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Had a weird day, can anyone help?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Festering Anus, Nov 19, 2015.

  1. Festering Anus

    Festering Anus Cheeto Hans

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    I always knew I was born differently, at a young age when I was bored I often found myself shitposting on indian knitting culture message boards and coming up with neat inventions that never will see the light of day (on account of what I'm about to reveal.)

    I had just finished exploring my body last night while reading the musings of our good friend LEO THC. Often I get bored and look up wikipedia articles on various subjects to try and find out the answers to life's questions. I decided that last night I would look into an ancient reptile civilization, and I uncovered evidence leading me to the highest levels of government. Clinton, Bush, not Obama, Donald Rumsfeld. All reptilian creatures with visual evidence available to all. I was a sceptic at first, I always laughed at 9/11 Truthers and their claims that jet fuel can't melt steel dreams. This was different. I was about to eat the last cheeto on the bag. I bought a family size bag to myself, and everyone knows that after downing an entire bag of cheetos this big you are covered in dust and you don't feel the greatest. What happened next I thought to be an auditory hallucination of sorts caused by the excessive sodium pumping through my veins like motor oil. A knock on the door. I quickly pulled up my poop socks and wiped my cheese hans on my shirt. I then looked out the peephole. It was a man dressed in an off-black suit. Government looking with a brief case.

    My name is Ron Paul he says. I tell him to have a seat. I use my broom to clear my couch of any cheeto soiled clothing and offer him a drink. He asks for Orange Juice. I happily oblige but realize that I dont have any OJ, so I gave him a glass of mountain dew.

    At first I was hesitant to disappoint the man who obviously went out of his way to come see me. As I handed him the beverage in my "#1 Father" ironic coffee mug his eyes brightened and a smirk almost appeared on his face.

    "Son, we know you know about the reptiles. And what I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room on penality of death. The reptiles have infiltrated the highest level of neocons and are funded by bitcoins. We have been scouting for a person like you to defeat them, humanity's last hope."

    "Why me?" I asked.

    "It's quite simple son, the reptiles are allergic to Dank Memes"

    This was ofcourse a spooky time for me. But I did know a lot about memes. I was even wearing my fedora and athiesm banana butt plug at the time. He placed the briefcase on my coffee table and unclipped both of the locks like you see in the movies. As the case opened a vibrant red glow filled the room. I couldn't believe it, 2 bottles of Mountain Dew code red. I thought this to have only been a myth created to inspire hope in civilization. Could they be real? Ron then told me that they were both mine on condition that I kill all the reptiles with memes.

    I have been given 3 days to decide. If I don't respond I'm already dead.
     
    Hadmar and Al like this.
  2. Jacks:Revenge

    Jacks:Revenge ╠╣E╚╚O

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    dude let's agree not to talk about OJ.
    he totally killed those people.

    also

    [​IMG]
     
  3. Al

    Al Reaper

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    I, for one, do think it's great when I'm covered in cheeto dust.
     
  4. Festering Anus

    Festering Anus Cheeto Hans

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    Chapter 2 will blow your fucking mind, stay tuned fam.
     
  5. Festering Anus

    Festering Anus Cheeto Hans

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    Shortly after this meeting, I retreated to my room. I bid farewell to Ron Paul and sent him a strong salute as he slowly exited the room. It was awkward and long but I knew that deep down he appreciated it. I didn't know what to do with myself. I've been waiting and training for this moment my whole life. I often thought it would come due to all the training I did on the monkey bars, I realized that I could improve my grip beyond that of anyone else with my natural cheeto dust. The other boys on the playground were stronger and better than me but once they saw me make my way down leaving a trial of glowing cheese dust on the bars they stopped using them. A bunch of weak faggots tbh fam. You're probably wondering why I would use such an offensive word. I'm actually referring to them as a bundle of sticks. They were all sticklers and they grouped together to make fun of me and tell me I wouldn't make it. Now they're doctors and scientists but they got their wake up call when they were replaced by syrian refugees who were much better than them.

    I sat silently in my room awaiting instruction. Suddenly, another knock on my door. Once again I had consumed enough cheetos to provide for a small dollar a day African child for a year so I naturally I assumed I was hallucinating again. In-front of me stood a creature I have never seen before and I was terrified at the sight. I would have closed the door then and there but I remembered the vibrant glow of the mountain dew code red and how it warmed my soul. Who knew what would happen if I drank it, I assume my meme power would probably grow to levels no normal human would understand. Donald Trump, the international meme candidate had been rumored to have stumbled onto a relic Mountain Dew cache when he evicted a large group of people of color from one of his buildings. I've long had the suspicion that he may have stumbled on a code red.

    So I stood there, this creature infront of me. She? had blue hair, a gut that was almost impressive in size. She handed me a holy book from a religion that isn't a big fan of ham and told me to read the passage on page 356. She screamed "FUCK YOU SHITLORD" as she left. I naturally replied "Thank you fam".

    I opened the page and I was frightened beyond belief with what I saw.

    UNTIL NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z
     
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