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Old 4th May 2005, 05:26 PM   #1
Mister_Prophet
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Weekly Movie Reviews by The Prophet 5/4

Some of you might have been wondering where the hell I've been.

Some of you are like me and leave all your semester work to do in the last few weeks of class



The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy : After months of watching that same goddamn trailer play before every lame movie after another...After listening to all those English dudes tell me how much HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy is better than Star Wars...And after having to explain to every dumb fu<k patron at my theater that I had no idea what the hell it was supposed to be about when they came waddling out of the theater to buy more cheese for their large nacho....It finally came out.

And DESPITE the fact that I had no desire what-so-fu<king-ever to see it, I found myself watching it anyway.

And yeah, it's pretty funny. If you have no taste for the rapist wit of dry euro-humor and prefer the crude vulgarity of American comedy, then read no furthure. The movie you are looking for is the Amityville Horror.

Right. Now that those guys are gone, I can honestly tell you that this is the one of the only movies worth watching for 10 bucks right now...UNLESS you still haven't seen Sin City for whatever stupid reason. The movie opens with a bunch of Dolphins, who the narrator says are actually the second smartest organism on planet Earth (Humans being third), trying to warn us about the end of the world which we, as the fat stupid animals we are, see as putting on a show. So after trying to the point of exhaustion, they pack it up. But not before they sing a cute song thanking us for all the fish.

Picture it in your head, the movie follows the same kind of wierdo humor most of the way. The main guy, Arthur Dent, finds himself aware one day that his house is about to be bulldozed. He didn't know about it because the notice was placed in some cellar in some office somewhere, making sure he would never ever know about it until the day of demolition. As he lays infront of a dozer, preventing the workers from doing their job, he is visited by a strange friend played by Mos Def. His buddy takes him to a pub and tries to explain to him that the world is about to end. How is it going to end you say? Meteor? No. Core of the planet stop spinning on its axis making pacemakers worldwide stop ticking? No. Super floods and freezing wind blanketing the coastlines as mean CGI dogs are unleashed upon a group of surviving teenagers and Dennis Quaid?

No...

It seems Aliens have made Earth a Demolition zone. They would have known about it, but they didn't catch the memo.

If anything of what I said made you laugh or even smile a little, go watch it.

Proph's Rating: ***

XXX: State of the Union : What do you do when a lame James Bond parody starring Vin Diesel actually makes buisness. Do it again!

The idea behind the original XXX was to take a carbon copy of Vin Diesel's character from The Fast and the Furious and throw him into a James Bond situation. Add an injection of Bond cliches and a dap of rock music and WAKA WAKA, you have Anal Cancer. Ok so the first XXX wasn't as crappy as most of the post-Fast/Furious spin-off styled movies were, but it should never have had a sequel. What irks me the most about this movie is that it was directed by the guy who made Die Another Day. You remember that one? The one that made Bond look like a Music Video and starred that pretentious t.w.a.t. Halle Berry as the Bond Girl who wanted her own spin-off of the character?

XXX 2 stars Ice Cube (Not to be confused with Ice Tea, Coolio, or any other black rapper who is sooo cool they need to mention it in their name, so you know they are cool) in the James Bond...oops.... sorry, the Vin Diesel role. Or at least replacing Vin because his character died. Or as it is known in the movie industry, when an actor wants more money for another sequel but the studio doesn't go for it, they replace that actor. Remember when we all watched Batman 3 and suddenly Michael Keaton had turned into Val Kilmer?

Ok so the plot of the story is that Samuel L. Jackson (In his 400th film this year) is the head of some spy agency that is so high tech that they live underneath a stable. They get attacked by a bunch of black armored stormtroopers that wear night vision in daylight (ok so it is really Infra-red, but the idea of a commando dressed in full out black armor while wearing glowy eye googles in total daylight is...I'm sorry to say, pretty retarded). Jackson of course escapes with a dorky white guy who plays the part of Bond's Q. They need a new XXX. So they go to a prison to enlist Ice Cube, a convict who shares a past with Gibbons, Samuel L's character. But when we meet Ice Cube, he is being escorted down a hallway in a jail with high caliber nigga music blasting and his mug looks all hard and cold. I swear...for a moment I thought I was watching MTV.

