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Old 18th Nov 2000, 11:01 PM   #1
Christopher Webb
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Notice of Revocation of Independence

got this off email

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

* Thank you for your cooperation.

<insert cute/ interesting/ bizarre signature here>
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Old 18th Nov 2000, 11:22 PM   #2
ThunderChunky
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-mini-rant-

Pisses me off how everybody wants to play "football" around here, but no one will play rugby. Apparently, rugby lacks "action" and "strategy". Oh well.

-/mini-rant-

Whatever...

-------------------------------------------
Stupid People Offend Me.

"The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind" -H.L. Mencken

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 12:51 AM   #3
Zundfolge
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.[/quote]

I've been trying to get my fellow Americans to understand this for years.

Having owned a multitude of VWs, and several Porsches and BMWs I've learned this. Plus as a mechanic in a shop that specialized in German cars, I can tell you all that the absolute best built car in the world, by a long freakin shot is Mercedes.

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 01:33 AM   #4
Lord_Bunker
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damn them damn the all to hell.
and run them all down with my ford then beat them senseless with my american football. let's see whos football's sissy now you british prick. damn you all!!!
muwhahahahahhahahahahaha Damn you all.


it's only temporary till i get my own ghillie finished.
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Old 19th Nov 2000, 02:20 AM   #5
Keiichi
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I like Japanese cars. They're small, sporty, and fuel efficient. It's been my dream to someday own a Mitsubishi GTO Twin Turbo (or, failing that, a Mitsubishi Eclipse).



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Old 19th Nov 2000, 03:20 AM   #6
Galaddin
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Don't know why but i just prefer the way Jap cars handle

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 08:50 AM   #7
Goat Fucker
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Bah, just give me a Trabant


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Old 19th Nov 2000, 08:58 AM   #8
I_ABuGa
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heh yeah, Jap cars handle really nicely to me. They are also relatively fuel efficient.

Lord Bunker, please be careful on how you refer to rugby as a sissy sport. AFAIK, in rugby you dont deck yourself up in full body armor reminiscent of medieval knights. It seems to me that a round of "American" football lasts a couple of seconds in which either side tries to smackt the living daylight out of each other - while in body armor. Rugby you dont have body armor and you bloody hell as well run faster and feel the full force of every blow to your body. Now, whut is your definition of "sissy"?
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Old 19th Nov 2000, 10:48 AM   #9
Snakeye
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Japanese cars are the goddamn best cars in the world!
The Germans are not bad - technically they are very good - but too expensive.
I myself have a Subaru Impreza(2.0 liter, no turbo..) and it handles sweet. For sports cars, there are few better than Japanese(some old Porsche Turbo maybe, but the rest is too heavy..)

Take a look at rallye racing: Mitsubishi, Subaru and Toyota dominated it for years - now Peugot ain't that bad too.

Just wished there were Imp type Rs in Europe..

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 10:53 AM   #10
LabRat
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Dont you dare diss football. i've played it all through junior-high and high school. i can tell you this, football is not a sissy sport. being in "body armor" makes it really tough. lets see you run with 30 pounds of plastic strapped to your head and shoulders. Dont diss it till you've played it (no flag football doesent count). and judging by your comment, you've never played it.

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 12:35 PM   #11
Lord_Bunker
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i wasn't refering to rugby being sissy. it's the reference to american football being sissy. I've played halfway through highschool and quite when the coach decided to emphasize speed. i always hated running. many people don't understand what's so hard about football. trying to move a ball ten yards dosn't sound like much. you realllly have to play it to understand.


it's only temporary till i get my own ghillie finished.
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Old 19th Nov 2000, 01:43 PM   #12
Curtz
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Then if running in 10 pounds of armour is hard, why not make everyone take it off? Would it, hurt to much? rugby players get pulled of only when theres blood, if they have a broken jaw (and quite often they do end up with broken noses, jaws and whatnots), and say they are all right, the game continues.

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 02:06 PM   #13
Mojo.the.Red
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Sorry, but American football really is a ***** sport. So is Canadian football, and that's about half-rugby, half-American-football.

Pads are for wimps. So are forward passes. You want strategy and hardcore playing, try this: three man scrum, two props, one hooker, for each team. Laterals and tips only, otherwise its an offside. Sacking legal.

And nothing to break your fall except for the ground. No damn pads. Rugby shirts and shorts and cleats, and you're off.

btw, Mr. Webb, that letter was hilarious. I was laughing my ass off. Don't take LabRat's comments to harsh, he's the perfect example of the uneducated American.

As for rugby having no action or strategy, they've obviously never actually PLAYED rugby, because it is the hardest, roughest game. Especially considering its not huge, overweight blobs of fat but thin, runners-build guys playing it.

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 02:08 PM   #14
owlofdoom
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hmmmmm. i like to watch rugby, but only when im realy really tired and its mayb 2 in the morn. hmmmmm. maybe thats bedcause thats the only time its on.

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 06:18 PM   #15
jaunty
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rugby league or rugby union ????

league is crap. union is ten times better than league.

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Old 19th Nov 2000, 06:48 PM   #16
Buddy_Pickle
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I love my new Honda...(see exact pic below.)




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Old 20th Nov 2000, 12:28 AM   #17
Galaddin
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Nice.
I'm a football (soccer) fan myself.

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Old 20th Nov 2000, 01:06 AM   #18
Christopher Webb
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well, it was only for laughs

I think I've got a reply to it somewhere in my hotmail account, so for the sake of fairness I might also post that.

anyway, for the record, I prefer the finesse of football myself (that's REAL football. you know, the one some wierdo's refer to as "Soccer")

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Old 22nd Nov 2000, 11:16 AM   #19
I_ABuGa
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yeaps, I definitely prefer football sometimes-called-soccer-by-those-other-people-who-need-games-to-call-their-own-sport. I do watch American Football occassionally. But nothing beats football. Especially the Italian League, there's where all the skills and finese is contrary to whut many English think.
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Old 22nd Nov 2000, 11:59 AM   #20
the real pacman
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Fooseball sucks, you stop and go stop and go stop and go stop and go. Rugby you have no padding other than a mouthpiece to avoide loosing your teeth and cleats. You don't have downs you just go until someone breaks one of the very few rules or someone scores a try. Now THAT is a sport.


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