Judge casts out man's suit against Jesus
By KAREN ABBOTT
Scripps Howard News Service
August 19, 2001
DENVER - David Merrill and his motor scooter are really unhappy with Jesus Christ.
They sued him in federal court Wednesday.
U.S. District Judge Edward Nottingham was really unhappy that they did.
He threw the case out Thursday.
Nottingham's written order called Merrill's lawsuit a "rambling, nonsensical, incoherent blotch on this court's docket."
The judge then quoted a one-line book review by the satirical writer Ambrose Bierce. "The covers of this book are too far apart," Bierce wrote. "So, too," wrote Nottingham, "were the beginning and end of this pleading."
Merrill, 43, declined to be interviewed.
He and his motor scooter - named as plaintiffs in the filing - also sued the United Nations, the El Paso County (Colo.) sheriff, the Colorado Springs police chief and the Sanhedrin - the highest court and council of the ancient Jewish nation at the time of Jesus' crucifixion.
The lawsuit is laced with obscure legal terms. It also contains references to Dutch settlement in North America; Nazis; Jews; obscure mathematical texts; a speech by President Bush about Social Security; and some mysterious organizations whose secret agents allegedly hold powerful positions.
A careful reading, however, disclosed that Merrill didn't sue the real Jesus Christ.
He sued someone he thought was posing as the savior in a prank telephone call in May 2000, when Merrill had been given 10 days to redeem his confiscated car.
"This man addressed me by name and told me that he, 'Jesus Christ' did not like to see 10-day notices, that they made him look bad," Merrill's lawsuit said.
Then Merrill's motor scooter was seized on grounds that he was driving it with expired license plates, no proof of insurance and no driver's license. Merrill has a history of similar driving-related charges in El Paso County.
Convicted by a jury, he spent some time in jail. When he didn't pay impound charges to redeem his motor scooter, it was scheduled to be sold.
Merrill wants it back. He also wants $5,000 for his confiscated car. He wants several other things, too, and if he doesn't get them, he wants $12.6 million from someone working at the New York Stock Exchange.
"Jesus Christ of Nazareth paid the ransom in blood for me on the cross and my motorcycle is part of the eternal inheritance in general," Merrill wrote in his complaint.
He signed it with his thumbprint.
