Bad Joke Time!!

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Swarthy_Foreskin

Swarthy_Foreskin

Retarderator
Aug 16, 2000
1,512
1
36
Washington State
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a
true story from Mid NW, Wisconsin.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood

tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying
his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he
fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more
minutes
as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the
parking lot
and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed
alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
Warm Pudgy

Warm Pudgy

null
Feb 18, 2001
3,050
1
38
40
The Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers
up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the
bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears
that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served
additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off
the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He
wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes
over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to
his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the
bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and
belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds
the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and
either a cab or the police
will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"
 
Nemephosis

Nemephosis

Earning my Infrequent Flier miles
Aug 10, 2000
7,711
3
38
Two guys walk into a bar. One ducks, the other doesn't. Ouch. :rolleyes:

A nun, a priest, a rabbi, an American, a German, a Canadian, a Frenchman, a black man, and Jesus all walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?" :D

That should top off a few Groan-o-Meters.... :D
 
Viking1

Viking1

Highly Unstable
Aug 12, 2000
474
0
0
Winnipeg
www.cainsunited.net
Little Johnny came home from school one day and his mom asked him what he did at school today, to which he replied "I had sex with my teacher."

Mom says "Pardon me?"

"I had sex with my teacher" he said again.

"You get upstairs and wait til your father gets home" his mom said angrily.

A couple of hours later Johnny's father came home and when he walked in the door Johnny's mom said "You go upstairs and you ask your son what he did at school today."

So up he went anticipating the worst.
"OK, what did you do at school today son"

"I had sex with my teacher" Johnny said once more.
However being a chauvenist pig, Johnny's father was quite impressed with his son. So he says son, come with me, we're going to the store. When they arrive Johnny's dad says "Pick anything you want son."

So Johnny replies "I'd really like a new bike"

"Pick one" his dad replies.

So Johnny picks out a nice red bike and dad pays for it. On the way out to the car Johnny's dad says "Would you like to ride your new bike home son?"

"Mmm, I don't think so" Johnny replies, "My bum's still kinda sore."
 
Warm Pudgy

Warm Pudgy

null
Feb 18, 2001
3,050
1
38
40
The Butler Did It!

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their
butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he
pleased since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife
told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go
home and finish some work.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet
some very important people who were his new business partners. So
the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch
watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told
him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and
whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next
time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
 
OshadowO

OshadowO

Irregular
Feb 10, 2000
4,775
0
36
CA
A stranger walks into a bar and orders a drink. He turns to the man sitting next to him and says, "I bet I could use the wind currents out right now to jump out the window and fly around, do a loop de loop and fly back in the window.
The man doesn't buy it and tells the stranger to put his money where his mouth is. The stranger concurs and jumps towards the window, leaps out and flies around, into a loop, and back into the window.
The man looks at the stranger and goes "NO WAY!"
Suddenly he gets up ,runs towards the window, jumps out and falls to his to death 200 feet below.
The stranger just shrugs and goes back to his seat.
The bar tender comes up to him and says, "Chee Superman, you sure can be mean when you are drunk."
 
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