Despite the fact Willem Dafoe shows up just in time to stop us from swallowing our own tongues, the movie is just one James Bond cliche' after another mixed with "urban" elements. And it isn't entertaining. See, I used the word urban in my review to refer to blackness. Someone call Entertainment Weekly and tell them they need to hire me for my hysterical comic edge.

Proph's rating: *


Sahara : After reading a ton of positive reviews about a movie that had looked to be a deadlocked winner for ****tiest movie ever, I actually saw it and realized that prize was reserved for XXX 2.

This is the kinda movie where the action is all predictable and all the characters perform insane tasks but you don't care because you know what to expect. After seeing quite a few really bad treasure-hunt movies over the last 10 years, this one is alot better than most of them. Oh geez, let's be honest. If this movie wasn't such a decent alternative to alot of the other junk out there right now, I'd probably be trashing it.

Sahara is the kind of movie that gets good reviews in all your local magazines when better movies get worse mentions, and you don't realize it until after you walk out of the theater. If anything, I'd say skip this one for now and put it on hold for a possible rental or Saturday Night Premiere on Starz. It will save you the anguish of that 10 dollar hole in your pocket you could have used to see Sin City or HitchHiker's Guide.

Proph's Rating: **


The Amityville Horror : Or as us Long Islanders call it, "The next incarnation of a shiitty ghost story that exploits a location in our community where a bunch of retard teenagers congregate to catch glimpses of "teh Horror lol".

I made a list of the positives in this movie:

1. You get to see little bratty girls shot in the face.

2. Hot babysitter wearing a napkin and flicking her tongue suggestively to young boys.

3. Hot mom.

4. A Priest gets attacked by flies and craps himself to the delight of molested alterboys everywhere.

The cons are about everything else. This movie is in nooooo way scary. In fact there are more scenes of comedy than spookyness. Alot of this is attributed to the fact that Ryan Reynolds, still wearing his three month hollywood 6 pack, is just not designed to play the part he is selected for. Horribly miscast, and sucks too because I actually think the guy can be funny.

But as for "the horror", this movie does not deliver. And a horror movie that isn't scary is like a comedy that isn't funny: a failure. But then again, was this film series ever really scary?

Proph's rating: *1/2


House of D : Remember before when I talked about movies getting crap reviews while stale plot-lines like Sahara get all the decent ratings? House of D is one such movie. It's actually better than movies like Sahara despite the critics saying it isn't.

And chances are you have no clue what the hell I'm talking about. I had to watch House of D at my theater to know what the hell it was about. David Duchovney(sp) narrates and directs this story of a young teenager who befriends a mentally handicapped man named Papis (played by Robin Williams in a performance that doesn't mock mentally handicapped people like often happens with A class actors playing these roles).

I wouldn't say the movie was great or nothing, but it was a nice watch. I liked it. And it has scenes that have issues we all saw in some recent Academy Award winning films. If this movie came out at the begining of last year I think the critics would have given it a fu<king break. It reminded me of when Fight Club started getting crap reviews following Columbine.

Proph's Rating: ***

Alot like Love : I guess the previous title, "Alot like Shiit" didn't do it for the censors. I think it may have been a better choice.

Proph's Rating: *


And on that note, I have not had a chance to watch The Interpreter, but I have heard from reliable sources that it is pretty good.

Last edited by Mister_Prophet; 4th May 2005 at 06:08 PM.
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Old 4th May 2005, 06:34 PM   #2
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I should prolly change the thread title to Monthly Movie Reviews, eh?
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Old 4th May 2005, 06:49 PM   #3
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Probably.


