OK Joke Time

[UpYours]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
>construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and
>says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the
>Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese
>guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to
>leave for a little while. I expect
>you guys to
>make a dent in that there pile."
>
>So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
>pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
>any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
>Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa
>disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman
>turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to
>shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah
>couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge
>of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
>
>The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
>to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out
>from behind the pile of sand and yells...
>
>
>SUPPLIES!! /~unreal/ubb/html/biggrin.gif

Disclaimer: This is in no way intended as a put-down to any ethnic group. The world is full of ethnic humour.

 

[Ford Scrote]

I ought to be offended! but i'm not /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

so here's mine:

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank.

You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting do you?"

/~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
FS

Disclaimer: No offence meant to anyone. It's just a joke /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

Smile! it might not happen and you might get a shag instead.

 

[Taskmaster]

In an effort to obtain Godlike posting status before Rooster (heheh) I am posting a reply to every post...please excuse me as I am just passing through...

Nice topic, but I wouldn't want to live here! /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF! Opinions expressed by Taskmaster are not necessarily those of Planet Unreal!

 

[UpYours]

LOL FS!! I heard that slightly different..where the guy goes to Canada bow hunting for bear...same thing happens..uses rifles, basookas...hehe...same result. /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

 

[Mr. Scary]

Ok, here's one.....

Bob walks into the liquor store every week to buy a case of beer. He always asks the clerk for anything but Budweiser.
This goes on and on for about a month and the clerk finally asks him, "why don't you ever buy Budweiser."
Bob replies, "well, last time I drank a case of Budweiser, I drank it all in less than an hour and blew chunks."
The clerk sez, "if anyone drank a case of anything under an hour, anyone's gonna throw up."
Bob sez, "you don't understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."

Peace,
Mr. Scary

a.k.a. Roger the Shrubber

 

[Taskmaster]

ONLY FOUR PARACHUTES

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.," so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, said "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die" so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will
sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.

The boy scout said "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The smartest woman in the world took my backpack."

I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF! Opinions expressed by Taskmaster are not necessarily those of Planet Unreal!

 

[Ford Scrote]

These get less politically correct as you go on /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

1.

Actual ad in New York Post (so i'm told!)

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f u cking everything.

2.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.

"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

And finally, the most offensive (but also the funniest /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

3.

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right.How on earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're so f u cking ugly."


They all made me laugh anyway /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

FS

Smile! it might not happen and you might get a shag instead.

 

[UpYours]

Ok, last jokes for me:
> > Chinese proverbs:
> >
> >
> > > 1 Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
> >
> > > 2 Man who run in front of car get tired.
> >
> > > 3 Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> >
> > > 4 Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> >
> > > 5 Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
> >
> > > 6 Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
> >
> > > 7 Man with one chopstick go hungry
> >
> > > 8 Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
> >
> > > 9 Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> >
> > > 10 Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
> >
> > > 11 Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
> >
> > > 12 War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left
> >
> > > 13 Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> >
> > > 14 Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> >
> > > 15 It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
> >
> > > 16 Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
> >
> > > 17 Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> >
> > > 18 Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> >
> > > 19 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> >
> > > 20 Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> >
> > > 21 Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> >
> > Questions and Answers:
> >
> > > Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
> > > A: 1 US leader
> > >
> > > Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
> > > A. A cherry float.
> > >
> > > Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
> > > A. Beat it - we're closed.
> > >
> > > Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
> > > A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
> > >
> > > Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the
> > outside?
> > > A. K9P.
> > >
> > > Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
> > > A. Dill-dough.
> > >
> > > Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
> > > A. You can sleep with a light on.
> > >
> > > Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
> > > A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
> > >
> > > Q. What's the height of conceit?
> > > A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
> > >
> > > Q. What's the definition of macho?
> > > A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
> > >
> > > Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
> > > A. Their balls are just for decoration.
> > >
> > > Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
> > > A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
> >

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