New Neighbors

[QUALTHWAR]

These are my new neighbors. The guy on the left is called Crazy Joe Montgomery, but I call him Steve. This is his clan. He’s into joint care, hopping, whistling, and The Simpsons. The guy in the middle (The Bling Master) with the skirt (they seem to all wear skirts) is Reverend Koppoi. He says his God commanded him to drink goat urine from an urn, so he does. These ****ers are nuts!

The guy on the far right, who is holding up maracas, saw one episode of The Three Stooges and now thinks his name is Curley. He spends most of his waking hours smacking people on the head with his maracas, and he’s awake 21 hours a day because he chews on coca bushes all the time.

The women are insignificant, or so they tell me, but they sure are gassy. The crazy thing is they are all real blondes but decided to dye their hair black.

I owe that little kid in the middle (Farto) 12 bucks for mowing my lawn, but I’m not going to pay him. As far as I’m concerned, they own me rent money for taking up residence under my tiki awning.

 

[QUALTHWAR]

This is my other neighbor, Marvin Haldinger. I swear to god, I need to freakin’ move. This neighborhood is going to shtie. This guy put a hex on some lady’s dog and now the dog drags its ass across our lawn like 8 hours a day. You’d think the dog would grind its butt off by now, but it must have some sort of metal fur.

That book he’s holding: full of recipes for vegetarians. It just looks like some old I-Curse-You book, but it’s harmless. His wife, Tag, needs an enema or something. You can hear her grunting like a crazed bear when she’s trying to go to the bathroom in the mornings. It’s ****ing sickening. Either that or the old man is ramming her with that big staff he’s holding.

They drive a VW Beetle, and not one of the new ones; it’s like a 1963 or something. Get this: both of them hang their heads out the windows when they go down the road. WTF is up with that?! It’s not like they can’t see through the windshield or something. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. When I asked the old wizard man about it once, he just said “Motorcycle gone.” WTF is that supposed to mean?! Maybe they used to have a motorcycle and miss the wind blowing in their faces. You’d think they’d just bust out the windshield or something.

I need to find another place to live. These people are starting to get to me.

 

[QUALTHWAR]

This guy is my neighbor across the street; his name is Ted, but I call him Vern, so let’s call him Vern. He’s like some Native American, or whatever they call them. He’ll tell me that “The crow avoids the wind” so it will rain. I have the Weather Channel. I don’t need a ****ing crow to figure out the weather. Christ’s sake, get with the 21th century, will ya?

I can’t figure out why he doesn’t own a canoe. He owns a bow and arrows, a teepee, tomahawk, anything and everything you’d associate with an Indian, but no canoe. It’s not like we’re that far from the water. Anyway, he doesn’t golf, so I don’t trust him. I’m thinking about cutting off the head of a buffalo and slipping it into his bed at night, but then I got to wake up, get dressed; it’s a whole ordeal. So, I think I’ll just take a massive crap in his mailbox one summer’s night. That’s show him the power of the white-man.

 

[QUALTHWAR]

Last, but not least: this is my neighbor on the other side of my back fence. His name is Marco Lambert. This SOB bet me 100 bucks that he could eat an old keyboard that I threw into the trash. First of all, WTF is he doing roaming around in my trash, and secondly, I’m not willing to lose 100 bucks because it looks like he could eat anything if he wanted to.

That picture in the background: it’s a picture of him when he was a kid. Something went horribly wrong, according to him, and he gained a lot of weight. Yeah, something went wrong alright; 10,000 Manwhiches. Oh, let’s not forget the chips to wash them down with.

I asked this guy (very nicely) once if I could borrow his mower to cut my lawn. You know what he said? “Spank me first!” WTF is that supposed to mean?! First of all, you’d need some sort of mega machine to spank that ****er, and secondly, …. Well, I’m not getting within 10 foot of this guy; he looks like he could eat me.

Animals have been seen wandering into his yard and never seen again. Can anyone say: “Fur Burger?”

 

[16MentalTempest]

I used to live across the street from a meth lab, and right next door to a foster home. Every other hour or so a police cruiser would drive by that house, and sometimes stop there for a little chat. Both of them moved out eventually. And every 4th of July and New Year's it sounds something like this:

 

[Rukee]

These are my new neighbors. The guy on the left is called Crazy Joe Montgomery, but I call him Steve. This is his clan. He’s into joint care, hopping, whistling, and The Simpsons. The guy in the middle (The Bling Master) with the skirt (they seem to all wear skirts) is Reverend Koppoi. He says his God commanded him to drink goat urine from an urn, so he does. These ****ers are nuts!

The guy on the far right, who is holding up maracas, saw one episode of The Three Stooges and now thinks his name is Curley. He spends most of his waking hours smacking people on the head with his maracas, and he’s awake 21 hours a day because he chews on coca bushes all the time.

The women are insignificant, or so they tell me, but they sure are gassy. The crazy thing is they are all real blondes but decided to dye their hair black.

I owe that little kid in the middle (Farto) 12 bucks for mowing my lawn, but I’m not going to pay him. As far as I’m concerned, they own me rent money for taking up residence under my tiki awning.

Might wanna keep an eye on your dog.

 

[QUALTHWAR]

I used to live across the street from a meth lab, and right next door to a foster home. Every other hour or so a police cruiser would drive by that house, and sometimes stop there for a little chat. Both of them moved out eventually. And every 4th of July and New Year's it sounds something like this:

 

[Cat Fuzz]

And this begs the question: What the hell is up with Mentos?

 

[QUALTHWAR]

Right, because none of my neighbor have minty-fresh breath.