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Ask me about being Jesus.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Cap'n Beeb, Apr 16, 2006.

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  1. Cap'n Beeb

    Cap'n Beeb Banned

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    Hello,

    This may come as a surprise to some of you (As some of you already knew that I am indeed Jesus.), but yes, I am Jesus. No, not that shifty-eyed guy with an odd odor and bad breath that sells you cheap velvet paintings outside of the pharmacy, but the walk on water Jesus. Yeah, that one! You know, wine into water, nailed to a chunk of wood for being to cool for jews, et cetera. Although the wine thing... that's a bit off. If anything, I'd turn water into rum, for it is a delicious beverage and flammable. You never know when you might need fire.

    Anyway, as today is Easter, I would like to take this opportunity to clear up some misconceptions, and field any questions you may have.

    Yes... about Easter. It used to be a great time of celebration, my pagan friends really knew how to party. Then there was the whole "Hello Jesus, we don't like you anymore, so up on this heavy wood you go!" fiasco. For all intents and purposes, I was dead. Thankfully, my malcontents had not done their homework, and I used my animal magnetisim to bring forth quite a cluster of various critters who freed me from my binds. This is how people thought my dad beamed me up. I'll clear up that little bit in a moment. Anyway, Easter was then shanghaied by my "followers", which I do not approve of whatsoever. Instead of being a grand party about fertility and rebirth and having a great time with friends, it now revolves around me being born again or some such rubbish. Sure, that could be seen as a gesture to some themes of the original idea and party games we partook in, but combine that with sitting in a stuffy and hot building, wearing itchy garments and listening to someone drone on and on without even hinting at the truth, it is rather displeasing. I'd like to apologize for the actions of my... overzealous "followers". I try not to get affiliated with them, like a friend you bring to a party who gets utterly smashed, strips himself of his garments, dons a lampshade and starts singing Foxy Lady. Yeah, it's kind of like that.

    As for dad... simply put, he just doesn't care anymore. Mankind really left a bad taste in his mouth, and now only serve as a means of entertainment. When he's not hanging out in bowling alleys on Earth impressing blonde chicks with large breasts with simple miracles, he's sleeping it off, doing said blonde chick, or laughing at the sheer amounts of stupidity mankind creates on a daily basis. The antics of that Jerry Falwell guy really get him going... oh man, is he going to be in for a surprise!

    There has been some debate over my ethnicity, so I'll make this short and sweet. I was born in what is now modern day Truth And Consequences, New Mexico, and can be found hanging out in that area on a regular basis. I enjoy the desert southwest, it's so pretty... plus there is an abundant amount of peyote, but I won't go into details about that. ;)

    With that said; if you have any questions, ask away! Simple, complex, whatever, I am here to serve you. :)

    Edit:

    I forgot to mention something about Dad. He really, really hates hymns. Stop singing them, for your own good.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2006
  2. DeeperShade

    DeeperShade Banned

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    Why are you followers complete raving *******s?
     
  3. Cap'n Beeb

    Cap'n Beeb Banned

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    Ah, that's one of the more depressing aspects of my life. I honestly have no idea, I have tried to visit them and tell them to chill out, have some peyote and be cool, but they just won't listen. Apparently I once said drugs are bad...? No clue. Anyway, I blame it on how many times Action Comics 1... that's the real Action Comics issue #1, the one that details my miracles and adventures, has been rewritten and misinterpreted.

    Edit:

    I don't think it's entirely fair to lump each of my followers into the Pile of Insipid Flesh and Abundant Stupidity, there are some good eggs in the bunch. :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2006
  4. Fuct

    Fuct Who is Adam King?

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    CAN YOU SAVE ME!?!?!?!?!?!?
     
  5. Cap'n Beeb

    Cap'n Beeb Banned

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    Of course I can. I can save everyone who wants to be saved. :)

    (Not that it matters, the whole "saved" thing is essentially a recruitment/propaganda device created by the Vatican during WW2.)
     
  6. ilkman

    ilkman The Outcast God

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    Happy Easter to you too. :)
     
  7. ZenPirate

    ZenPirate Living Legend (and moderator)

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    Was the huge boulder the apostles jammed in your cave opening a late April Fool's day joke?
     
  8. Kantham

    Kantham Fool.

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    No, but he sure can Open/Scan/Re-write you.
     
  9. Cap'n Beeb

    Cap'n Beeb Banned

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    Ahh, that was doing my more sexually adventerous days when I was experimenting with sensory deprivation. It really didn't work that well, I ended up being really bored :hmm:

    That's just kinky.
     
  10. Maxx

    Maxx Bite Me

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    Is Judas also here on the board?
     
  11. Cap'n Beeb

    Cap'n Beeb Banned

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    Not that I know of, but I hear he's partial to Fark.

    Ugh. Fark.
     
  12. Kaithofis

    Kaithofis The Seldom Seen Kid

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    Ooh, can you do that special trick again?
    The one where you go like "And a na-na-na-naaa aana-na-na-NA HEY!"
    That one was extremely CULE to the maaaax!!
     
  13. sid

    sid I posted in the RO-me thread
    and all I got was
    a pink username!

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    Dear Jesus
    Enlighten our my minds by pointing towards the real Anti-christ!!!!!
     
  14. O.S.T

    O.S.T <img src=http://img349.imageshack.us/img349/9838/e

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    is there a hell? :(
     
  15. Slaughter

    Slaughter exsomnis

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    Why does the pope look like he´s corrupted by the darkside?
     
  16. DeeperShade

    DeeperShade Banned

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    Jesus, as you're a zombie, would you prefer to be put down by shotgun or chainsaw?
     
  17. AizenSA

    AizenSA The Divine Tyrant

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    if you blow air through the holes in your hand would it whistle?
     
  18. Cap'n Beeb

    Cap'n Beeb Banned

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    Uh... sure! Simsalbimbamba saladu saladim, SHAZAM! *poof*

    Fred Phelps.

    Nope. When you die, you get to choose whatever version of heaven you desire. I recommend Valhalla, it's pretty cool.

    If you had to dress like that every day, wouldn't you be grumpy?

    Technically, I'm not a zombie, as I never died. But should you face a zombie, I suggest a rifle chambered for .22LR, with a suppressor. It's quiet, has a good range, and .22 is plenty to penetrate decaying flesh and soft skull.

    I honestly do not know, when I came down from the cross, they just healed right up. Sucks, I was going to run around like an airplane and say stuff like "Oh god, I've got holes in my flaps, prepare for emergency landing!" :(
     
  19. Selerox

    Selerox COR AD COR LOQVITVR

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    Had to be asked of JC...

    Jesus

    Can we nail you up again?

    Many Thanks.
     
  20. sid

    sid I posted in the RO-me thread
    and all I got was
    a pink username!

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    Oh Almighty, why dont you rid us of this filth why? WHY!!!!
     
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