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What's the funniest joke you know?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Raffi_B, Oct 24, 2003.

  1. Justin286

    Justin286 Smooth Criminal

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    Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
    A: "Look, there're 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

    Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with Sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
    A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
    ---------------------
    Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
    A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

    Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
    A: No? Well, it must work.
    ---------------------
    Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
    A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

    Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
    A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

    Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
    A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

    Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
    A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?
    --------------------
    Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
    A: Because it was dead.

    Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
    A: It was glued to the first one.

    Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
    A: It thought it was a game.

    Q: And why did the tree fall down?
    A: It thought it was an elephant.
    ---------------------
    Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen Beetle?
    A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.

    Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
    A: Open the Beetle door, take the elephant out, close the Beetle door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

    Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen Beetle?
    A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

    Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
    A: Footprints in the butter.

    Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
    A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

    Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
    A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

    Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
    A: There's a Volkswagen Beetle parked outside it.

    Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a fridge?
    A: Put four in a Volkswagen Beetle, four in another Beetle, put the two Beetles in the fridge.

    Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
    A: Open door, get two Beetles out, put Tarzan in, close door.

    Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
    A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

    Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
    A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

    Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
    A: Depends on the number of elephants.

    Q: The Lion gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
    A: They were stuck in the Volkswagen Beetle.

    Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
    A: None, the elephants are in there!

    Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
     
  2. TheEndruu

    TheEndruu Member

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    What's blue and orange, and found at the top of swimming pools?

    Arm bands with a burst baby.
     
  3. Kaligraphic

    Kaligraphic Charles leChaud is my hero

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    What's brown and smelly and extremely cute?

    a pile of composting babies.
     
  4. Kaligraphic

    Kaligraphic Charles leChaud is my hero

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    "Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
    After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

    Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

    There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

    Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

    Who was the survivor?

    (Scroll down for the answer.)

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    The perfect woman survived.

    She's the only one who really existed in the first place.

    Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

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    ***** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke! *****

    ***** Men keep scrolling. *****

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    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

    By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: "women never listen either."
     
  5. Raffi_B

    Raffi_B Administrator

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    :lol: some of these are hilarious! Especially the driving one!
     
  6. JonAzz

    JonAzz UA Mapper

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    Whats worse than a dead baby nailed to the wall?

    :D
    :D

    A dead baby nailed to a dead puppy!
    :D
     
  7. Raffi_B

    Raffi_B Administrator

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    What's the best part about stapling a baby to a tree? Tearing it off.

    What's better than stapling 5 babies to a tree? Stapling 1 baby to 5 trees.

    :D
     
  8. JackReacher

    JackReacher [SAS Mod]

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  9. EmptySpace

    EmptySpace New Member

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    What's the worst part about killing a baby?
    Getting blood on your clown suit.

    ---

    What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies?
    You can't unload the truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
     
  10. Gundato

    Gundato Wangosaurus Rex

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    ----
    Jerry Rice is walking down the streets of San Francisco when all of a
    sudden he hears sirens coming from the next street down. He hurries
    down the road to see what's happening and sees a huge fire engulfing
    a 10 story building. And on the top floor, a lady is leaning out the
    window shouting to the firemen below.

    FIREMAN: Come on, lady, jump. We have the tarp here, we'll be able
    to catch you.
    LADY: No....I can't. My baby, my baby is up here.
    FIREMAN: Throw the baby down, we'll catch him.
    LADY: No, you'll miss. I can't leave my baby.

    Jerry sees this and steps forward. "Hey, I think I can help. Let me
    have the bullhorn."

    JERRY: Hey lady, I'm Jerry Rice, the wide receiver for the San Francisco
    49er's. I'm the best wide receiver in the game, throw your baby
    down and I'll catch him, this is what I do for a living.

    Being a 49er fan herself, the lady recognizes Jerry and throws her baby
    down to him. Just as she throws it though, a huge gust of wind comes
    and takes the baby and starts to blow him off course. Jerry sees this
    and takes off after the baby. He hurdles the line closing off the area,
    fights through the crowd, dodges a couple of fire fighters, jumps over
    the car, and dives forward, just making a fingertip catch of the baby.
    The crowd around him goes wild and starts cheering his amazing catch.
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    So Jerry jumps to his feet, raises his finger into the air, does a two
    step and then spikes the baby.
    ---
     
  11. EmptySpace

    EmptySpace New Member

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    What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

    You tie her to the sink.
     
