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CHRYSt

You can't help that. We're all mad here.
Jan 14, 2000
4,851
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www.crawlspaceradio.com
Because deep down, we all miss our ancestry of being naked poo flinging monkeys.

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"Where's the BACTINE?! Some of this blood is MINE!!" -- JTHM
 

Morety

The Farterator
Feb 23, 2000
12,316
33
48
61
Toronto
www.legionoflions.com
Dang, I should know better than to roflmao in this thread...Here comes Wolf again...

/me hopes for a quick fragging as my stomach is hurting from roflmao.

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Morety[PuF] - Betcha can't eat just one...well c'mon...EAT ME!
 

CHRYSt

You can't help that. We're all mad here.
Jan 14, 2000
4,851
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www.crawlspaceradio.com
*CHRYSt gets up and looks around

"What has happened to this land? Ever since Taskmaster left us, it has changed from a wonderful spring of death and suffering for my pleasure, and has become nothing more than a castle of debuchery to amuse others."

*CHRYSt decides to take matters into his own hands.

*CHRYSt rounds up some leftover Taskmaster clones.

*CHRYSt puts all the clones into a box but 1.

*Taskmaster is whimpering as CHRYSt ties it to a chair.

*CHRYSt releases a swarm of chiggers into the room with Task.

*Task yells a lot as the chiggers bury themselves beneath his skin

*CHRYSt stands amused...thinking of what to do next.

"We're running short on clones...we'll need some fresh DNA. Until then, we'll have to do clone rationing."


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"Where's the BACTINE?! Some of this blood is MINE!!" -- JTHM
 
S

Selerox[PuF]

Guest
-Selerox walks through wrong door and ends up in this thread.

-Selerox decides to liven things up by adding turbo-lax to CHRYSt's Fanta.

-Selerox collapses laughing as CHRYSt ondergoes a full rectal-prolapse.

-Selerox realises that the wave of brown stuff is flowing across the floor towards him.

-Selerox leaps up swings across the room by a chandleer to escape the heaving mass of feacal matter.

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PuF: Come play dying.

Send articles/rants/editorials to The Soundoff, home of the world-famous Llama Farm!
 

Wolf Blackstar

That other Wing Commander guy
Dec 13, 1999
2,309
0
0
Tau Ceti V
www.angelfire.com
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Wolf Shock-Combos a crap-flinging ape into oblivion and wonders what to do next.

<LI>Wolf notices that the flowing mass of fecal contamination has spread out and has come to a stop.

<LI>"Damn, but that's a lot of crap! Why does it always have to be crap?"

<LI>Wolf lights a flare and pitches it into the now quiescent mass of methane-heavy bio-waste and watches it burn.
</UL>
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-Wolf Blackstar

"A chainsaw! find some meat!"
PuF: Bring on the pain!



[This message has been edited by Wolf Blackstar (edited 04-12-2000).]
 

Taskmaster

Godlike - I like God
Nov 29, 1999
953
0
0
www.geocities.com
I had hoped that I was leaving this thread in good hands, however, I see that I was wrong! /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif Well OK, you guys have done well, gave the old college try and, at times, were quite humorous, but please make way for the master.... well, maybe "master" is a strong word, but... if the shoe fits! /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif Boy, I'm in such a good mood today you'd almost think it was Friday. On with the story....


Beads of sweat formed quickly on Taskmaster's brow as he stood stiffly hunched over a rough-hewn stone pedestal. The dank cavern was dimly lit by small cracks in the ceiling that let in thin beams of the morning sun, that cut laser-like swaths through the dust.

The gold idol before him gleamed brilliantly in just such a thin ray of golden light. The brilliance of the solid gold sculpture was almost hypnotic in appearance.

Taskmaster ignored the drop of sweat rolling down his nose, even though it was screaming to be itched awayed. He was carefully eyeing every last inch of the sculpture, mentally calculating the approximate mass and weight. As his eyes traced the shape of the priceless idol, his hands cautiously filled a leather pouch with dirt and grit, hoping to achieve a weight matching that of the idol.

"Hey Task, you in here?" came the sudden loud voice echoing through the chamber, half scaring Taskmaster to death. Taskmaster startled, nearly dropping the pouch and losing his precarious balance.

"Stop!" hissed Taskmaster frantically, recognizing Morety's voice (even though he had never heard it or met him /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif ). Taskmaster heard the unmistakeable "spfitzz" of a poison arrow being fired from an unseen hollow in the narrow passage leading into the cavern. A moment later, with barely a scream, he heard the thud of a dead body fall to the floor.

He closed his eyes for a brief moment at the lose of another member of his expedition, but he shook all the thoughts out of his head and concentrated once again on the glittering gold.

