Envy Me

I'm going to share to you a brief description of my girlfriend, if only for the fact that she's f'ing amazing.

She's a 5'6" blond punk. She likes guns. Better yet, she likes H&K. She plays Counter-Strike and Infiltration with me... well, she doesn't play, she just loves watching. We go hunting together. She drinks beer and casually watches the hockey game with me. We go and check out chicks together. She's in cadets (though she'd now be old enough to join the regs). She's not a vegetarian. She doesn't whine, she kicks ass. She's not afraid to eat in front of me. When she's not eating in front of me, she doesn't eat kleenex. She has the same rank I did. She has the same initials as me.

Yes, I have found what man has been looking for since the dawn of his age, a best friend with a vagina that you can have sex with and sleep with. Its the best of both worlds, my friends.

HAHAHAHA! I love bragging about her. Envy me.

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I don't worship Satan, Satan worships me.
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Oh Snakeye, she is very real... something I forgot to mention is that her favorite band is Rage Against the Machine, which is how we hit it off in the first place... that and out of all the people I've ever met, she's the only one who pronounces "whore" like me (hoo-RE)

Uh, I think she likes pick up trucks and hummers, which is great, cause they're my fave too.

I dunno what her favorite aircraft is.

And yes, she has a Heckler and Koch fetish, which compliments MY Heckler and Koch fetish nicely. If its a disease, I wanna catch more of it.

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I don't worship Satan, Satan worships me.
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We're both Warrant. I'm retired.

As for Humvees, we just like cars that can run people down, and as for pick-ups, I like transport that can be used as manual labour. Keeping in mind what I normally wear would be considered "rude" (federal agent casual attire [FBI, SWAT, etc.] as well as a full range of combats) my body piercings and tattoos would be considered "rude", but hey, I'm not out to make anybody but myself happy.

Personally, I don't really care about modern technology. All it does is kill innocent people, as opposed to people whos job it is to get shot in the face. Besides, I always believed man was given feet and not wings or fins for a reason, and that reason is because we are land animals.

As for Heckler and Koch, you know, there's a reason so many armed forces, both military and paramilitary (and I don't mean fanatical militias, I mean police forces) have adopted HK weapons as standard.

And as far as other people being able to touch her, yes, they can. Just ask my buddy that she routinely kicks around (she's one tough bitch!)

She's not Linda Hamilton/Terminator, or Demi Moore/GI Jane, she's more like... GI Jane with a normal muscle/fat ratio. Though I'll admit, she scares me sometimes. I've seen her bench 900 lbs. when she's REALLY pissed. Of course, I've put my fist through walls when I was REALLY pissed, and mothers have lifted tractors. Good old adrenaline. Though she could probably knock my head in if I wasn't ready.

As for people taking offence to me bragging about her, **** 'em! That's what I say. She's mine to love and brag about, and she's as damn near close to perfect as a person can get without, you know, being me. It is all in the taste the person has, though. I can't stand the whiny, bitch-and-moan, hang on while I put on makeup type girls. Its great, though, because she's masculine in all the positive masculine qualities, and feminine in all the positive feminine qualities. You know, she cooks, cleans, waits on me hand and foot, drinks beer with me, goes hunting with me, checks out chicks with me, cuddles up to me, sits and stares at me for hours, rips around the backroads screaming like a mad woman at 3A.M. driving the pickup. Its great! Really. I said it before and I'll say it again. Its like having a really hot girl for a best bud that lets you sleep with her and says "I love you" alot.

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I don't worship Satan, Satan worships me.
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I am madly in love! Hah, I love it. She's the only person that has made me happy in the longest time and I feel like spreadin that happiness. Unfortunately, though, I've never been anywhere in Continental Europe other than France (though I have a trip to Germany coming up in 2 years) so the delightfulness of the "hure" will be missed for a while.

Oh, yiah... I know where ta find you, Gringle. Oh, and I made that same mistake too. Right before I made the mistake of surprising her by taking her to a war flick full of action and blood and swearing (Saving Pvt. Ryan) until I found out she was anti-war, anti-violence. Hey, guess what relationship didn't last to long? =)

This one's a keeper though. Everything about her screams "Jordan, come hither and do me!"

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I don't worship Satan, Satan worships me.
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There are to many people in the world, but that's because man is stupid enough to think he's a social beast. Of course, he'll bring along his own downfall, I'm sure.

