the floor. Some cobwebs hung from above. That was when the first shot came. A wall completely fell away, revealing a battalion of Krall. They fired their weapons at Kew and his Companions, who fired back with their pistols, and charged, swords rose. They impacted with the Krall in a bloody battle of swords and pistols. Kew turned to see one of his companions go down with a staff through his skull, and the Krall firing a few shots of plasma from his staff into him. He lunged forward and took off a Krall head, blood spraying in his face, when he heard the scream of his men. He stopped to see only he and two of his companions stood. They were cornered, and he called for them to surrender. He and his companions dropped his weapon.
This was the end, Kew knew it, he would die this night, but perhaps he could negotiate for the safe release or imprisonment of his companions. He would much rather have them alive than dead, as they were like brothers to him, and the loss of the three others now weighed heavy on his heart.
He watched the Krall part, and the leader of the Red Hand Tribe came forth, in all of his majesty. The other Krall seemed to treat him as a King. He was dressed well, in red velvet. He was an elite Krall, his skin was grayer than the others, who were brown, and he had blue markings on his body instead of red. He was a Krall to fear. The Krall looked at Kew, and the other two Nali, and signaled something to the Krall. Before Kew could react, he was knocked cold with the two other Nali.
Kew awoke again, to find himself in a cell in the Prison of Nali'Pente, the cold walls that now surrounded him to this day.

Kew's attention was caught again, and he was brought out of his little world, and brought back to the damp, but cold, prison dining room. His two companions had sat down near him, with their food, and looked at him. Kew could see they were ready for the night, and the events that would soon come.
"Is everything to plan?" Kew asked the Nali to his left, Shaper, the older his companions. The man nodded in comprehension, and looked about for Krall guards that might be near enough to hear their conversation.
"As long as we leave this place Kew, whether I escape or die trying. It's the only way for me to go, I cannot live confined here, knowing that one day, it will be my turn to walk up those bloodstained stairs, into the upper execution chambers to be killed." Shaper responded. Kew nodded.
"So tonight." Elias, the other Nali said. Kew Nodded.
"Are you ready for it though?" Kew asked him.
"Yes." This was the only response he got before Elias stood up and walked off. Shaper followed suit. They did not want to attract attention from the guards by having a group. They needed to keep their profile low.
Kew nodded to himself. Tonight would be the night, if everything went to plan, the three of them would soon be on their way back through the jungles, to a small Nali village, and hopefully getting transport back their homes, in Ill'haven.
Kew stood up, and turned, leaving the dining room and walking back to the entrance of the room, in which he was shackled with heavy steel cuffs, and lead to his cell, where he would have them removed, and would be put back into the cell, and locked until the next morning.
 

5150

Frequent Visitor
Jun 2, 2000
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Sorry I didn't post to say I liked it--I read it right after you posted--I want to read the rest of the story.

It's just that I have read so many with no ending(not knowing where the author posted the rest of the story-if it ever got completed-etc.)it gets frustrating.

Any one know what happened in that FACE fight where his daughter got dragged in--that was a good story...
 

DeDpoet|BuF

Only this, & nothing more...
Dec 6, 2001
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ja wohl!
it's an interesting read.

I'll be quick with my thoughts:

The fact that you are so detailed with describing the environment/surroundings is great. I'd like to see more personification and simile though - it really helps bringing the world 'to life' and often helps readers visualize better. It's wierd, but true. Other than that, adept writers can 'fast forward' or slow down different parts. Don't be afraid to experiment with this!

from the cheap seats, so take it with a grain of salt.

overall, I think it's pretty good!
 

DRT-Maverick

Lover of Earwigs
Dec 4, 1999
3,670
16
38
38
Reno, NV
Here it is, part 2.