I rather enjoyed the ammityville horror, actually. It was no classic, but it was the best slice of horror i've seen for a good while. It probably helps that i can't really recall the main character from anything, and haven't seen any previous ammityville's.
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Old 4th May 2005, 06:55 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Evil_Cope

haven't seen any previous ammityville's.
I have, that's probably why I didn't like it. If you watched the older ones before watching the new one you prolly would have felt ripped-off. Imagine watching Alien 3 and seeing Ripley fight the Alien at the end with a big yellow loader and knock it into the airlock.
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Old 5th May 2005, 05:55 PM   #5
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Anyone else seen Hitchhiker's? Curious to other opinions. Nobody I work with thinks it was good.
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Old 5th May 2005, 11:42 PM   #6
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It was ok. Parts were good, parts sucked. The dolphins in the beginning? Cheesy.
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Old 6th May 2005, 02:01 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenMouse
It was ok. Parts were good, parts sucked. The dolphins in the beginning? Cheesy.
Well the whole movie was kinda cheesy, but in a like-able way.
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Old 6th May 2005, 04:16 PM   #8
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yeah amityville reminded me of baywatch since the camera caught as much as reynolds' buff torso as often as possible. film needed more female titty! :0
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Old 6th May 2005, 05:26 PM   #9
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I saw Hitch hikers guide the other day. I liked it a lot, but at the same time, it didn't quite sit right. I didn't feel like I had gone anywhere from beginning to end, the same feeling you get watching AvP, but not nearly so severe. Don't really know how to pin that down. I liked the sense of humor and it seemed like I enjoyed most of it, but there was just something not quite right. The guy who build planets, whatever his name was, was classic. And there was a lot of stuff going on there, which made the film interesting on a deeper level. The thoughts of the petunias was the best part of the movie from that perspective.

Aye, monthly would be smart.
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Old 6th May 2005, 05:26 PM   #10
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I went to see it last Saturday night and nearly the entire theater was abandoned sans I and some friends. There was an overwieght woman in front of us whole looked like she did not have any urge what so ever to be there and an exstatic 10-year-old. That's the kind of audience the movie reached out to. People who've read the book and live by it. I thought of the entire movie as a sort of inside joke to those of us who've read the book.
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Old 6th May 2005, 06:39 PM   #11
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I hadn't read the book, but several of the people in my group (ha i see movies with groups of people!) had and they were really happy about how the audience reacted to the improbability drive. They seemed to REALLY like it, the movie that is.
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Old 8th May 2005, 01:59 AM   #12
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I just saw Crash yesterday. Never before have I wanted to leave the theater in the middle of a movie.

It was that bad.
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Old 9th May 2005, 12:37 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebel
I just saw Crash yesterday. Never before have I wanted to leave the theater in the middle of a movie.

It was that bad.
Actually...

I've heard a load of responses about that movie, and none of them were negative. The two movie review guys I read from both gave it either 4 stars or 3 and a half, so I'll have to see for myself.
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Old 9th May 2005, 12:47 AM   #14
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Trust Nebel before all, it sucks.

It's like a giant anti-racism PSA.
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Old 9th May 2005, 05:59 AM   #15
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Damn that anti racism shiznat. Damnit!



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Old 9th May 2005, 04:25 PM   #16
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I'll wait for Guide to hit DVD, so I can compare it to the 80's BBC version. Other than that, I have no desire to pay inflated prices for stale junk food and watered down 55gal drums of soda.
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Old 10th May 2005, 03:44 AM   #17
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lol prophet, i forgot about the amityville scene where the priest gets swarmed, that ****ing ruled, total inappropriate theater lolage on my part went down :>
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Old 10th May 2005, 02:41 PM   #18
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lol prophet, i forgot about the amityville scene where the priest gets swarmed, that ****ing ruled, total inappropriate theater lolage on my part went down :>
Yeah I'm in the same boat. Got a alot of frowns from frightened teenage girls.
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Old 10th May 2005, 04:18 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister_Prophet
Yeah I'm in the same boat. Got a alot of frowns from frightened teenage girls.
Yea, I get that when I troll the Highschools
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Old 11th May 2005, 01:56 PM   #20
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Pending a viewing of Crash, I'll be ready to make another thread since I've seen all the other "new" stuff.
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