the story of the starship 'uss eternaty'

Chief Engineers Log: Stardate...yes...a date with a star? I'd like that very much!

Oooooh...log wrrrrriting ti....shhhh...I'll beee right back...<giggle> errrr...right!..lohg writing time...thanks..I w-will have another. What is thhhis again? Kep...Kep...Kepoth Brandy? Mmmmmmm...Okok...I'll be there in a second...heeere...put this robe on..no wait!..leave it off..er..ahhh screw it..I'll write the llllog later...here I come!

<COMPUTER INVOKED PRIVACY FILTER: CONTENT CENSORED>

<End of Log: Timout>

Phew! I'm really beginning to enjoy this place now. I might not leave at all! Got his fancy new hands free kit for my log now so I don't even need to carry it around with me now. On this planet,a man has much better things to do than fiddle with his log.

Hmm, using my super sensitive hearing I detected yet another ship crash land in the lake. I could go take a look but I'm afraid I may get drawn into a battle with an alien or something. And I can't be bothered with that right now.

Anyway, I need to head back to my hotel room. All this intense physical activity over the last few days has made me extremely tired.

Tactical Officer Lt:Cmd. 8472's personal log Stardate 56133.2

Lt. RizMan met me in my hotel and invited me to get drunk. I couldn't resist, so I accepted. He also suggested that we could install a quantum slipstream drive on the Eternaty. An interesting idea, but somehow I doubt it's possible, because of the highly experimental nature of this technology.
(Note: see episodes "Hope And Fear"and "Timeless".Also mentioned in "Think Tank")

[computer: enable maximum security encryption algorithm Beta Charlie 5]

As I wasn't able to eat real pizza in the last months, I couldn't wait. It was so delicious: bacon, mushrooms, salami, onions........hmmmmmmmm! I would kill for such a pizza!
I immediately ordered 200 of them. It cost me only 5 bars of gold pressed latinum. I stored them on the lowest deck in the last, and most deserted cargobay I found. It doesn't even have a number. That should be the last place where someone looks for pizza. But for all cases I protected the room with a forcefield.
I swear: If anyone touches this pizzas I'll kill him. It will be the last pizza he eats in his life. This I vow by the blood of my life!

Helmsman RizMan's log, stardate: something after a night I'll never forget

Well, hmmm, I gotta confess something. I...it's quite embarassing...but I gotta tell someone (well, it's my log, so it's more something. or is the log a person, don't think so). Ok, here it comes. Right here right now...or...I don't know if I should. I have to. OK, I go for it now. I...I made something terrible...I cheated on my girlfriend (note: I'm sure you guys now think I really did, bit I didn't. It's just cause I got to post something cause I got nothing else to do at work. Hope this is clear).
Man, I feel relieved now. Hey, but thinking about it, although it sounds immoral, it was worth it. What a woman. Never got laid that way. Wow. I think I could get used to that. How long are we gonna stay on Casperia Prime. The longer the better
I met this girl last night after I went to get drunk with our TO 8-4-7-2. He suddenly disappeared, whispering something about Pizzas (I can't see them anymore) and a forgotten cargobay. I'm wondering what this is all about.
He also told me that the Slipstream technology is still experimental and is probably not possible to being installed on the Ship. At least I now know that it exists. I only heard about it from rumours before.
I also heard something about another ship having crashlanded on the planet. If I were in a normal condition, I would help rescue team, however, I'm still to drunk to care about anybody except of me and my other drunk friends.
I'm wondering if anyone on this planet know how to mix a White Russian. Dude that's a drink.
Whatever, I'm gonna look for this girl...

End Log

[Communication Officers Log : Stardate 98765.82]

Seems that the search party that was looking for Lt. commander Jennyway has found a survivor of a nearby crash. Ends up his name is Elrod. I believe he was meant to be stationed on the Neo Panzer but that isnt gonna happen now.
I've instructed him to try and get assigned to the Eternaty. He just needs to inform Cpt. CaSCaDe of what possition he would like to be assigned to.

(Female voice in background) Hey get of that computer and come to bed!
(Another female voice) Yeah, get over here and give us some of that hot lovin you promised!

W00t! Gotta go, business to attend to.

