the story of the starship 'uss eternaty'

Chief engineers log stardate: 321658.9

Atlast I have made it back to the ship. Me and 8-4-7-2 is in life debt to beerbaron. I have installed the Nihilistic crystals and now we can finally get out of here. I am consurned that the problems we have met so far are only a taste of what is to come if Starfleet makes us go to Sjkaar.

Starlog 991

Starlog 991:

After saving my american friends from the evil canadians, they posted me as a security guard on their cool ship. Sweet. But I swear, if I see one more of these bastardly "Pickachus" the halls are going to run with the blood of these obnoxious bastards.

To: Captain
Subject: Weapons.

What kind of weapons are available to me as the security guard?

TO's log Supplemental

It seems that beerbaron is confident with is rank, although it must still be confirmed by Captain Cascade. But perhaps he confused something. He's not only some security guard. He is now Chief Of Security.

[memo to beerbaron]

Well, as Tactical Officers I know all handheld weaons in our arsenal (It's not nessecary to burden the Captain with this).

Mark 5.2 phaser rifle: standard weapon
Antiprototon shock disruptor: vaporizes everything
Perliminium hunter seeker missile launcher
various types of explosives

Due to our fast levaing of the Veridian III spacedock, this are our only weapons up to now. But as security chief just tell us which wepaons might be useful and we'll order them!

Commander's log 989820.8

As, I sit in the mess hall munching on some roast jigglypuf, I hear the good news that our crewmembers have been rescued from the surface of the canadian's planet, bringing with them a healthy supply of crystals (of which I have forgotten the name). With these power source, we no longer need the pokemon feces, so I locked the monsters in the airlock and send them floating out into space. Watching them die was extremely soothing. I suggest immeditate playback if stressed. However, I now must wait, as only our captain knows where we are headed next.

end log

Note: the APHC has put put a sleep by Jigglypuff.

Starlog: 9823

Starlog: 9823

Due to the lack of multiple firearms, I am volunteering my services as weapons producer. I also add my personal collection to our armory.

1. USRobotics Anti-Matter handgun (13 shot capacity)
2. Valve Atom-Disruptor (Use with caution)
3. Iomega Pulse Blaster w/ under barrel grenade launcher (NOTE: DO NOT USE WITHIN 50 FEET OF HULL, OR ELECTRONIC DEVICES)

As the thoughts occur to me, I will mention weapons to order. So far I have thought of only one.

Multibeam Targeting Phalanx: With a RPM of over 30,000 pe minute, this very cool weapon has been known to be able to shoot down ANY vehicle that is in range. Range: 3 million meters, but with a few alterations, I can increase the range to 6.34 million meters.

All weapons mentioned here will be added along with extra ammunition packages.

APHC log 60B5H1735!

While no one was looking, The Dopefish threw some Pokemon into the weapons hangar. Handy bastards, they are.

Starlog: 98452

Starkig: 98452

After cleaning up the Pickachus blood from the weapons hangars walls, I sought out to find the person who did this evil act. Since it was an evil act, I'm guessing it was some canadians.

Also, I have made a new weapon by taking apart a Mark 5.2 rifle. It now has a 60 charge capacity, RPM of around 300, and it now features a net launcher, flame thrower, and a proximity mine mode for those situations where its out of ammo, and you know someones coming.

Along with that, I have come into contact with a cloaking device, work shall begin on that ASAP.

Starlog: 98452

Starkig: 98452

After cleaning up the Pickachus blood from the weapons hangars walls, I sought out to find the person who did this evil act. Since it was an evil act, I'm guessing it was some canadians.

(Note to self, why are these Pickachus so stupid! After storing some of my weapons into the hangar, I noticed each one proceed to stick its tail in a light socket, thus, exploding themselves!)

Also, I have made a new weapon by taking apart a Mark 5.2 rifle. It now has a 60 charge capacity, RPM of around 300, and it now features a net launcher, flame thrower, and a proximity mine mode for those situations where its out of ammo, and you know someones coming.

Along with that, I have come into contact with a cloaking device, work shall begin on that ASAP.

Chief engineers log stardate: 321658.9

I have presented a list of the personnel we need to the captain.

