R
-
Two Factor Authentication is now available on BeyondUnreal Forums. To configure it, visit your Profile and look for the "Two Step Verification" option on the left side. We can send codes via email (may be slower) or you can set up any TOTP Authenticator app on your phone (Authy, Google Authenticator, etc) to deliver codes. It is highly recommended that you configure this to keep your account safe.
T
Taskmaster
Guest
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following
"The Promise Keepers" get together in Washington!
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and
I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy.
I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.
One more and I'll have a golf course."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor.
" Be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked,
"Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor.
"You have a broken finger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just
>what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During
>an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of
>bees.
>
>He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and
>there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The
>landowner assured him that the bees were completely
>harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
>
>Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow
>himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest.
>So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if
>ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The
>buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
>
>An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the
>poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst,
>he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung.
>
>The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that
>calf have a mother?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old
>son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore
>where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what
>happened to him?" the little boy asked.
>
>"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
>
>The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him
>back down?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the
Navy diet,Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a
small ad that read:
Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and
we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and
wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying
himself, she said,"Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds,
right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other
end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the
somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit
card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the
morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only
in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the
man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was
through she told him,"Quick,run into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening the
called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How
much weight do you want to lose?"
"The Promise Keepers" get together in Washington!
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and
I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy.
I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives.
One more and I'll have a golf course."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor.
" Be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked,
"Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor.
"You have a broken finger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just
>what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During
>an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of
>bees.
>
>He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and
>there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The
>landowner assured him that the bees were completely
>harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
>
>Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow
>himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest.
>So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if
>ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The
>buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
>
>An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the
>poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst,
>he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung.
>
>The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that
>calf have a mother?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old
>son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore
>where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what
>happened to him?" the little boy asked.
>
>"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
>
>The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him
>back down?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the
Navy diet,Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a
small ad that read:
Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and
we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and
wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying
himself, she said,"Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds,
right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other
end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the
somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit
card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the
morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only
in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the
man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was
through she told him,"Quick,run into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening the
called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How
much weight do you want to lose?"
LOL !! I thought the final weight loss motivator would have been a 350lb tranvestite faggot...hehe
good jokes /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
good jokes /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
I just post them - in all honest - to bump my post count... as if that was not obvious... /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
Once I achieve the highest ranking, I can retire to some seaside villa
I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF! Opinions expressed by Taskmaster are not necessarily those of Planet Unreal!
Once I achieve the highest ranking, I can retire to some seaside villa
I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF! Opinions expressed by Taskmaster are not necessarily those of Planet Unreal!
S
STC_Wacky
Guest
Well since you post 'em to boost your post count....think I'll reply with "LOL" to all of 'em to boost mine too /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
Nah......I get bored easily /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica">quote:</font><HR> Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Nah......I get bored easily /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica">quote:</font><HR> Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>