[End Log]

Personal Log - Stardate 34135566.69

After stumbling through the brush and trees for several hours, I was found by a search team looking for Lt. Commander Jennyway of the USS Panzer Blade. I have been informed that she is the only member of the ship not accounted for. I was also told that all this came about when the USS Panzer Blade came to the aid of another ship - the USS Eternaty (Odd name, but I kinda like it), which made it through the battle mostly intact. Apparently the Captain of the USS Eternaty (I don't know his name yet) is taking some of the crewmembers from the USS Panzer Blade as officers on his ship.
Right now, I'm in a medical center getting treated for the various bruses and scrapes I recieved from the crash, and some sort of plant poisoning from my efforts to seek help. Once I get out of here, I'll have to find my good friend Capt Neo_Skins, and have him give me the details of the battle. Maybe he can also put in a good word for me with the captain the the USS Eternaty. I'm pretty proficient with computers; he must have SOMETHING for me.

Tactical Officer's log Stardate "still looking for chicks"

Lt.Cmd. Neo_Skinz informed me that Elrod has finally been found near the crash site of his shuttle. He's currently recovering in a hospital on Casperia. It looks loke he will join our fine crew. But we will have troubles finding an adequat position for him. As personal asisstants must be famale (for cooking coffee, not what you think) he can't do this. We still need a cook. I'll ask the others for suggestions. I'm sure Captain Cascade has an idea about it. If we can't find s.th. for him, we could make him our Science Officer, as Skumboy has mysterously disappeared. But when Lt:Cmd: Skumboy comes back he will not be pleased if someone sits on his chair.

personal log

After I got really drunk last night with Lt: RizMan, I realized that I havn't spent any time with girls here yet. So I'll exlplore the beauties of this planet now.....

[end log]

Stardate 9876234987243

Hunter-Seeker of the Third Triad Thar T'pak reporting.

I have cleared the engineering room of the zonitopians and disengaged the force field.

It's eerily quiet around the ship. I guess all the prey have went planet-side.

Feeling safe, I have turned of my cloak field and I am walking around the corridors, peeked into several of the holo-decks and quarters.


Hmm this place is prime for attacks. Hopefully they left some sort of skeleton crew.

Well, I'll keep looking around till something exciting happens.

Hunter-Seeker of the Third Triad Thar T'pak out.

Personal Log - Stardate 234235235.7

Well, I'm out of the medical center, and enjoying myself immensely. I've never seen so many hot women in one place before . I finally got the chance to speak directly with Captain CaSCaDe of the USS Eternaty about a possible assignment. Somewhere in our conversation, he found out that I can cook. Doh! I guess being a cook wouldn't be that bad - it would at least keep me on the ship until something better comes along. I'll have to request a title other than 'cook' though; maybe something like 'sustenance preparation specialist', or 'nutrition management'. I just hope that the crew can put up with my .. er..*creative* cooking style.
Enough of that, I'm off to the pool to find me some babes....

Captain's Log, stardate classified:

My grand escape from the accursed starship "Eternaty" went completely unnoticed, as I had planned. I owe it all to Ono, my shapeshifting partner in crime. He's been able to walk around for weeks on the ship dressed up as a crewmember. Freeing me was a simple task for him (of course his cloaked speedcruiser was of some help as well.) Anyway, now that I've rejoined my army and spent some time in the healpod, I feel ready for action again.

Current scans register only a small amount of living organisms inside the Eternaty, which suggests the crew has either been killed or they've transported to Casperia Prime, being the only planet for lightyears around. But I won't make the classic mistake, so I assume they've gone to CP.

Time to act then. My scientists have told me the construction of my Weapon is as good as complete. They complained they needed time to finish the details, but I can't be bothered with that right now. I've decided to launch It tonight. The Great Missile has not been tested yet, and some of the scientists got rather angry about that. They called me an irresponsible fool....for that, I had them tied to the Weapon. If they want a test, they can have a test!

Only a few more hours and it's goodbye to Casperia Prime and hello to Mr. Black Hole. It really is too bad though, I'd have liked to spend some time on the Paradise Planet.

Dickard out.

Dear Diary,

Oh great. Just before we get to Casperia Prime and I can enjoy some vine, vimmin und song after being consecutively eaten, insulted, threatened with exile and finally escaping saving lives in the bargain, I get killed. [CENSOR]****[/CENSOR].

When I got to the Pearly Gates, I found St. Peter waiting for me. He looked in a book and said, "Ah. Sam The Man. Hmm... attempted sabotage of the Eternaty, putting 'The End' in a Storytime post, and... wow, you're a naughty boy Sam, playing Pokemon A Curious Shade Of Pinky-Russet, Tinged With Mauve And Vomit-Coloured Stripes, hmm... I have just the place for you."

