Ben's probably conclusive guide to Eurovision 2012.
I know I've had you interested at "gay leprechauns", so please don't go and tell everyone how bad (nearly) all of this is. You're getting the point!
It's Eurovision time and I should know better, but I go there and do it again and again and again. For the third year in a row, the line-up manages to underwhelm, but at least it's not as bad as last year's. The results are in and listed in alphabetical order of the countries involved, because it's not exactly as if the artists involved are actually involved, or artists for that matter. Be there tomorrow and be there with beer.
Greece. When singer Eleftheria failed time and time again to not mention the social, economical and political crisis in her country, her producers rewrote the song to say "Ah-ah ah-oh-oh" and made her dance like a maniac pretty much everyone else who ever followed a choreography. Wins the men's vote (and I have to admit, the way she pronounces "addictive" has a certain appeal), but that's always been Greece's specialty.
Iceland. Gréta Salóme's and Jónsi's (not of Sigur Rós, mind you) massive jaws may only be seen in half light. Their Amy Lee-like UTTERLY DRAMATIC singing (if you don't notice, they will throw in a LOOK OF DESPAIR and the ARMS LIKE WINGS for good measure) engulfs an okay string solo.
Romania. Plastic girl feat. shiny city and gay leprechauns. There's also Rick Astley in there, and bling, and bagpipes, and none of it makes sense.
I know I've had you interested at "gay leprechauns", so please don't go and tell everyone how bad (nearly) all of this is. You're getting the point!