  12. _Dark_Rusty_

    _Dark_Rusty_ to protect & severe

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    a women has thre children,
    first one walks in & says "why is my name leaf?"
    the mum says, "when you where born a leaf fell on your head"
    second one walks in and says "why am I called rose?"
    the mum says "when you where born a rose fell on your head"
    third one walks in & says {insert retarded noises here}
    the mum says "shutup fridge"
     
  13. DFB

    DFB Creeping Death

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    What do you do if a woman's watch breaks?

    Nothing, there is a clock on the cooker
     
  14. Raffi_B

    Raffi_B Administrator

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    Why should women not be allowed to drive? Theres no road between the kitchen and the laundry room.
     
  15. ^DaRk^AgentOrange|PuF

    ^DaRk^AgentOrange|PuF Banned

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    What's the best thing about having sex with 28 year-olds?

    There's 20 of them :D


    (more of a spoken joke)
     
  16. KJAX

    KJAX Gamer 4 Life

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    Dating is a two-way street; that is, if you haven't visited a street corner.
     
  17. [IsP]KaRnAgE

    [IsP]KaRnAgE You Can Be My Wingman

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    coulda typed it "twenty eight" :p :)
     
  18. OM {god}

    OM {god} holding his floppy

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    A man is on a camping holiday in a little village, during one of his many wanderings he comes accross a local pub named "the crying donkey"
    intruiged the man enters the pub, lo and behold in the corner of a pub was a donkey sobbing quietly, theres a sign above the donkey saying

    "whoever makes the donkey laugh will win £100"

    the man heads directly to the bar to talk to the landlord,
    he convinces the landlord to give him a shot at making the donkey laugh, so the man takes the donkey into another room, 5 mins later he walks out of the room followed by the donkey which was now in hysteric fits it was laughing that much
    when asked how he did it the man kept very quiet. he took the £100 and left for his home...

    a year later the man decides to return to the village as he quite a god time the last time he was there, whilst walking through the village he spots the pub again, "the Laughing donkey" naturally curios from his last visit he enters to see the donkey STILL in hysteric fits with a sign above his head sayin

    "who ever can make the donkey stop laughing will win £500"

    once again the man goes to talk to the landlord and convinces him to give the man a shot at making the donkey stop laughing

    the man takes the donkey into a room and 5 mins later exits with the donkey following compleatly in tears sobbing its little heart out

    on his way to pick up the reward money the landlord asks him how he did it, the man replied

    "well the last time i was here i told him that my penis was bigger than his.... this time i prooved it!"

    ------------------------------------------------

    and if that crap joke dont float your boat then how about

    Q: "how do you make a dead baby float?"

    A: "two scoops of ice cream one scoop of dead baby!"

    --------------------------------------

    or

    Q: "how do you make a dead baby float?"

    A: "take you foot of its head"

    :D
     
  19. Sam_The_Man

    Sam_The_Man I am the Hugh Grant of Thatcherism

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    A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman are trying to decide who is the best lover.

    (One of the best things about this joke is its easy accents :D)

    The Frenchman says "I make love to her on a bed of rose petals, and she rises two inches off the bed."

    The Italian says "I cook her the finest meal Italy can provide. Afterwards I take her upstairs, and she rises three inches off the bed."

    The Englishman says "I go with her for a curry, take her home, whip her clothes off, rag her, wipe my cock on the curtain and she hits the f**ing ceiling!"
     
  20. O.S.T

    O.S.T <img src=http://img349.imageshack.us/img349/9838/e

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    in a grocer's shop the cashier asks a young woman:"you are single,aren't you?"
    she answers:"yes,thats right...erm..you've seen it on the groceries I bought,haven't you?"
    the cashier:"no.its just,well,you're damn ugly"
     

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