Post Poetry Here For Critique

[Amanda]

Hey everyone... I know that a few people at BuF write poetry, so I thought, why not open a poetry critiquing thread. So everyone, post improvisational poetry. Improvisational poetry is a certain topic given to you by someone else, and you try to write a poem on the topic right off the top of your head. I only write improvisational poetry, so I thought I'd ask y'all too. I'll name a list of improv topic to choose from, and everyone can also critique other poetry. Below is the list.

Improv Topics:


Demonic Enigma
Christianity Declined
Evanescent Return
Celebic Slut
Enchanting Evil
Enrolled in Heaven
Enrolled in Hell
Enveloped Tears


And if none of the above fit your taste, go ahead and make up your own topic, but first state what it was or what topic from the list above you have chosen.

I'll post my poem in a while.

[tarquin]

there's a neat play on words waiting to be discovered in "christianity declined" I think.

[Domon]

Okay...

Subject: Breakfast (this actually happened to me this morning!)

Format: Haiku (only type of poem I can write)

Mix four eggs in bowl
Pour into skillet and... ****
I burned them again.

I suck... in both cookin' an' poetry. ^_^;

[Tarantella]

[Celebic slut category (over 21's section)]



It is a night of dark desire,
A song of dark desire.
Wolves vent their loneliness.
The immortal one rises,
Mist shrouds her brooding form.

A timeless wanting.

Her raven hair cascades over
White shoulders, and her full red lips part
Slightly, to taste the life streaming
From the pale flesh beneath her.
Now a night of taking,

I remember her.



Thats all my own work that is..honest..:)

[tarquin]

"she had done her work,
she is with angels," he said.
f*ck you and your god.

[iolair]

Oh frettled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!

[Bounca]

Little Miss Mofit
Sat on her tufit
When along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said...whats in the bowl biotch

[Kray]

I hear a voice singing softly,
Like angels crying before me,
Actually, it was only,
My stomach telling me it's hungry,
so I grab a choc' chip cookie,
munch munch munch, I'm now happy.

:)

[Amanda]

My blackened heart enveloped by his wings,
entrapped within a space of nonexistent socialism.
Enticed by his pupilless eyes,
engaged in benign fear.

His evanescent soul,
carefully mutilating my flesh.
My mind in a daze,
so many thought out thoughts being thought as demons stampede on my soul.

I have examined his fingers and realize they are ghastly,
and I realize, I have just entered Satan's Palace.

That was improvised, and I'm open for revision suggestions.

[phil]

my haiku. (I'll be adding more)
kids think they have angst
they write generic gothic crap
it makes me want to spew

[Amanda]

hehe just trying to keep this thread up at the top so yall can reply. oh hell... i forgot... i am leaving in the morning.. and i wont be back 'til friday... oh darn... yall will be lonely without me. hehe... anyways... see you all friday.. i hope to have a lot of topic-related things ... eh? :p hehe

yall post post post!

[phil]

My new hiaku:

your angst sucks alot
people cry over stupid ****
I hope they grow up

[[PPP]Redman]

Celebic Slut: An Oath To A Belgian BB Contestor:

Blonde hair
looking like it was dyed
to cover up the teeth of time
but it sucks.

Little baby teeth
a disgusting smile.
Little eyes
lodged deeply into your
probably inbreeding-produced
****head.

DIE!!!


Thank you.

[Bounca]

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Here is another Jack Handy classic....


As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

[Morety]

phil, if you don't like it so be it. It's obvious many people here do. Please stop the flaming poetry. Why don't you try to write something happy like Bounca did?

[Witty]

Not sure what section this fits into... oh wait, how about comedy?
It reminds me of Dr. Seuss.

Oh dear! Oh dear! What a horrible plight!
My bed and I travelled through time in the night!
Yesterday was my birthday, I'm sixteen you see,
But this calendar here says it's sixty B.C.!
I'm really quite mad, I'd be driving today,
Now why did my bed have to take that away?
I did all my chores, I'd gotten straight A's,
I was starting in football on offensive days,
My life was darn good, leaving it gives me sorrow
Is it possible that I could go back tomorrow?

*grin*
I don't like the ending, and I know that this is a dark and scary thread, but this popped into my head. I'll make my next one better. :D

[Witty]

Here goes: a little darker.


I walked slowly through
The dark recesses of the forest
Stopping at every sound
Jumping at my own footsteps

I sat down

On what, I don't know
The sky above me,
The trees around me
Of these, I could see none

Trembling, I felt
The icy grip of Fear
On my mind

I felt his laughter
And I knew
He had won.



How's that? I'm workin on it.

[Witty]

This is kinda along the lines...

When the harsh wind blows

Through the broken hills

And the days grow dark and long



When the lone wolf howls

His lonely cry

And the rivers run cold and strong



When the sun is lost

Amid clouds of gray

And the peaks are topped with white



Then Winter's icy hands

Already have hold

And life becomes a fight.

[[DTK]~*2FazE*~]

My Dream, I be u see, in the library i feel the walls crumble and fall.
I see, i see, my lonely heart cry for thee..
O roses o fear, bring back my lover, i will never yell again,
and if you do i will always love you, even thou your dead.

I use to write alot of poetry but this you can make it be whatever u want.. one more eh??

Roses are red, Voilets are blue, in my back seat we will be gettin it on.. tee hee tee hee hehehee...

[phil]

Originally posted by Morety
phil, if you don't like it so be it. It's obvious many people here do. Please stop the flaming poetry. Why don't you try to write something happy like Bounca did?

/me uses everyone elses excuse when someone asks them to stop there "art"
Hey man dont be getting on my TRUE art! It's art and you have no right to edit it!

you have inspired my latest master work,

censorship is bad
pictures of the dead are ok
fight with a hiaku

[tarquin]

"l'art est inutile, rentrez chez vous"

:)

[Amanda]

Great poetry you guys.

Witty, I thought all of your poetry was good. Keep it up. ;)

Phil, shut up and get a life!

[EmptySpace]

Wrote this about a month or so ago:

Report

The air is dark with hate;
The sky, a polluted lake.
Gunshots go off violently.
People are running wildly.
I hear a car crash outside my door
And

THAT’S IT!

I can’t take it anymore!
As I finish writing this note,
I realize that there is no hope.
Death is my only resort,
And I can almost sense the gun’s report.
I grasp the gun and squeeze the trigger,
Ruining my dark-faced figure.
And everything has gone black
And I don’t believe I can go back.
The sand in my glass is gone.
I’m sure I’ll not be found ‘fore dawn.

And my life is over…
…But I don’t…really…care…
Because death (unlike life, at least)
Is fair.