He stepped onto the floor next to the stariway to Hell, uttered a secret password, to reveal a dectuple-locked safe, covered with bars, welded shut and with a 10-ton weight sitting on it. He melted the welding with holy fire, threw the weight aside as if it was a toy, ripped off the bars, opened the safe, and threw me in. As I fell screaming I saw him replace the bars and stuff over the entrance hurredly, so that nothing could escape from the horror within.

I found myself falling, falling, to a strange yet somehow familiar shape. An asteroid in space, with two tall buildings at either end. As soon as I landed just to the side of one of these buildings, my head fell off. I re-appeared, and my head fell off again. This happened again, and again. Suddenly I realised. I had been condemned to a fate worse than Hell itself... the Llama Farm! A place where the immortal souls of llamas are sent to be llamas for eternity!

Eventually I managed to duck behind one of the buildings before I could be respawn-sniped. I shouted a challenge to the camper up on the opposite building. "PH34r /\/\3, 5700p1d!" the bewildering reply came back, before I was shot again. After getting to safety again, I dug out my Universal Translator and attempted to work this strange language out, but upon feeding the text in, the Universal Translator immediately screamed and ran off. I must find it if I am to communicate with the inhabitants of this accursed place.

Finally I waved my hanky round the corner of the building. This seemed to provoke tremendous excitement from those around me, who had ignored me and each other before. They started to escort me back into the building, safe from the snipers. As soon as I was in safety, one of them fired a rocket at me. Luckily I was only knocked down, and didn't have to go outside again. My agressor then took my hanky and tied it round a nearby flag, then jumped up and down shouting "1 4/\/\ 50 1337! 1 0\/\/n j00r 455!".

Bruised and reapeatedly decapitated as I was, I seem to have been accepted into the order of this building, which seems to be at war with the other. Since they all wear pitch-black clothes, I do not know how they tell each other apart. From what I could gather, they will soon make me into part of their team. I must escape before llama-ism truly traps me down here.

Supplemental: I found my Universal Translator hiding under a load of debris that had been exploded from the roof's building. I am unable to budge it from its hiding place. I must try to coax it out and trap it somehow.

Medical Officers Log
Stardate: Umm who cares we're on CP
They found one of the crew from the exploded ship Panzer. Apparently that whole fireworks display I saw was a battle between the eternaty, panzer against a zenotopian horde. A pity we don't have more of those. The fireworks were worth it. Well the crew member Elrod was taken to the hospital. I ofcourse was standing by incase the Casperia Prime Dr.s needed help with dissection but it never came to that. Elrod is up and about, looking forward to his duties as our cook. I did observe the operation tho. I'm surprised what the can do with technology these days. They didn't have to amputate the bruised arms and legs. They gave him some thing called a "Painkiller" and told him to rest a few days. Wow I must make note to find these miracle pills.
Lately I have been hunting for the Sinonian Oodle Doodle Poodle in the deep tropical jungles of Casperia Prime. While there I found a very rare animal. The only time this beast was ever seen before was on earth in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. I believed they dubbed it a "Britaney Spears" I have been trying to track this "Britaney Spears" tho I must be careful as she has a very dangerous weapon, cheesy music. I think I hear something at the foot of the volcanoe, in that steam went ahead. Medical Officer out.

Phew, I must have been really tired as I have slept for nearly a day! I decided that I had better get up or I'll sleep the whole vacation away. I had a sudden urge to look under my bed and when I did I found someone must have entered my room during the night. It was a woman so I didn't really mind. She told me how she had been chased some kind of human/weapon hybrid. henke should really stick to his own species or he'll end up vaporising someone. I took this opportunity to ask the woman if she would like to join the crew of the Eternaty. I'll have to consult the Captain first but I'm sure he'll agree .

Uhoh, here comes henke again. AAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHH, he's attacking me! His trusted commander! Security!

(Cue weapon fire)

I'm to drunk to remember my rank RizMan's Log, stardate: As I said, I'm to drunk

Well...I don't know how I manage to do this logentry, cause I'm totally f****ed up. I think I gotta stop drinking for a while and focus on things that really matter: chicks. I gotta find an assistance for myself.
Tonight, I saw Vortex entering his room with this chick (he also had to be very, very drunk to take this girl for getting laid). I think he has some very odd sexual practics, cause henke joined them later. That's just disgusting, I mean, with henke.
But suddenly, I heard Vortex screaming for help. Man, where's security, I mean, it's there job to help him.
Well, there's nobody else here except of me, so I think I'm gonna get to go in. Oh man, I just not in a condition to do this. So, I walked -well, it was more like falling- towards the door. I opened it, making a lot of noise, a calling that: "I'm coming to help you Vortex", but before I could step in, I lost balance (I don't know why, perhaps the alcool?) and fell on the floor. I felt really bad. Uhh, I think I'm gonna have to...euuurkkk
I gotta go to the Sickbay I think... I won't try to safe anybody again when I'm drunk.
I don't know what happened after that. Perhaps I felt unconscious or whatever. Can't tell. I just hate Casperia Prime. It's really unhealthy to stay here for a long time. I think, when I recover I'm beaming back to the ship.