As far as any car being able to run people down, its very true. I won't get into the physics aspect of mass/velocity, but a big car travelling at 100 kph will generally do more damage than a small car travelling at 100 kph. By the same token, though, I could say people who like small, fast cars have come to terms with the fact that they have small penises and cannot hump for more than 30 seconds. Small, fast penis; small, fast car. How's that for psychiatric evaluation?

As far as Mr. Groucho (that's the mildly constipated cranky face) well, he's become my mascot. Abandoning him would be wrooooooooooooong.

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I don't worship Satan, Satan worships me.
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Well Derek, as happy as I am for you that you found a PhD in a Cracker Jack box while walking down the street one day, I'm also very sad (wait, what were the glib pop-culture super-buzzwords you used? "pubescent angst"?) I'm also very pubescent angsty at the fact that your penis hasn't fully developed passed a fetal cauliflower stage, and most your time is spent in circus freak shows. Now THAT is fuct up.

And as much as you like to display homoerotic tendencies by posting on message boards about feminine men or masculine women or whatever goes through your closet case head, it depresses me (much in a way somebody with pubescent angst would be depressed) that you're so fascinated with the sound of your own voice reverberating off your colon wall that you can't take your head out of your ass for more than five minutes to go re-read some posts that feature such interesting facts as "its like having a really hot girl for a best bud that lets you sleep with her and says 'I love you' alot" and "because she's masculine in all the positive masculine qualities, and feminine in all the positive feminine qualities." They're slightly revealing as to the fact that I don't want to have sex with a hermaphrodite (though you mentioning it obviously indicates one of us has it on our minds...) It mere emphatically states that (and I will paraphrase my quotes, since I know how hard it is to wrap three brain cells around any given topic at any particular time, believe me -- I used to go to school, and every day I would walk past this class full of speds, who were unvariably lighting their or each others pants on fire) "I like attractive women that can take care of themselves, that don't have those sucky negative qualities like other women who whine non-stop. You know the kind, the kind that will be more like a best friend than a girl friend when you aren't holding them and telling them how much you love them (rather than "let's go shopping for skanky tank tops and Daisie Duke cut-offs!" its "here's a beer, let's watch some hockey or go hunting, its up to you.") I like a girl that could have my back in a fight. I like a girl that doesn't mind having a threesome. I like a girl that, when we get into an arguement, we can actually hit each other, and whoever is standing at the end is considered the winner. I like a girl that doesn't cry when I tell her I think she looks ugly in x top or y pants. I like a girl that prefers trucks to dinky little sports cars. etc., etc."

Ipso facto, your arguement is much akin to Jerry Falwell accusing children's show puppets of being gay.

So go back to shaving your pubes and lubing you and your friends up for your weekly Chuck Norris Masturbatathon, because as much as you enjoy acting like Frasier, pretending to be a psychiatrist won't win you the chance to have a menage-a-trois with Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce

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I be the anti-myth rythm rock shocker
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Gringle, its okay, its what we call penis envy. They're either envious that I can stick my penis into a woman, unlike their palsied selves, or they just plain envy the fact that my penis is visible to the naked eye.

Fact of the matter is, they have a right to bitch. I bitch non-stop at guys who talk about their girlfriends that are the antithesis to mine (whiny, wimpy, gimpy, bitchy, pussy bitches.) I constantly make fun of them until they eventually break down into a fit of tears. Lets face it, there are three people people who fit into the computer world paradigm, our own little virtual "good, bad, and ugly".

The good computer people are geeks. They try to act cool and cover up the fact that they have no friends.

The ugly are the raver kids, with their garish eye-popping colours, pseudo l33t-speak, and generally tripped out behaviour.

Then there's us, the bad, the veritable angel eyes (with the devil mind), the punk. Here's a hint about punks: we don't like anybody who isn't us. You have skate punks, grunge punks (that I personally can't stand, they've never heard of soap), old school (which is me with combats and spiked hair) and new school (which is your more Offspring/Industrial style punk), and we're all very malicious. We all pretty much get along (with each other, that is) and we'll rip anybody a new arse hole on a whim (ask the guy that got his head stomped by my Sk8 punk buddy Nate.) Its just our demeanour. I don't mind when people fight back, it just makes the beat down more enjoyable. Really

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I be the anti-myth rythm rock shocker
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