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Part Two
The Escape

Sunlight from one of Na Pali's two suns streamed down through the moss covered rusty old metal bars of Kew's jail cell, giving his cell a irridecent green glow, that, along with the fog that had settled in the prisons, gave a creepy atmosphere to the world around him. As this sun slowly set, it came to Kew's realization that his escape from this place of torment and death would be underway in only a few more hours. This gave him time to think about what he was really doing, making sure his plans were correct, and how he would get past every guard stationed in their posts tonight. It also gave him time to think about the dangers this put him and his companions in, and what would happen to them if they were to get caught.
The moon was starting to rise in the twilight sky, Kew could see it through his east window. Kew was luckier than the other prisoners, for his prison had not one small barred window, but two, allowing him to see the two suns of Na Pali rise, and set. The moon was just peaking over the rainforest trees in the east of him. This was the white moon, the first moon that rises in the evening sky there. It's large omnious figure would, in a few hours, be followed by the rising of a red moon. The two moons would dominate the night skies. This was their cue, the time they would escape their cells through the bowels of the old penal prison.
For the past week, Kew and his companions had been taking nightly turns checking out tunnel systems, and routes, waterways, and other things down in the crumbling network of tunnels under the prison. They watched out for eachother while one was under the prison, making sure the Krall guards didn't know they were gone. It was a difficult task, that was slow and painstaking, marking the tunnels for this night, but it was worth it, for Kew knew the old tunnel systems quite well, he had walked through it in the cold and dark, with the slime between his toes from the years of buildup of moss and mold, one wrong step could send a man falling to his back or his face, and possibly drown down there. The devil fish also posed a potential threat to him and his companions, as they were quite vicious, and were able to tear flesh right off the bone. Kew had marked the waterways that they swam in to make sure no incidents involving those fish occured. The one fish he could not prevent complete conflict with were the biter fish, small packs of pirrahna like fish, that would bite at him as he would wade through the deeper waters. They would draw blood and sting a little, but they posed no threat unless one was submerged in that position for more than an hour, which he hoped none of them would have to do.
It was much colder down in the waterways, for the Penal colony had cold water flowing in its bowels to the guard's chambers, while the prisoners had to drink from the filthy water they also bathed and deficated in. Because of this, nearly five prisoners would die a day from diseases, while new prisoners would fill the old cells of the dead quickly, who half would die within their first two weeks of staying.
The sun was finally nearly set, just a small beam of sunlight stretched from the peak in the distance to Kew's weathered prison cell, and the air was cooling rapidly. The temperature never dropped below 60 degrees at night here, but the days were usually around 90 degrees, so there was a significant temperature difference between night and day, which Kew and the other prisoners were quite thankful for. Working in the heat all day, laying large bricks, mortar, and slabs of concrete down to extend the penal colony's size, was a daunting and torturous task. The night air was their only relief from the heat.
Just about an hour more. Kew thought to himself as he watched the last beam of sunlight fade into the twilight night. The red moon would soon be up, and Kew and his companions would be on their way. Kew's adrenaline was already pumping through his veins, he knew this was it. But he wanted to make sure the guards would expect nothing of it, so he had to wait a little while after lockdown and sleep.
Kew remembered the grates in the tunnel system. Old and rusty, they posed a hazard to him and his companions, for guards could look through those weathered old grates and see the Nali escaping. These posed a different threat to Kew and his companions, which would be dealt with carefully while navigating the tunnel systems.
Kew lay quietly in his bed as lockdown in the prison began. The Krall guards walked around from cell to cell, demanding all candles be put out at this time, if someone refuses, he or she will be pulled out of the cell, and beaten until he or she cannot remain conscious, then they are thrown back into the cell, and their candle is taken for the rest of the month. Kew was always careful to blow out his candle and lay in bed a few minutes before lockdown, just to be safe. He feared being beaten the way he had seen others.
The slowly passed by, and Kew counted the time, then slowly got up. The concrete floor was cold to his bare feet, and the air was chilly and humid in the night sky. Kew looked through the bars of his window, the white moon shined brightly in the sky, the red moon yet to show itself over the treetops. This was the time for Kew to make sure he was prepared. He reached under his matress and revealed a small bag, of which he packed a small knife in, some stale jerky, and some dry Nali healing fruit, which someone smuggled in for him a few weeks ago. He packed up his blanket, and added the candle and a few flint rocks to his pack, and tightened it. These were the only objects Kew would be taking with him. He was prepared for the long and trecherous journey ahead of him and his companions.
The minutes that passed felt like hours to Kew, as he waited for the right time. Kew counted the time and slowly got up from his bed. He did this in a quiet manner, to avoid alerting the guards on patrol. He grabbed his pack from under the mattress, and sat back on the bed quietly, he wanted to be ready. Finally the red light from the moon shined through his prison cells, illuminating the ground with a deep red. Kew stood up quietly from his bed, and walked over to the grate. This would be where his escape would start. He lifted the rusty grate quietly, and placed it on the ground next to him, trying not to make any clanking sounds. As painstaking as it was for him to move the heavy grate slowly, he did. He crawled through the grate, and realised that he had forgot his pack. He cursed to himself and crawled back out of the shaft, and frose. A guard was standing right next to his prison cell, tapping his fingers against his Krall Staff. He looked around, looking into the cell, right at Kew. Kew's eyes went wide, and he began to sweat as the Krall turned toward him, the Krall studied the room, looked around, and turned back the way he was looking, then walked away. Kew nearly collapsed, he remembered how terrible the Krall's vision was and prayed to the Gods of Good Lore for sparing his life. He quickly grabbed his pack, and headed into the tunnel again, pulling the grate closed behind him.
