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Read about the Dutch

Discussion in 'BuF Classics' started by _Zd_3s_, Apr 3, 2001.

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  1. _Zd_3s_

    _Zd_3s_ Regristered User

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    I posted this one before at the UTUnderground, but I wanted to inform you about the Dutch, too (esp. since there seem to be lots of Dutch ppls around here)

    Make sure you got a nice cup of coffee ready, 'cause this is a long one. Oh yeah! Don't read AND drink coffee at the same time (that is, if you dont want your computer covered with coffee, because it's gonna make you laugh out loud )

    1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds
    him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and
    other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a
    Nederlander.
    2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in
    Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a
    splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single
    word of what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak
    English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for
    pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police.

    3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that
    only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black.
    The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.
    Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.
    There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners
    who are tricked into believing it is edible.

    4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you.
    Which is ofcourse the main reason for selling them to you in the
    first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in
    them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at
    all)

    5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only
    frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with
    wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a
    finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from
    the natives.

    6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the
    back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you
    get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
    absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will
    drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be
    right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right.
    Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you
    may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a
    tulip.

    7. Windmills are unavoidable.

    8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills,
    wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the
    softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both
    are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any
    Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 20)


    9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is
    merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about
    everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or
    lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a
    policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever
    there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll
    end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team
    played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland
    has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.

    10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you
    feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No
    Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick
    a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no
    Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also
    note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners
    tricked into taking the job.

    11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off
    their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you
    give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an
    exception) LOL This might explain the success of MacDonald's in
    Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two
    Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

    12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside
    during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains
    about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden
    shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of
    it. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the
    nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.
    A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic
    past. Wich brings us -rather nicely- to item 13.

    13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will-
    simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately
    start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a
    peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your
    intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a
    supposedly imperialistic past considering Surinam and/or Indonesia,
    will instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying
    child, begging for forgiveness.

    14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They
    simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs,
    Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity
    for making a good profit go by.

    15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel
    free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't
    expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes
    earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have
    fun.

    16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious
    looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is
    used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the
    cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never
    cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.
    Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which literally
    means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by
    "yoghurt-scraper".
    Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or for
    your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of
    yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The Nederlanders wants
    to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt or 'vla' he
    bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of it.

    17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing
    quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive
    negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the
    government. They even have a name for this: The polder model.
    Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to
    a healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model,
    their economy's will also improve dramatically. This is utter
    nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling al
    this talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing something
    useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.

    18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise
    and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met".
    One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not
    everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some
    foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

    19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- French
    tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and
    Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast
    cars. These young people wish to point out to the French tourist
    where the more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found.
    Strangely enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see
    item 20). Funny people those French.

    20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
    yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino.
    Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can
    however get a good number of other stimulating drugs there. For some
    unknown reason coffee shops are extremely popular with French
    tourists.

    21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the
    north of the country in a province all for himself. He is fond of
    frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with
    alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that
    they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon
    this behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that
    parents have for an obstinate child.

    22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, I
    can recommend the following: The complete works of William
    Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia
    Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two
    books have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug
    dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any marks. After hitting
    you might want to drop the book you were carrying at that moment for
    a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.

    23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes
    than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you
    will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in
    miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.
    As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth
    a touristic visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive
    Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature.
    You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through
    open car windows. The resulting fights can often be worth watching.

    24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law
    to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to
    take these matters into their own hands.

    25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of
    all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a
    church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are
    supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways of life and
    religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there being
    so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that
    Hollanders disagree on just about anything. A Hollander is always
    right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks different than him can
    jolly well bugger off and start his own church.

    26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband
    is no king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well,
    not much anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and
    visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state
    banquets. Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she
    stops queening (nice word eh?). Now his wife won't be a queen but
    she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a
    king and a queen at the same time. On April the 30th its Queen's
    Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of
    princess Juliana the queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It
    is no wonder that more and more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a
    republic. Queen's Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal
    festivities. It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large
    quantities of alcohol. On Queen's Day Hollanders also
    sell garbage in the streets.

    27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No,
    the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of
    ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to
    mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive
    your car on during a rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.

    28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous
    only after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from
    the publics point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of
    paintings -a man has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice
    investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this
    view at all but are unable to do anything about it. In at least one
    case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear.

    29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday
    party, prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it
    can only be compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a
    sharp nail driven through the underside of the seat, and not being
    able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has been driven to
    the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse birthday
    party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders
    about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected
    to leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.

    30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the
    famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some
    operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more
    than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More
    than half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up
    anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse patients who have become
    desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where
    healthcare is infinitely better.

    31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This used
    to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family
    didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution
    against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car,
    parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate side effect that
    you can watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of
    the television, watching soaps.

    32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. ike ..erm.
    ..Well, it has!!

    33. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the
    years. Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the
    things Hollanders traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to
    be a country with anything more interesting to do than to drink
    oneself blind in new and interesting ways or make paintings. This
    made the beer industry very popular. Experts claim that once you
    have drank Hollandse beer like Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all
    other beers taste like the tapwater in a Rotterdam hotel.

    34. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable
    considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like
    the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that
    fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count
    on strong resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea
    of animals having sex in their drinking water.
     
  2. Fluid

    Fluid Zen fascists will control you

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    We should get a special "Dutchenized" TCD... :D

    Or a TCD pointing out a thread with nationality/culture differences whatsoever ;)
     
  3. B

    B Bee

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    lol @ 3s :D I like the taste of drop :D
     
  4. _Zd_3s_

    _Zd_3s_ Regristered User

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    Me too! :)
     
  5. Gir

    Gir Offensive mode!

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    Well, that pretty much sums it all up. You still may want to add something about our 'terrific' railroadsystem, the infamous NS.

    Ta ta..
     
  6. B

    B Bee

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    DON'T even go there! :)
     
  7. qwaz

    qwaz DeadHead

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    test

    test
     
  8. namu

    namu Bleh.

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    ICLE!

    i icled on you :D !

    35. If you plan on visiting Rotterdam, BRING WATER SUPPLY. The water there is in fact drinkable, but you won't drink it anyway. At least you'll TRY, which will bring you back to the number 30. :D
     
  9. _Zd_3s_

    _Zd_3s_ Regristered User

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    Test?
     
  10. Gir

    Gir Offensive mode!

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    Newbie..
     
  11. Prophetus

    Prophetus Old Fart

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    I love you Nederlanders, but this thread is hilarious. As you know, I live in Belgium (I'm an American working here) and damn, if that traffic discription isn't right on. I was rolling:).

    /me remembers to bring bread on the next road trip
     
  12. Loibisch

    Loibisch The Odd Member

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    Nice one =)
     
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