With one hand poised over the golden sculpture and one hand holding the filled leather pouch, he moved with lightning fast reflexes, and in a single fluid motion he lifted the golden artifact and place the pouch quickly in it's place.

A self-satisfied smile formed on his lip, disturbing the beads of sweat on his upper lip. The sweat rolled down either side of his half-smile, but before they could hit the rocky floor of the cavern, the stone pedestal began to shake.

Soon the whole area began to shake violently causing the air to fill with the disturbed dust and small chunks of rocks to fall from the ceiling.

Taskmaster, driven by fear for his life, rushed toward the entrance, forgetting all cautions. He plunged headlong down the bobby trapped passages, jumped a forming chasm, ripped through huge tangles of cobwebs, and dove out the cave exit just as it was sealed by a massive boulder.

Taskmaster lay breathless in the dirt sucking in air for his burning lungs. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his right hand. He looked up to see a big black Army boot crushing down on his hand.

"Well, Taskmaster!" said a familiar voice. "Once again we see that there is nothing you can possess, that I cannot take away!" Taskmaster looked up at the face of his laughing nemesis, CHRYSt!

CHRYSt held up the golden figure high above his head catching the morning sun. The gold figure shown in all it's glory. The ancient Golden Carp of Buhuwana!

* Music builds to a climatic frenzy *

RAIDERS OF THE LOST CARP!


OK, ok... so it isn't very original, but at least I wrote it from scratch! So see where you can take this story.... /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif


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I declare myself to be the self-annointed voice of reason for PuF! Opinions expressed by Taskmaster are not necessarily those of Planet Unreal! :)
 

Vortex

My last status sucked
Jan 19, 2000
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Planet Express
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Wow! I can't believe this thread is still going. Never posted or even read much of it until now so I don't really know what it's about. Still, it seems that most members here have posted on this thread so I may as well join them. Can I ask though, what is a chigger? It better not be a Pokemon! I won't try to expand that story cos I'd just mess it up anyhow. Unless Taskmaster and CHRYSt want to have a Pokemon battle or something like that.

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"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when
a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
 

CHRYSt

You can't help that. We're all mad here.
Jan 14, 2000
4,851
0
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www.crawlspaceradio.com
Chiggers are small bugs that burrow beneath your skin and make it itch a lot and get infected. My granny got rid of mine when I was little by pouring hot wax on them and suffocating/burning them out...Speaking of which...

CHRYSt heads back to his secret lair of DOOM deep within the heart of suburban northern VA. In his right hand he is clutching the golden figure that he stole from Taskmaster.

CHRYSt enters the room where Taskmaster's clone has been tied up. Taskmaster is covered in blood, and someone has sewn his foot to his head. CHRYSt breaks out laughing, and nearly drops the golden figure.

"Ahhh...Morety's been here..." CHRYSt clicks a button, and 15 miles away, Morety finds himself swarmed with bees.

"I have the ultimate torture for you, Mr. Taskmaster...one of your counterparts unearthed it for me, and now it has given me the power of God himself!!! Bwahahahahaaaa!!! I am CHRYSt-like!"

Taskmaster begins to lecture about how Christ was just a mortal man, but CHRYSt pays no heed..."You let me have my fantasy! CHOO CHOO OUTSIDE!!!!" CHRYSt presses his face against a window to watch the train pass (I'm really doing this people...my office has a view of the tracks)

"Where was I? Oh yeah...shut up! If Ithink I'm special, then I'm special! I even have the helmet to prove it! Now, on to your torture!"

"Now, you will see what I have in store!Where are the keys to 6 Frags? Tell me or face my wrath!"

"I'll never tell!" says the brave, but fearful and currently chiggered Taskmaster. "Please, get these chiggers out of me!"

"Well, that I can do!" CHRYSt hops over to the kitchen and cooks a big heapin' plate of bacon. CHRYSt goes back down to his lair of DOOM and tells Taskmaster not to worry.

"What are you going to do? No, NO! Not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT! AAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGG!!!!" CHRYSt dumps hot bacon grease all over Taskmaster. All the chiggers instantly either die or flee their host.

"There ya go! Chigger free."

Taskmaster glares at CHRYSt through burnt eyelids. "Please, just kill me"

"Not till you give me that key."

"I can't! I won't have you slaughtering thousands of mes every day! It's unsanitary!!"

"Then prepare to take the worst I have to give."

CHRYSt inserts a pair of military grade earplugs into his nose.

CHRYSt realizes his mistake, and quickly puts them into his ears.

CHRYSt, very slowly, very methodically, takes the golden figure and places it on a table next to Taskmaster.

CHRYSt presses the golden figure's right eye twice.

