|19th Sep 2003, 08:53 AM||#1|
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he as stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
|19th Sep 2003, 11:19 AM||#5|
Oh. My. God.
"There are no Christians, as far as I know, blowing up buildings. I am not aware of Christian suicide bombers. I am not aware of any major Christian denomination that believes the penalty for apostasy is death. I have mixed feelings about the decline for Christianity, in so far that Christianity might be a bulwark against something worse" - Professor Richard Dawkins
|19th Sep 2003, 01:45 PM||#10|
We needs must add to these rules:
15. The Lord's Prayer does NOT begin: "Yo Big Daddy - you kickin' it upstairs.."
"To the last, I grapple with thee..." -Melville
|19th Sep 2003, 03:11 PM||#11|
"The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook."
"When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he as stoned off his ass."
|20th Sep 2003, 02:59 AM||#12|
"The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
Never trust small children who say "trust me".