I need some assistants and i am positive Skumboy does too.
A cook. Those machines we have does not give us proper nutricians.
A fashion-designer so we can get out of these nasty pyjamases(sp?).
Cleaners so that beerbaron does not have to clean up Pikachu blood from the walls again.
Security guards.
A doctor. The Dopefish seems...fishy to me.

After our adventure on Xaurta I decided that we need to enhance our weapons quality so that it will not happen again. I found a Pickachu that I began experiments on. I have now managed to convert my phaser into a high electricity weapon which is far more powerful then the original phaser. I call it the Pika-Pha. I have requested all personnel to turn in there phasers so that I can convert does too.

Tactical Officer's log stardate 596521,32

As we are out of trouble now and all systems are operating in normal parameters, I had time to relax. I spent a few hours on the holodeck and enjoyed canadian and pokemon hunting.
But suddenly the Dopefish appeared and disturbed me. His spam made it impossible to proceed.
I heard that beerbaron had also problems with him. I think the Captain should talk to Dopefish about this.

We still need to seal this pokemon releasing breach. They can be seen all over the ship. With my pikachu enhanced phaser I managed to kill a lot of them, but for each pokemon I kill, two new ones seem to appear!

I agree with MoyDoy in that we desperatly need a cook. I replicated a pizza in the mess hall and it tasted aweful. The replicators have problems with cheesy food. Fixing this has top priority!
Concerning new crewmembers: I also need a personal assistant, preferable female.

Starlog: 667023

Starlog: 667023

I have continued work on the cloaking device, and it is working, sort of. The thing is, it emits a light bending sphere around the user, thus, making them invisible. But, if you shoot/throw anything at anyone, the sphere will break, and you will be seen. This doesn't go on forever, the sphere eventually "grows" for a lack of a better word, back.

I think I might have an idea on this "Kill 1 Pickachu, get 2 free!" thing. If you see one of them duplicate, shoot the second or "future" version. This might work also by killing the "past" version. My idea is something killed in the future has no past. Of course it could just be the nasty pizza talking to me.

commanders log stardate ???

With the pokemon problem beginnning to get out of hand, I have decided to enter the disturbance that is bringing the pokemon to our world. As I expected, I am now in the pokemon world.

My guess is that there will some pokemon, more annoying and stupid that any previously encoutered, that is controlling this incursion into our space. Unfortunately on my way to the weapons store, I was assualted by a huge machine clearly designed for one purpose: to spam. I risked fatal injury as made my way through the walls of spam created by this machine and I was only able to grab a few weapons. I have a suspicion that this may have something to do with our holographic doctor, who's behaviour is becoming increasingly unstable.

Still, I must now concentrate on stopping the pokemon. I ahve warned security of the spam machine that is know roaming the ship. I just hope they can stop it, as it's powers of spam are most impressive.

end log.

Tactical Officer's log Stardate unknown

I went on a search for the spam mashine Commander Vortex reported. After short time a noticed first signs on deck 9. All walls and floors were covered by spam. As I proceeded the spam got more dense. I was able to reach the machine and make a quick scan of it.
It's mainly a holographic projection, powered by pokemon feces. This proves Cmd. Vortex suspection that the Dopefish APHC is involved in it. The scan also revealed a threatening pact: The pokemons seem to use the spam as food, while providing energy in form of feces.

However I was forced to retreat to deck 7, because pokemons attacked me! We lost contact to deck 8 to 12. All remaining pokemons on the ship are gathering there.

I worked out a plan. We need to bring tachyon emitters very close to the machine, 10 meters at least. This should bring an end to all holographic activity there. Now to the problems:
The pokemons will defend the machine
It is hard to walk through spam
We don't have enough firearms as the wepon lockers are in the affected sections

I will ask beerbaron and the rest of the senior officers for advice.

Supplemental

In the last days I havn't received any word from our Science Officer Skumboy, nor has anyone seen him. I fear he maybe captured by the pokemons or injured in another way.


[Edited by 8-4-7-2 on 08-06-2000 at 01:18 PM]

Starlog: IHATEPOKEMON

Starlog: IHATEPOKEMON

I have completed my work on the cloaking device, and disabled the feature that turns itself off when you shoot something, so now it should be easier to destroy the pokemon.

