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Movies that suck...

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by OICW, May 26, 2004.

  1. Sam_The_Man

    Sam_The_Man I am the Hugh Grant of Thatcherism

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    Ooh, ooh, that one with Meg Ryan... In The Cut, that's the one. It basically consists of a load of pointless and terrible sex scenes, linked together by a murder 'thriller' with two main plot twists that you see coming 50 miles off. It's described as 'gritty realism', which is film-critic-speak for 'Nothing anyone does in this movie makes any sense' and 'You spend the entire film hoping that the main character gets murdered because she is the most irritating, unlikable cow in the history of film'.

    *edit*

    Ooh, and I forgot the real crowning **** of this film - throbbing penis. An early scene shows the good guy (but he's actually the bad guy, oh noes!) receiving a blowjob off someone he later murders for no real reason. In the unedited version of the film, you get to see it in all its glory, close-up. What this means is that frequently the girl's mouth slips off camera and you are treated to several seconds of nothing but THICK, VEINY PULSATING COCK. There is no excuse for being forced to stare at a guy's sweaty meat for any length of time longer than nothing, particularly when it serves no purpose whatsoever except the aforementioned 'shi', I mean 'gritty realism'.

    And to top it off, later on in the film Meg Ryan masturbates while thinking about the aforementioned blowjob she witnessed. Of course, she keeps her knickers on while doing this because... no, actually it makes so little sense that I can't even think of something sarcastic to say about this. Not that Meg Ryan openly diddling herself would have redeemed this movie, it would just have made it resemble less of a five-way gay hot carl on the collective chest of the audience.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2004
  2. Assymilator

    Assymilator No idea what to put here.

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    I'm talking about the Stallone version, not the Caine version.


    I rented Apocalypse Now because I was on a mission to see all the great movies that I missed out on. Aside from the brilliant opening with the napalm, this movie was both 1) hard to understand (the effects and background noise was louder than the talking), and 2) terribly too long.

    I've only seen Godfather and Apocalypse Now, but I'm getting the distinct impression that Coppola doesn't know how to edit. So many scenes that were there just to be there. One could call it "visionary work", I just call it sloppy editing.

    But the weird thing is, I sat through the whole 400 hours of this movie just so I could say I saw it. I wasn't expecting another Platoon, but I was expecting something better than the long, drawn-out scenes of nothing, going over the same ground, over and over again. I'm suprised my father sat through the whole thing. At the end we both said we weren't ever going to see this movie again.

    But if you liked it, hey, good for you. I couldn't stand it.
     
  3. _Zd_Phoenix_

    _Zd_Phoenix_ Queen of BuFdom

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    bah, amount of naked women in mainstream movies: millions. naked men? in hollywood? maybe once in a leap year. Anyhow, serves you right for watching a Meg Ryan movie :p

    And Underworld is good!!! It's a trashy movie more worried about style rather than taking itself seriously and yet still manages to remain uncampified (tm). Love it.

    BTW, love the Santa movie plot. How cool? Oh if only I could direct that...hey, i'd settle for the vampire one, tho dracular 2001 - arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
     
  4. I_B_Bangin

    I_B_Bangin habitual line stepper

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    Cat in the Hat was the absolute worst movie ever!
     
  5. O.S.T

    O.S.T <img src=http://img349.imageshack.us/img349/9838/e

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    come on,you would direct every movie just to show some naked men :rolleyes:
     
  6. _Zd_Phoenix_

    _Zd_Phoenix_ Queen of BuFdom

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    Awww I think i'd be a great director. There doesn't have to be naked men in my movies...anyway I can do a porn series on the side...

    :p
     
  7. Gundato

    Gundato Wangosaurus Rex

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    Santa Slay could be a really funny movie (in the sick morbid kind of way).

    Of the movies that are so bad they are good: Evil Dead (all), and UHF are my favorites.

    Of the upcoming movies that should be set on fire and result in the death of Akiva Goldsman: I, Robot
    Yes, I realize all book-to-movie include changes. But this is not "Love interest change" or "More action change". This would be like making a LOTR movie where Frodo is a transexual stripper who redecorates houses. This is like making a Harry Potter movie where Harry is a prostitute who goes to the supreme court in a case about how magic does not exist.

    /me wanders off ranting and/or plotting the assasination of Akiva Goldsman
     
  8. Vers Vlees

    Vers Vlees Oohhh a custom title

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    ugh indeed

    Wingcommander the movie Sucked too. Even the FMV movies from WCIII IV and V had better actors, SF etc and those were PC games.
    Man what was Chris roberts thinking.
     
  9. W0RF

    W0RF BuF Greeter, News Bagger

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    gundam - Batman & Robin is reason enough to kill Akiva. How in the world that tripemaster managed to pen A Beautiful Mind is beyond me. I think Matt Damon must have ghost-written it for him.

    So on the one hand you have Beautiful Mind, The Client, and Time to Kill, on the other hand you have Batman 3/4, Lost in Space (which I didn't mind all that much), and Practical Magic. One has to wonder how the DaVinci Code film is going to turn out.

    Oh, by the way, Super Mario Brothers and MK: Annihilation are near the top of my sucky movies list. Oh, and Street Fighter. It's critically abominable that Raul Julia could do kickass roles for over 30 years, and THAT is his final role?!? That's worse than Bela Lugosi ending his acting days with Plan 9.
     
  10. Vers Vlees

    Vers Vlees Oohhh a custom title

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    oh yeah Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter movies all sucked.
    Man all movies based on Computer games suck ass.
     
  11. NeoNite

    NeoNite Worst hack fraud ever

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    The matrix reloaded and revolutions.

    Two sucky movies. Two movies I don't feel like watching again.. ever.
    First movie, I wouldn't mind watching it say another 100 times, I'll never get bored.
     
  12. Stigmata

    Stigmata Codepunk

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    I thought Jeepers Creepers was fuńčking terrible. I never saw the second one, which I heard was a bit better. JC started off terrific. Creepy Dude, Creepy Evil Milktruck, scary church full of nasty things.
    then he turns into an un-cool, lame-ass demon.
    and the ending was horrible. Just horrible. I understand the tie-in with the film's namesake, but that wasn't clever. Worst part is the show down between the monster and cops - left me with blue balls.
     
  13. Selerox

    Selerox COR AD COR LOQVITVR

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    What the f...

    No. No. No.

    Don't make me get the piano wire. Fair enough about the Stallone version, but make it clear next time. If you even consider dissing the original, I'll garrot you.
     
  14. NeoNite

    NeoNite Worst hack fraud ever

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    Oh yeah I almost forgot adding "scary movie".
    FFS.. FFS.. so bad :-/ I mean, it was as if you had to go "ha-ha" every five seconds, but ... the jokes were NEVER funny.
    There's a scary movie 3 now...
    I don't even want to know what scary movie 2 is like .. pure "horror"...
     

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