Funny Court Cases

[Prophetus]

You all may have read or seen these, but I thought I'd share these with all of you.


Court Cases

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not
to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

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From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole
your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who
stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the
prosecution.

Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at birth too.

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Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:

Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the
injuries you sustained while at work?

Plaintiff: Dr. J.

Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr.
J?

Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you
said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and
as the men swung around and changed partners, they would
slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody
pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under
a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas
and the navel.

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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested
in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on
the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in
front of your name - not a damn thing.

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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have
you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

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Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would
you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional
five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law
against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

[Boogey]

Great stuff...

even though its a cheap intro, it always works for me: "THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS.... yaddy yaddi".

another funny story I'd like to believe is true:

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On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they
award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down -

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for
a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "ATTA boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's

work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of Mate
Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
Orlando,
Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.Tickets to the
Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer
please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

(3 minutes later.)

DJ: "I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is a live radio show
and these things do happen from time to time. Anyway,Brian and Sara are
off to lovely Orlando, Florida."

[DividedSky]

LOL!!! Boogey, that's priceless