Kew carefully navigated his way through the tunnel system of the penal prison of Nali'pente, finally reaching the area where the three companions would meet, underneath the Cell Sector, where all the wings of cells met, this was where they would begin their escape together. Shaper was already waiting there Kew and Elias, while Elias was just arriving from the tunnel to his left. The three could barely see eachother, the only lightsource they had was from the torch, shining through the grate above. The light cast eerie shadows upon the walls, and made the water shimmer and dance upon the cracked, moss covered stone walls.
The three of them shook hands, and continued down the tunnel, following the markings they made in the stone walls nights before, to lead them to the entrance of the tunnel, where they could escape into the world. Moss, roots, and spider webs brushed their faces as they travelled along in ankle deep water, cold water, it made Kew shiver. Thirty more paces, then to the left ten more paces, and they would swim about six feet and they would be free. Kew felt a shiver run down his spine, a shiver of excitement and anticipation, for he hadn't breathed free air in three years. This was an exciting night.
After a minute of walking through the tunnel systems, the three of them reached the area where they would have to swim. It was pitch black, Kew took a candle and snapped it in half, then lit one half, and placed it on a stone brick, lighting the small tunnel up. Water shimmered, and the light danced along the walls and ceiling of the tunnel system, the lighting seemed to dance as well as the flame flickered.
"Okay, the biter fish and devil fish are less active at night, but it is a good idea to move as quickly as possible, for they stir quite easily, and we don't want to come head on head with a devilfish or a large pack of biterfish." Kew mentioned to his friends.
Kew eased himself into the water, trying to splash as little as possible. He feared the devilfish and biter fish which may be lurking in the water. He slowly submerged into the water, and the other two followed quietly too. They began to swim through the cold water, moss lined the walls, making it slippery. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Kew's head broke the surface, he gasped in deep breathes of precious oxygen, before the other two broke the water. Unlike Kew nad Elias, Shaper was hurrying to get out of the water.
"We need to get out of there quick! Come on hurry up! Get out of the water now!" Shaper demanded.
Kew and Elias quickly started getting out of the water. "What's going on Shaper?" Kew asked.
"Devilfish."
Elias's eyes went wide as he slipped back in the water on the mossy stone. He thrashed a bit, and screamed when he saw the red eyes of the first devilfish homing in on the splash. Kew and Shaper quickly grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him out of the icy water. A devilfish broke the surface not a second after Elias was out. It thrashed a bit and went back into the deep cold water.
The three let out a gasp, and slowly, after recovering from the shock of almost getting torn up by a devilfish, started laughing, they had just made it to freedom. They had escaped the dreaded nightmare of the penal colony, and were now on free soil. Kew picked up a handful of dirt and let it fall through his fingers, and smiled, smelling some of the green plants around the place. They slowly stood up and started to dry off.
Then it happened. The moment Kew dreaded the most. A bright light shined on the three of them, too bright for Kew to look at. A group of Krall swarmed out from behind the building, trees, and rocks, aiming their weapons at the three. They quickly surrounded the group of Nali. A rough hand grabbed Kew and threw him to the ground. Kew spit some dirt back out that he had eaten when he hit the ground. He turned his head and saw Shaper on the ground to. But where was Elias? His gaze slowly looked up and met the harsh, cold, eyes of Elias, they were filled with hatred. Kew immediately knew what he had done, but it took some time to sink in that his friend would actually do something such as this.
"You son of a bitch," Kew muttered to Elias, "Why? Why'd you do it Elias? 'Twas freedom with us not good enough for you? Did they offer you something we couldn't give you? How much are they paying you, you peice of ****!? You were once a man who I thought I could trust, who was my friend, who I could count on, now, he betrays us to the Krall."
"Shut your mouth Kew," Elias warned Kew, and spit on him. "I had to watch my brother die under your command, the only thing you did for his death was tell me you were sorry for my loss. That's all you did for a fallen companion, no ceremony, nothing, just, sorry for your loss. That day I swore I would avenge his death."
Elias turned toward a Krall, who Kew recognized as the prison commander, and walked away with him and his bodyguards through the forest around them, back to the front gates of the Penal Prison, discussing his pay and freedom.
Kew looked over at Shaper, who was looking at him. A krall pulled him off the ground and slammed him against a tree, while tieing a wrope around his wrists. The Krall was not delicate when he did this, he made sure the rope was tight, cutting off circulation to Kew's four hands. The Krall then angrily jerked Kew back and started walking him back to the prison entrance.
"You stupid Nali, you know what we're gonna do to you? We're gonna rip your eyes out, and then while you're screaming, dismember you peice by peice, in front of the rest of the prisoners, to show them what happens to those who try to escape from here. You filthy peice of terran ****." The krall whispered into Kew's ear.
As Kew and Shaper walked towards the entrance of the Penal Colony, through the mud and the stones that lined the path, they looked at eachother through the moonlight and the torchlight provided by the Krall's Torches. Through eye movement and slight movements of their heads, they worked up a simple plan. During their time on the phoenix they had tought eachother a sort of communication via gestures of facial and eye movements, for times when they would have to use stealth to take over the enemy.