A small key comes out of the top of the figure's head.

"Last chance, will you tell me?" asks CHRYSt as an evil grin spreads across his face.

Taskmaster, with sweat pouring down his burned headfoot fearfully shakes his head no.

"Your choice." CHRYSt turns the key.

Nothing happens for exactly 2.4533276990812213 seconds. Then, sound bursts from the golden figure:
"Baby, baby baby...."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...."

Taskmaster screams in bitter agony as Britney Spears fills his head.

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"Where's the BACTINE?! Some of this blood is MINE!!" -- JTHM
 

trinity

Noli me tangere
Jan 3, 2000
383
0
0
Southern California
CHRYSt, the chiggers, bacon grease, torturing of Taskmaster and the like, that was fairly accpetable, but forcing anyone to listen to britany spears? thats just plain EVIL

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"And since I am the ranking officer on this ship, if you don't like it, you can go to hell."
 

Wolf Blackstar

That other Wing Commander guy
Dec 13, 1999
2,309
0
0
Tau Ceti V
www.angelfire.com
Crazed with battle rage and blood fury, Wolf crashes through the door and with his bare hands, crushes the idol into a shattered pile of metal trash, finally silencing the infernal racket that even demons fear, much less refer to as "music."

Unfortunately, CHRYSt has escaped in the confusion.

Damn!

Wolf breaks out a Kabar and slices the ropes that held Taskmaster. "You look like hell, boy! Best be takin' a shower ASAP."

Before Taskmaster can thank Wolf for setting him free, he pulls an action-hero stage depart, crashing through the one window that has remained intact.



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-Wolf Blackstar

"A chainsaw! find some meat!"
PuF: Bring on the pain!
 

Vortex

My last status sucked
Jan 19, 2000
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Planet Express
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Ouch! Britney Spears! Perhaps u should change ur name to anti-CHRYSt LOL! Well, at least Taskmaster wasn't forced to listen to Steps.

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"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when
a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
 
S

Selerox[PuF]

Guest
Selerox, long coat swirling around him, steps from the fog outside. He looks down at the pitiful remains of Taskmaster as he drags himself slowly towards the door, dripping with bacon fat.

Taskmaster almost makes it to the door when Selerox pins him to the floor with an iron clad guantlet, as he remebers what CHRYSt had said: "We're running short on clones, we'll need some fresh DNA. Until then, we'll have to do clone rationing."

Selerox bends down and whispers into the ear of the now trembling Task, "This is going to hurt you a lot more than me" and from his coat produces a long, valve studded syringe gun...



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PuF: Come play dying.

Send articles/rants/editorials to The Soundoff, home of the world-famous Llama Farm!
 

Wolf Blackstar

That other Wing Commander guy
Dec 13, 1999
2,309
0
0
Tau Ceti V
www.angelfire.com
......and dies as a rifle bullet pulps his cranium. His lifeless body collapses on Taskmaster, spilling blood and brains all over him. "This just isn't your day, is it?" says Wolf, holding a smoking sniper rifle.

"Now let's go, I just set this whole place to blow in 30 seconds!"

Wolf grabs runs out, dragging the bacon-fat and blood-stained Taskmaster with him.

the silence is deafening.......

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-Wolf Blackstar

"A chainsaw! find some meat!"
PuF: Bring on the pain!
 

Vortex

My last status sucked
Jan 19, 2000
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Planet Express
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One day we'll all be &lt;username&gt;-like and be able to contribute something to this interesting little story. If u can call it story that is. Anyway I have less than 70 posts to go now b4 IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo!

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"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when
a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
 

Boom

Rumpshaking Moderator
Mar 28, 2000
4,315
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Ah, that's why this page is such a pain in the a$$ to read. Good luck on becoming Inhuman or whatever, but please don't do that again. /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

/me realizes he has unwittingly entered the thread of nasty deaths.

/me looks around nervously.

/me is suddenly crushed by the weight of the 192 posts in this thread.

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ShBoom, ShaBoom, Yadadadadadadadadadada, ShBoom, ShaBoom........
 

WAnk

PH34R TH3 WAnk??<br><img src="http://markwsucks.ho
Mar 17, 2000
2,307
0
0
43
Seattle
www.wanked.net
i think i am close to something here, better start spamming /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

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ummmm WAnk??

Editors note: spam and die &gt;:\

[This message has been edited by Cobby (edited 04-19-2000).]
 

Blorgg

Active Member
Feb 7, 2000
1,587
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The Netherlands
www.nachos.tk
This topic is 14 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14


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Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Editors note: Hrmmmm maybe we should close the thread&gt; &gt; /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif


[This message has been edited by Cobby (edited 04-19-2000).]
 
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