End log

Starlog: Dammit

It seems I have missed out on multiple pages of starlogs because my damn computer sucks a dead llamas nutsack. I need updates! Where are we? Is the wavy air thing dead or what?

It appears that henke had a virus which is why he attacked me but it's all under control. It's good to see taht beerbaron is back amongst the crew although it appears he needs to be updated on things.

Unfortunately I do not have a clue what happened to that wavy air thing so you'll have to ask someone else. Sad news is that one of crewmembers, just after seeing the errors of his ways, died in battle and was condemned to hell for playing the latest instalment of pokemon (dare I say that word). We may be able to save him though. If I can find one of those scary people that can speak to the dead. It will at leats let me know if hell really is an eternity of being spawn sniped by Llamas .

Also beerbarn, if you're wondering what these foreign surroundings are, we have stopped for a holiday on the planet of Casperia Prime. We deserve it after all those battles we had to suffer. Anyway, I need a break now as I'm used to writing these long logs.

Stardate 679867687642

Hunter-Seeker of the Third Triad Thar T'pak reporting.

The ship is still dead, although some of the crew has come back. Most look more worn out and sicker than when they left.

I managed to sneak down to the planet surface to restock a few things and get back before my personal pod was noticed.

A while ago, the old captive prey escaped. Noone seemed to notice, which makes me question the validity and intelligence of their security.

I have been walkig the corridors for a few days now, stopping at the eating quarters, various pesonal quarters and even back to the captains quarters..Nope no officers appear to be around.

I even, boldly, walked onto the bridge. Noone even batted an eye.


Hmm. Well, since it is quiet I'll hole myself back up into the captains quarters, eating some more peeza and schplam I have hidden there.

Hunter-Seeker of the Third Triad Thar T'pak out.

Lt. Cmd. 8472s log Stardate not much to report

Finally I found a really hot chick. She is now in my room and waits for some action. So I have not much time!

It seemed that Elrod was not very confident with his possible position as cook. Therefore I took some time and alcohol (This blue Romulan Ale thingy tastes great.I'll take s.th. of it to the ship when we leave) and thought about it:

We could also need a counselor, as you never know when a good advice or some psycho therapy is needed. We might also need am ambassador, if we - what I doubt - ever meet peaceful aliens. And.......eh wait.....that's everything I thought of. Perhaps the other crewmembers have also some advice (Damn. Now I already need a counselor!)

[general protection fault: unkown voice detected] Come on honey, I'm soooooo horny! Please do it................

Ok that's everything! I have other duties to.

supplemental
Commander Vortex contacted me and said that he would know that Sam_The_Man was sent to the eternal purgatory: The Llama Farm. Well, that's where he belongs and should stay: battle axes, renaming the ship..........

[error, error]
Come baby............

Ok here I come. Computer: end of log

APHC log...f00k.

Ouch. I must have bumped a circuit or something because my head still hurts. Something happened a while back, and all of a sudden, *poof!* I'm down for a while. Pork.

Medical Officers Log
Stardate: God Damn it NOT NOW!!
I was almost there. I almost had the britaney spears monster trapped whne tragedy struck.
I was called away because a couple of the crew were sick. Rizman apparently had a mild case of muchto-ous drunken alcholnnisitis.
In ohter words he was pissed to put it in the queens' english.( Hmm that's queer where did I pick that up?)
I told him to drink a lot of water and breath plenty of oxygen. Oxygen is very vital to beating this.
Henke had a virus. I had him downlaod McAfee Virus Scan version 09897878.25 from the inter stellar net. It slowed down his sytems
tremendously but we found the virus and it was quashed. Though I think he crashed the first time we ran it but the second time was ok.
Now havig taken care of that back to hunting the Britaney. On the bright side I did capture a sinonian oodle doodle poodle. I have transported it
aboard the ship and will gift it to the captain. I'm so glad that no hirogen hunter exists on our ship or else the mutt would start humping the hunters foot, and
and taking leaks on its boots.
*Excuse the messed up look of this log this computer I'm on is wierd...doesn't change lines automatically!