Kew, Shaper, and the two Krall guards reached the wooden entrance to the prison. They stood on stone, some was displaced. There were metal torches on the wall, demonic in shape, scorched black from the constant flame that always burned inside. The wooden entrance was thick, with metal linings. The Krall pulled out a key and started over toward the door. Kew took his chance at this moment. He stuck his foot out and pushed a stone against the Krall's ankle, causing it to lose balance, he quickly pushed his body against the Krall, and hoped Shaper would do something with his guard.
Kew quickly slipped his hand through the rope, a trick he learned as a kid, when his older brothers used to tie him up and play games with him, he reached for his knife and cut his rope against his knife which was on his belt, untieing his wrists, but was thrown to the ground by the angry Krall guard, who then went for his Krall staff. Kew kicked the Krall in the shin, and grabbed for his small knife, slicing deep into the Krall's lower leg. The Krall screamed and Kew got up quickly thrusting the knife into the Kralls side. He stabbed time and time again, but the Krall wasn't going down, the Krall grabbed Kew by his neck, and started squeezing. In a panic Kew slammed the Krall up against the wall, and slammed its head into the torch. He slammed continuously, finally smashing it's head in. The krall gurgled, spitting thick, red blood into Kews face as it tried to speak something to him, it's eyes were wide with terror and hatred. Kew stared right back at the Krall, and watched it die. The Krall quickly slumped to the ground.
Kew turned to see Shaper on the ground with the Krall, the Krall nearly cutting his head off with his Krall staff. Kew quickly grabbed the other Krall's staff.
"How the hell do you use this thing?" Kew said allowed, angrily, and pressed a small button. A jolt of plasma fired from the end of the staff, where the metal spikes were located, and hit the Krall fighting Shaper in the back of the head. The Krall fell to the ground, and Kew quickly thrust the staff into its skull. The Krall began to spasm, splattering blood against Shaper and Kew, and then its movements stopped altogether.
Something hit Kew in the back of the neck, he fell quickly on the ground to see a third Krall attacking him. He felt his own blood run down his neck, the hot blood, and the pain, Kew knew this would be the end. He began to pray to the Nali Gods when something splashed against his back. The staff the Krall was pushing against Kew's neck fell to the ground. Kew quickly grabbed his neck in pain, and rolled over, to see the Krall body fall to the ground, it's throat slit wide open. A horrid gurgling sound came from the gaping wound in its neck, red flesh splattered back and forth with the Krall's screaming that came from the deep wound. Shaper had slit it's throat with Kew's knife.
Kew got up and wiped the rest of the blood off his neck, he grabbed his pack and tore off a small peice of cloth, wrapping it around his neck to stop the bleeding. It hurt, but it wasn't a major wound. Shaper had stopped the Krall intime before it was any worse.
"Where'd that bastard come from? ****. He almost killed me!" Kew muttered to Shaper, who nodded in return.
"Let's get out of here before the others find out what happened. I'm sure we can get a good headstart. I still can't believe He'd do that to us." Shaper said to Kew. Kew nodded and sighs softly.
"Let's get going Shaper." Kew said and picked up the three packs the Krall had been carrying with them, the ones that Kew, Shaper, and Elias had taken with them from the Penal Colony. He also grabbed a few supplies off the Krall, such as another knife, and a package of flint stones in the Krall's belt pocket.
The two of them took off into the dense woods, crickets chirping, owls hooting, and frogs croking, were just a few of the many sounds that the two heard as they rushed, their feet sinking into the mud of the forest.
Meanwhile, an Elite Krall had watched the entire battle go down, he watched his three Krall companions get killed by the two Nali, and quickly ran off to report this to the commander. He reached the door to the commanders office, and entered without knocking.
"Sir, we have a situation. The two prisoners have escaped, killing two of our guards and one of our elite guards."
The commander looked at the Elite Guard. "Thank you, organize a party to go after these men, they are on our most wanted list, I want their heads on the end of stakes by the morning, if not, the next afternoon, or it's your head."
He turned back to Elias. "It seems your two... "Friends", if that's what you wish for me to call them, have proved themselves to be, quite the nuisance to me and my men. And quite capable of handling themselves. This will be a challenge to get them back."
Elias turned to the Krall. "I have nothing to do with the murder of your men or their escape. We made a deal, I would give you the location of their escape point, for my freedom and a good some of money. You agreed, now stick to your bargan." Elias said angrily.
The Krall smiled and tossed a bag at the Nali's feet. Elias bent down and picked up the old leather bag, and shook it, the rattling of coins satisfied Elias. "Now, I want out of here now, and I want to be safely walked to the front gate and released."
Two Krall walked up alongside of Elias, who smiled to them satisfyinly. That smile quickly faded as they grabbed him by the arms, and shoved him against the cold brick wall. They held him firmly against the wall, minimizing the struggling.
"What the hell is going on here!? Release me! We had a deal!" Elias screamed. The commander got up from his chair and walked over to Elias, with a wicked smile on his face. "What are you going to do to me?" Elias asked nervously, stuttering. The commander quickly slapped the Nali in the face.
"You actually thought we'd let you walk out of here scott free? We hate Nali, we want them dead, and you're no exception to the rest of them. You're **** to us, we wouldn't have let you free even if your friends hadn't escaped." The commander looked up at the guards. "Take him to the torture chamber, stretch him, until he tears in half, then hang his remains in the main hall of the prison, for all of his friends to see. Make sure you tear him slowly. I want to hear him screaming from here."
"No you can't do this to me! Nooo! Please, no!! God no!!!" Elias screamed. A guard hit him over the head to silence him, and he was taken deep into the lower chambers of the prison to the torture chamber.
 
