Phayder-A Unreal Fan Fiction

Ehm...can you link to that Swarto's fan fiction page a bit, please? Your first part seriously lacks background information, even when you're doing a flash-forward to the ending of the book. Besides...with an emotional piece like that (man hates what woman has become and kills her), you're really starting the wrong way...readers will hate that guy from the start, and I doubt anything you'll write will change their mind.

Besides that...slow things down. If you throw readers in the middle of a story like that, they're going to have a tough time following it all. Even the ones who are already familiar with the UT series. Describe things more; where are the characters? What are they doing exactly (NOT in detail)? Is the scene realistic?
I can point out a whole bunch of clichés and plotholes in it already. Fix these up before I get the impression it's actually meant as a parody on action movies.

Can someone else point out the spelling errors? I might miss a few...

I agree with Taleweaver. I'm a english idiot but i do know a little. try using compound sentences and complex sentences. USE CONJUCTIONS. To be honest your 1st chapter was pretty lame here are the reasons:
1. You throw the reader in a big battle(or small)
2. No background
3. To much happens in less than 30 sentences
4. Whats the point of the practice match (he just fought)
5. We are introduced to 3 characters with no story to why they are their
6. Tell people what ASMD and M3A2 means!

"Zaros yelled as he threw the solider to the ground. (new paragraph here) ->A few drinks later(comma) a hole was blasted through the celling. The Necris ran through in to the arena seeking nanite cover." ^word (into)

This is how i would write this part:

Zaros yelled as he threw the Solider to the ground.
(new para) A few drinks later, a hole blast through the celling and Necris ran into the arena seeking nantine cover.

Send me a copy and ill try to proof read it (my AIM is mattpatt666)

Hmm... agree with pretty much all points so far raised, with a few to add. Descriptive writing is a talent you have to work hard at, and can take a lot of practice to get right. The trick is to give clear and concise descriptions of the action, without resorting to explaining every little thing in too much detail. Small mistakes make a big impact, such as:

A rocket whizzed by Zaros’s head and he turned around and fired a ASMD shock riffle shot at his opponent.

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Do we need to know that it's an ASMD Shock Rifle? Not really, it's just superfluous and meaningless detail in this situation. Another clear mistake here is the use of 'and' (I've made the offending word bold in the above quote). The entire sentence is somewhat garbled. It's an action piece, describe it as such!

A rocket whizzed past Zaros' head, causing him to duck momentarily before rolling swiftly to the side. The projectile impacted against the wall, sending red hot fragments of shrapnel scything through the air. However, Zaros was already on his feet again, his gun arm instinctively raising into a firing position with barely a concious thought.
Spinning gracefully around to face his opponent, Zaros snap-fired his shock rifle, the iridescent beams of purple energy throwing his facial features into sharp relief. As his opponent dodged to avoid the blasts, Zaros' natural prediction reflexes kicked in and time seemed to slow down for a moment.....

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You could easily take that anywhere you wanted. Have him lob a prediction shock ball and combo Thannis, or lob a shock ball at the floor in front of Thannis, sending him flying, or whatever.


You definitely need to start breaking your sentences up more, reading large blocks of text is not a good thing. The reader will easily lose interest and quickly become bored because it feels like a chore reading through a mass of text.


Never, ever, incorporate speaking lines into a body of descriptive text, and you should generally avoid using numeric digits to represent numbers in this type of writing. Both of these are evident here:

He won 15 to 9 hits. “Good job Zaros,” said a Necris solider sitting on the bar.

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Additionally, you're using the present tense instead of past tense. 'He won' should be replaced with 'He had won'. Descriptive writing is mostly describing things in the third person, not the first (though first person descriptive writing is an artform in itself - describing the action through the eyes of a soldier as he writes in his journal for example). The above would read much better something like:

Zaros regarded his opponent coldly. He had won by an easy margin of fifteen to nine points, yet he still seemed empty inside. Training just didn't set him on fire in the same way real combat did. Still, he thought, training must be endured, no matter how dull it feels. His private musings were interrupted by the presiding officer offering a token congratulation from his place of safety behind the reinforced glass observation window.
"Nice work, Zaros. You improve in skill every time I see you fight."
Zaros gave a curt nod, knowing very well that his skills matched and, indeed, surpassed those of any of his rivals.....

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See how easy it is to build up that one fractured sentence into something that grabs the reader's attention? Internal Monologue is an important tool in descriptive writing, but don't overuse it. People think things all the time, it's good to enlighten the reader on occasion as to what the 'hero' is thinking about. Keep the suspense, and keep the interest


The last thing I'll mention for now is to do your homework. The Necris are, to all intents and purposes, dead. Dead, emotionless, cold. You've given Zaros a hot temperament, making him get very annoyed indeed when mention is made this 'Rhan' character. Build up some detail here, make the reader aware of the general disposition of the Necris themselves, then use suggestion to keep them interested. Why is he so heated about Rhan? What did she do to him? Or to someone else? Why is he harbouring feelings of resentment about her when his only true feelings should be that of all Necris - loathing of all other life and the desire to extinguish it, and so on and so on.

Keep at it and bear the above points in mind, then post it again when you've reworked it