About the spam/weapon locker situation, I am asking all personel to give me their weapons so I can make more and better ones. I modified the Iomega Pulse Blaster, now it can be used near hulls, so thats one problem down, and who knows how many to go.

On the subject of spam coated walls, I have discovered that the nasty pizza mentioned earlier has the power to neutralize the spams power, turning the spam into nothing, its like a take-home antimatter thing. I will distribute pizza to everyone on the ship, just smear it all over the spam coated areas, and it should clear up. Also, the pokemon are extremly allergic to beer. I recently discovered this with a battle of 3 Pikachus, and all I had was a bottle of beer with me. I chucked the bottle in the middle of the cluster of pokemon, and they imploded on themselves. Along with pizza, I will hand out bottles of beer to everyone.

Due to the recent devlopment with beer, I will start work on a beer-spewing gun, more on that later.

Finally, once the holograph guy appears, I suggest that we lock down all holographic projectors, and secure the floor in which the evil bringer of pokemon is coming from. That way, I think we can finally kill him.

APHC log 84 84 8003Y!

Someone secretly rigged me with a holo-emitter, allowing me free access to the ship.

On my travels, I decided to float up to the bridge. No one was there, so I decided to phuck around for a bit. The captain's chair is comfy.

Out of nowhere, a beeping noise is coming from the comm port. I press a button, and a voice said, "Pika pika pikachu. Pika pika pika pikachu. Pi-ka-chu pika pika!" Quickly I pressed the button for the universal translator (Ed. note: I almost put translocator there. , and the message was clear as anything I've ever heard:

"We are the Pokemon. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile!"

Starlog: Whos Counting?

UPDATE: The beer-spewer is now complete. This will make killing the pokemon much easier. I have now begun work on a pizza-dispenser, which should make the spam cleaning easier.

Due to the recent message from the Pokemon, I am advising everyone to arm themselves and prepare for the worse. If you need extra weapons/ammo, come see me. I have found a quick and effective way to make the standard phase rifle to fire two different beams at once. By creating a small slice in the main feeding tube, about right where the middle of the tube is, it splits the charge into an smaller, more powerful, two shot combo thing.

Also, report any suspicous activity to me.

cyborg cannonball's log stardate: dont know, watch and starlog counter broke down.

i have succeded with my research with the EMP and it works just fine with pika power. Unfortunately it is a bit too powerful. I tried to mout a few (23 to be exact) friendly picachus (that were hiding in my locker, watching porn) and they nicley climbed up to the EMP-device placed on my back.
and i put the EMP-charge to the lowest. And that should only stop my watch and other tech stuff 1 meter around me.
But as i said it is WAY too powerful and it accidently blew up the whole rear deck so the engines and other stuff that is placed there (like my room, and a few others) wont work until someone fixes it. I took a look arund i saw that at least that the rear decks 5-12 are totally powerless. And on top of all that the pickachus mounted on my back, mutated into some wierd humungous metal eating monsters and went haywire, so they are having a party eating everything up and they have me as a hostage and makes me eat stuff like bolts, walls, and so on.

So i need at least a few mechanics to fix this disaster and a few soldiers to wipe the mutants out.

And hurry up...there isnt much time left...

Tactical Officer's log Stardate 50860.3

The moment I feared for nearly six years has finally arrived. The pokemon, our most lethal enemy, have begun an invasion of the federation and this time there may be no stopping them.

Our Spamfish has done his first useful thing on this ship, when he intercepted a pokemon transmission.
No we know their real intentions. I received word from Starfleet that they already attacked 4 planets. A federation tasksforce will intercept the pokemons at Wolf 359. I hope they can stop them.
I activated all weapon systems and shields of the Eternaty, but due to henke's fatal EMP experiment, they only run at 54 %

However, there are also good news. Equiped with beebaron excellent beer gun and replicated pizzas (who ever thought that they might by useful) I managed to clear the decks the decks 8 and 9 of spam and pokemons.

Perhaps the APAC makes his next good deed and stops his spammachine!

[Edited by 8-4-7-2 on 08-07-2000 at 05:20 AM]