Your writing is, on the whole, overwrought and wordy. You're trying to cram too much detail and imagery into each and every sentence, and it ends up feeling flabby and repetitious. I mean, look at this sentence:

"Kew quickly slipped his hand through the rope, a trick he learned as a kid, when his older brothers used to tie him up and play games with him, he reached for his knife and cut his rope against his knife which was on his belt, untieing his wrists, but was thrown to the ground by the angry Krall guard, who then went for his Krall staff."

That's ONE sentence. Flabby, disjointed, and folding back on itself. Less is more. Try not to use the same word (in this case 'Krall') so close together. (In another instance, you used "sunlight" and "light" in the same sentence.)
 

KJAX

Gamer 4 Life
Maj1013 said:
Your writing is, on the whole, overwrought and wordy. You're trying to cram too much detail and imagery into each and every sentence, and it ends up feeling flabby and repetitious. I mean, look at this sentence:

"Kew quickly slipped his hand through the rope, a trick he learned as a kid, when his older brothers used to tie him up and play games with him, he reached for his knife and cut his rope against his knife which was on his belt, untieing his wrists, but was thrown to the ground by the angry Krall guard, who then went for his Krall staff."

That's ONE sentence. Flabby, disjointed, and folding back on itself. Less is more. Try not to use the same word (in this case 'Krall') so close together. (In another instance, you used "sunlight" and "light" in the same sentence.)

In other words, edit what you have here. Content wise, things are good. Just turn compund sentences like the one Maj pointed into two or more sentences. Again, I'm speaking as an English minor who is quite familiar with the drafting process. So, work on a second draft of the story focusing on the editing.


Maj, if I remember right, you are an editor, correct?
 

K.Y.A.G

Alive in The Superunknown
Aug 16, 2002
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I myself, found myself very immersed in both. I actually felt the fear as Elias nearly came to death. Personally, i thought it was very good.
 

DRT-Maverick

Lover of Earwigs
Dec 4, 1999
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Good point maj, I'll explain why i did this. I'm also writing this for english, and he (the english teacher) wants vivid excessive description this month. :p So I'm not only writing it for you but for english.