Prophetus
20th Oct 2000, 06:54 AM
You all may have read or seen these, but I thought I'd share these with all of you.
Court Cases
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not
to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
----------------------------------------------------
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole
your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who
stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the
prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at birth too.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the
injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr.
J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you
said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and
as the men swung around and changed partners, they would
slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody
pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under
a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas
and the navel.
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested
in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on
the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in
front of your name - not a damn thing.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have
you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would
you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional
five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law
against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Court Cases
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not
to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
----------------------------------------------------
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole
your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who
stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the
prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at birth too.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the
injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr.
J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you
said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
----------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and
as the men swung around and changed partners, they would
slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody
pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under
a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas
and the navel.
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested
in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on
the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in
front of your name - not a damn thing.
----------------------------------------------------
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have
you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
----------------------------------------------------
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would
you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional
five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law
against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.