Silly!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
>
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs wentflying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they hatch."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Kristina. Aunt Karen was a combat trained marine flight engineer in Desert Storm & her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun & a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break & then she landed right in the middle of 50 enemy troops. She killed forty of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed six more with the machete till the blade broke & then she killed the last four with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't screw around with Aunt Kristina when she's been drinking.

hehe

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Mets fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Mets fans too. Not really knowing what a Mets fan was but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy did not go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Mets fan."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm proud to be a Yankee fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Yankee fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankee fans, and I'm a Yankee fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Well," says Lucy "I'd be a Mets fan!!"

Sure Fire Ways to Know You're A Woman

> 1. You're a Bit<h.
> 2. When asked, Is something bothering you?, reply NO, then get pissed off when you are believed.
> 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
> 4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
> 5. Whine.
> 6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy
> 7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
> 8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
> 9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
> 10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
> 11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend/husband must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
> 12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Got this one from a "MAN"

[This message has been edited by Kristina|BFH (edited 06-13-2000).]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestlers trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "So!' the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Now this is good!!!

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch
of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

Something to offend everyone!

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
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Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
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What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "f--k"?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time.."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Don't get mad at me - I just copy this sh!t.

Little old lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You did't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."

"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

HEHE FART JOKES ARE FUNNY HEHE