Software Life Cycle

[STC_Wacky]

How Software Is Born


Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
19. See step 2

 

[Taskmaster]

Hey I wrote that software originally! Or I worked with the guy who wrote that... I can't recall exactly.

I am a programmer so I got a good laugh from this, although I think my code is really bug-free. /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[Taskmaster]

Computer Axioms For The Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like home.com!
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

I think you could change 26 to be give him UT and he won't bother you for weeks and if he does it will be to kick your butt in friend deathmatch!

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[Taskmaster]

Still more computer related funnies... Bit old, but still funny!


Subject: MS Girfriend 1.0


I'm currently running the latest version of Microsoft GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of MS DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.

But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my MS Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MS Mother-In-Law which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing MS Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[Taskmaster]

Generation X BizSpeak
----------------------
Here's a primer to help you understand the lingo of today's geek generation.

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Object Value
In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."

Chip Jewelry
A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found" meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Juice A Brick
To recharge the big, heavy NiCad batteries used in portable video cameras. "You better start juicing those bricks, we've got a long shoot tomorrow."

Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.

Shopper-Lifting
When a store's electronic scanner (usually inadvertantly) prices an item higher than the price on the store's shelf or in an advertisement.

Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Batmobiling
Putting up an emotional shield just as a relationship enters that intimate, vulnerable stage. Refers to the retractable armor covering the Batmobile.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Vomit Comet
A plane used to simulate zero-G for astronaut flight training. Trainees often get motion sickness inside.

Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Darn, I just blew my buffer!"

Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[Taskmaster]

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:
---------------------------------------------

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:
---------------------------------------------

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[STC_Wacky]

Wow! I hope you know how to copy and paste...otherwise you must have spent forever on all that typing /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

"People tell me to ignore the voices in my head, but the voices tell me not to listen!"

 

[Taskmaster]

The title of this topic is not one that people will want to read, so we have to pump up the replies to it so they will think they are missing out on something!

/~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[Taskmaster]

I mean this is some funny stuff and I don't want them to miss out!

/~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[Taskmaster]

Hmmmn... I guess no one wants to read this funny computer geek humor. Maybe I misjudge the caliber of people who frequent this forum. I could have swore they were all morons who really eat up this lame humor stuff.... guess I was wrong!!

I'm joking! I'm joking! /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[STC_Wacky]

/~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

"Yet another meaningless post /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif "

 

[Taskmaster]

Now I know no one else has read this topic, or I'd get more flames than a Burger King Whopper! Why won't the read this...

"If you post it, then will read it" you said. So where are they huh? Where I say?

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF!

 

[STC_Wacky]

They aren't posting replies 'cause they probably can't get up off the floor from laughing........great posts man /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif (I've got plenty of pointless stuff to send to everyone in my address book now) /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

"People tell me to ignore the voices in my head, but the voices tell me not to listen!"

 

[Taskmaster]

Thanks STC_Wacky, I take solace in your kind words.... *Sniff*

/me Wipes tear from eye...

/~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF! Opinions expressed by Taskmaster are not necessarily those of Planet Unreal!

 

[STC_Wacky]