A man walked into a bar for a drink, as he finished his drink, he noticed a man playing the piano that was only one foot tall. Curious, the man walked over to the piano player and asked him, "how come your so short?" "Well," the piano player started, "I was walking through the desert one day when I came upon this genie..."Say no more." the man said and he rushed out the door and into the desert.
After hours of walking, the man finally found the genie. "Genie," he said, "I wish for a million bucks" "Young man, your wish is my comand" the genie replied and then disapeared. Five minutes later a million DUCKS flew over. The man got pissed and stormed back to the bar.
When he got back, he immediately went over to the piano player to complain. "God that genie is stupid, I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." "I know replied the piano player. Do you think I asked to be a twelve inch pianist?"
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A carpenter on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers working on the first floor. He yells down to him and gets the laborer's attention, but the man can't hear the carpenter from so far. So, the carpenter uses signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I." Then at his knee, meaning, "need." Then moves his hands back and forth, meaning, "handsaw."
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed you to bring me a handsaw!"
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming."
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Did you know?????
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Not always a bad thing!)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
After reading all these, all I can say is.... Lucky Pig!!
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Subject: blonde joke
This was an actual news story from a San Diego newspaper!
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
