A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

[Pat]

By Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

 

[phatcat]

wow, a intresting post by pat
I'm honestly impressed

 

[tool]

I remember reading that in my Junior English book, pretty funny. Mark Twain was a genius and an excellent writer.

 

[Lynxx]

very old (I had to say that just once)

 

[Zarkazm]

very old (I had to say that just once)

Some things become even better with age. For me as German that was especially amusing with our awesome spelling reform in mind.

 

[Hadmar]

Zarkazm, do you know this? If not enjoy.
-------------
RECHTSCHREIBREFORM -
in fünf Schritten

Erster Schritt
Wegfall der Großschreibung:

einer sofortigen einführung steht nichts im weg, zumal schon grafiker und werbeleute zur kleinschreibung übergegangen sind.

zweiter schritt
wegfall der dehnungen und schärfungen

dise masname eliminirt schon di gröste felerursache in der grundschule, den sin oder unsin unserer konsonantenverdopelung hat onehin nimand kapirt

driter schrit
v und ph werden durch f - z,tz und sch durch s ersetzt

das alfabet wird um swei buchstaben redusirt, sreibmasinen und sesmasinen fereinfachen sich,wertfole arbeitskräfte könen der wirtsaft sugefürt werden.

firter srit
q,c und ch werden durch k - j und y durch i - pf durch f ersest

iest sind son seks bukstaben ausgesaltet, di sulseit kan sofort fon neun auf swei iare ferkürst werden. anstat aksig prosent rektsreibeunterikt könen nüslikere fäker wi fisik, kemi oder reknen ferstarkt gelert werden.

fünfter srit
di seiken ä, ö un ü werden durk a, o und u ersest

ales uberflusige ist iest ausgemerst. di ortografi ist wider slikt und einfak.
naturlik benotigt es einige seit, bis dise fereinfakung uberal riktig ferdaut ist, fileikt sasungsweise ein bis swei iare. anslisend durfte als nakstes sil di fereinfakung der nok swirigeren und unsinigeren gramatik anfisirt werden.

 

[das_ben]

/me hugs his dictionary.

 

[Zarkazm]

Zarkazm, do you know this? If not enjoy.

Yeah, but it's always nice to see it again.

And of course I refuse to aknowledge the new spelling. I only pity the pupils who first started learning the proper spelling, then had learn the new spelling.. only to be forced to relearn again when the new spelling was "patched". It does make school more interesting though. You never know if what you learned last year is still correct.

 

[Sam_The_Man]

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Oh God, another Dutchies thread.

 

[LedZep]

Hehe, ai lav Mark Twein!

Militeri intelijense is a kontradikyon in terms!

 

[Dr. Nick]

I remember seeing an article in Ask The G-Man use something very similar to this...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
van vat vil u vo about vat
Hitler

Sounds good, I'm just thankful they didn't choose German as the official language - can you imagine that?!

 

[D66]

The ideal language is one where the vocabulary shrinks every year.
unorthodoxy thouhgt cannont exist without the words to express it.

Ahh Orwell

 

[das_ben]

The bit were the 'friend' of the main character goes on and on about how efficient they're at destroying words is the best part of the whole book.