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How do I improve this tragic end.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by BlackCheetah, Feb 3, 2009.

  1. BlackCheetah

    BlackCheetah New Member

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    I want to write a book with my girlfriend, and its a about two people who never met but know each other so much threw chat and webcam, and have fallen in love online, each chapter is one of each person narrator and their side of life is said. I starts with each characters problems being started, and then brought their are brought together and find each other online and begin to love each other's minds. Then one day the male friend does not come online and the female is worried, he doesnt come online after a year and she saves money to finally see him in the town named Luton he lived in.

    This is how i wanted it to end.



    After a year has gone by, I don't believe he even existed anymore, neither do I believe anymore that I loved.

    Finally, I stopped at Luton train station, I watching business men and other types of people all flooding the platforms ready to race into the train I am now jumping from. I am walking down a long bridge, down to where Town is. People of different cultures walking around me, men of all
    Backgrounds giving me "the eye" not one of them looking like him, not once glancing at the person I saw on my screen. At the end of the bridge I see a large mall, "The Arndale," a distance away down a very busy road full of stopping cars, cyclist and suitcase holding men and women walking back to work from their lunch.


    I walk down the road.


    I walk and look around no sight of a family face, a face that once said it lived here, but yet I can find no trace of its existence

    I stop at the Arndale’s doors, people waiting for buses turn side to side in impatience to have their joyful rides home. The first thing I see is a monitor on the ceiling, 3d animations advertising clothes, celebrities wearing make up of latest make-up companies, I am looking at all these faces and not one has caught my eyes, "Could he still be here" I mumble under my breath as a bunch of good looking men walk past me, complimenting my ass to each other (as if I don't know)


    "Emma!", I hear a child's voice scream. I am unfamiliar with it and do not know who to look at, I search all around the entrance until sudden a small child in braids grabs my hand, "Hey Emma," The child knows who I am but seems to have not want me to be there, She is about 10 years old, brown mixed girl, " Who are you?" I say to the girl holding my hand as if she known me for a long time. "Don't you know?" she replies, "No," I say as I let go of hand, "I am Gershom's sister, don't you remember him talking about me," her appearance and face starts to strike a resemblance to face I have been searching for, "Where's ya brotha, Lillian?" At that moment in time I remembered her name, as I looked back at the times the face of him I loved spoke of the annoyance of his sister, and the mischievous things she does. A woman with a broken voice replies to my question, Lillian walks away from me and stands back, I turn to face the women, who looked very much like Gershom. She embraced me and held me like a precious diamond, she had her head on my shoulder with tears down her eyes, she was amazed to see me, she was happy to see me, and she didn't want to see me...



    "I am sorry." Tears ran down my cheeks as I slowly went to hug her back, a sudden deathly sting had pierced my back, I had just died, I felt weak, my body no longer existed anymore, I just floated, I am no more, my love is no more... He is dead...
     
  2. Jackal

    Jackal Crapass

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    Run on sentence ftl :/

    Q:
    A: Add periods.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2009
  3. tool

    tool BuFs #1 mom

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    First learn the basics of spelling and grammar.
     
  4. BlackCheetah

    BlackCheetah New Member

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    OOPS
     
  5. funkblast

    funkblast I posted in the RO-me thread
    and all I got was
    a pink username!

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    Half-Life: Full-life Consequences

    John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

    John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.

    John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.

    The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".

    John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.

    "I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

    "Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

    "Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

    John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.

    John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.

    John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.

    Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.

    When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.

    Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.

    The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.

    John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.

    "I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

    to be continued..?
     
  6. funkblast

    funkblast I posted in the RO-me thread
    and all I got was
    a pink username!

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    Half-Life: Full-life Consequences 2: What Has Tobe Done

    John Freeman walked like speed of light back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him. John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office but John Freemans gas ran out. John Freeman jumped fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands.

    "Gordon Freeman is now these hands... i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!" John Freeman said out loud.

    John Freeman picked up a laser gun and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe.

    "These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him.

    John Freeman had to walked faster and was back at his office work and on a computer. He looked on the internet and found the next boss.

    "I know his weakness now" John Freeman said. And after that he got emails from someone. John Freeman opened up the emails and read them.

    "Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom." John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!" then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.

    John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle. He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too.

    John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts. John Freeman said to them "Zombie goasts i have killed your friends at the old house and i dont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman." The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you" and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was.

    "you will be one of us!" yelled the dead zombie goasts. John Freeman laughed and shot a rocket at them.

    John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. He walked really slow like a turtle and sat down on a rock and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.

    The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.

    John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down. A tear droped out of John Freemans eye and landed on Gordon Freeman.

    "You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." John Freeman told Gordon Freeman

    Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."

    to be continued...?
     
  7. N1ghtmare

    N1ghtmare Sweet Dreams

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    DOOM: Repercussions of Evil

    John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
    John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
    Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"
    There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.
    "This is Joson" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"
    So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
    "HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons
    "I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
    "No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
    The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
    And then John was a zombie.
     
  8. BlackCheetah

    BlackCheetah New Member

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  9. SlayerDragon

    SlayerDragon LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLADIES

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    do you know who you are in a toilet
     
  10. Jackal

    Jackal Crapass

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    If you slash the moon, does it not bleed greeen jello?

    If you stub your cock in the counter, does it not break?
     
  11. Jacks:Revenge

    Jacks:Revenge ╠╣E╚╚O

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    I'm not sure what to make of this thread.

    so here's a disturbing image to liven things up a bit.

    [​IMG]
     
  12. Sarevok

    Sarevok ...

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    Silly n00b, questions end in question marks! lolol
     
  13. Continuum

    Continuum Lobotomistician

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    <stuff....

    They meet

    She skins him alive and makes a pair of pants out of his face


    THE END
     
  14. DarkED

    DarkED The Great Oppression

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    Stop writing. That will end the tragedy for all of us.
     
  15. Plumb_Drumb

    Plumb_Drumb yumb

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    Last edited: Aug 28, 2011
  16. dotnetbeast

    dotnetbeast Mood Muzik

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    You dont even have to write a story. Just steal a Tupac poem.
    You will be recieving Jeff Smokers on the regular in no time.
     
  17. BlackCheetah

    BlackCheetah New Member

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    I love you guys :lol:
     
  18. SleepyHe4d

    SleepyHe4d fap fap fap

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    @ all of the above...

    I now regret making that guitar thread. You guys are no help at all. D:
     
  19. Kantham

    Kantham Fool.

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    Looks like things didn't work as planed..
     
  20. Gambit84

    Gambit84 New Member

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    Distant Asian ICQ girlfriend?
     

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