While many server administrators have succeeded in making their servers quite lame indeed, it has come to my attention that some others may need some helpful tips on how to make sure their server is as lame (and as player-free) as possible.
I have gathered helpful inspiration from the many lame servers out there, and have assembled a helpful guide to make sure your server sucks as bad as any, and worse than most.
1. Make Sure You Have Inadequate Hardware.
A high-bandwidth connection will give your players lower ping times, a definite lameness no-no. Be sure to set your player limits high enough to overmatch your bandwidth and assure plenty of lag. Eight players will do for a cable modem, but an ADSL should be set to at least sixteen, and if you're unfortunate enough to have outgoing T1, you may have to set your limit to as many as twenty-four to make sure you have adequate lag.
An underpowered CPU is another must. Celerons are best, but if you must use a PII, or worse yet, a PIII, lots of bots can help slow things down.
2. If Possible, Prevent Anyone From Logging On
Lots of very large mod files help here. So does using custom maps, but make sure they're not available at Nali City or other large sites, because then prospective players may have them already. But with careful use of large files, and inadequate bandwidth, you can delay players for hours!
3. Maximize Your Lag With Turbo Mode!
Now that your server is nice and laggy, make sure that as many things as possible are happening in that 450ms delay by enabling turbo mode. Turbo mode has the added advantage of sending packets faster, so if you just can't get laggy enough, enabling it should help.
4. Now Pick Some Really Stupid Mods
Jumpmatch or low gravity mods are great, especially on a laggy server...this way you can prevent anyone from hitting anyone else except by luck. If people are still being plagued by skill-based kills, try enabling "sniper arena". If you have any lame mods of your own, by all means put them up...redeemer arena, anyone?
5. Pick Dumb Maps
Got any custom maps made by nearsighted eight year olds? Throw 'em on. Otherwise, if you absolutely must use Epic or other high-quality maps, make sure that your choice of mods and player limits is enough to make them lame. I'm sure that twenty-four players would love to play CTF in Niven. Or four in Hall of Giants. Low-gravity is cool for making the bases irrelevant in Lavagiant, and sixteen-player rocket arena deathmatch in the Fractal Reactor is great for lots of spawn kills.
6. Unbalance the Teams
Don't enable team balancing, whatever you do, or a bot or two to balance teams. A really neat trick is to play on your own listen server, but don't actually play. Just log your character on, and then go take a nap while he sits there handicapping one team, and getting fragged over and over again. Players *love* this. They'll thank you for it. Really. Would I lie to you?
7. Lots and Lots and Lots and Lots...of Bots!
No server is complete without 16 bots running around, especially if the player limit is low. People don't play online to play other people; they want to play against your bots. Indulge them. A dozen or so Godlike bots with zero ping are great fun on a laggy server, especially with sniper rifles. Ideally, players should die before the bot even shows up on their screen. This is a really good way to make your server suck, trust me.
For extra lameness, give your bots really cool names, like Hairy_**** and Clit_Licker. All the UT players under the age of twelve will think you're really cool.
8. Glory in Your New-Found Lameness
Now name your server something like "Mr. Fast Connection's Blazing OC3 of Speed", sit back and reap the rewards of carefully orchestrated lameness; hour after hour of an empty server. Congratulations!
------------------
Arrr!
Walk the plan ye scallywags!
I have gathered helpful inspiration from the many lame servers out there, and have assembled a helpful guide to make sure your server sucks as bad as any, and worse than most.
1. Make Sure You Have Inadequate Hardware.
A high-bandwidth connection will give your players lower ping times, a definite lameness no-no. Be sure to set your player limits high enough to overmatch your bandwidth and assure plenty of lag. Eight players will do for a cable modem, but an ADSL should be set to at least sixteen, and if you're unfortunate enough to have outgoing T1, you may have to set your limit to as many as twenty-four to make sure you have adequate lag.
An underpowered CPU is another must. Celerons are best, but if you must use a PII, or worse yet, a PIII, lots of bots can help slow things down.
2. If Possible, Prevent Anyone From Logging On
Lots of very large mod files help here. So does using custom maps, but make sure they're not available at Nali City or other large sites, because then prospective players may have them already. But with careful use of large files, and inadequate bandwidth, you can delay players for hours!
3. Maximize Your Lag With Turbo Mode!
Now that your server is nice and laggy, make sure that as many things as possible are happening in that 450ms delay by enabling turbo mode. Turbo mode has the added advantage of sending packets faster, so if you just can't get laggy enough, enabling it should help.
4. Now Pick Some Really Stupid Mods
Jumpmatch or low gravity mods are great, especially on a laggy server...this way you can prevent anyone from hitting anyone else except by luck. If people are still being plagued by skill-based kills, try enabling "sniper arena". If you have any lame mods of your own, by all means put them up...redeemer arena, anyone?
5. Pick Dumb Maps
Got any custom maps made by nearsighted eight year olds? Throw 'em on. Otherwise, if you absolutely must use Epic or other high-quality maps, make sure that your choice of mods and player limits is enough to make them lame. I'm sure that twenty-four players would love to play CTF in Niven. Or four in Hall of Giants. Low-gravity is cool for making the bases irrelevant in Lavagiant, and sixteen-player rocket arena deathmatch in the Fractal Reactor is great for lots of spawn kills.
6. Unbalance the Teams
Don't enable team balancing, whatever you do, or a bot or two to balance teams. A really neat trick is to play on your own listen server, but don't actually play. Just log your character on, and then go take a nap while he sits there handicapping one team, and getting fragged over and over again. Players *love* this. They'll thank you for it. Really. Would I lie to you?
7. Lots and Lots and Lots and Lots...of Bots!
No server is complete without 16 bots running around, especially if the player limit is low. People don't play online to play other people; they want to play against your bots. Indulge them. A dozen or so Godlike bots with zero ping are great fun on a laggy server, especially with sniper rifles. Ideally, players should die before the bot even shows up on their screen. This is a really good way to make your server suck, trust me.
For extra lameness, give your bots really cool names, like Hairy_**** and Clit_Licker. All the UT players under the age of twelve will think you're really cool.
8. Glory in Your New-Found Lameness
Now name your server something like "Mr. Fast Connection's Blazing OC3 of Speed", sit back and reap the rewards of carefully orchestrated lameness; hour after hour of an empty server. Congratulations!
------------------
Arrr!
Walk the plan ye scallywags!
