Here we go, a real Movie update for you film goers out there.
Some new movie reviews by yours truly.
Cursed - Wes Craven is often called The Master of Horror. Not simply Master, but The Master. And yes, he's directed some truly classic movies. He brought us Freddy. Whether you liked Scream or not, one cannot ignore the huge genre following that stormed after the release of that new-age teen slasher. But a film like Cursed is just a thrilless teen horror movie that adheres to Standard Operating Procedure.
The fact that this souless cliche clone of countless other clones is rated PG-13 only adds to lame factor. What the hell was Wes thinking?
The film is about warewolves, and while I love warewolves...they have been appearing in some pretty bad movies in the last few years. The story is... a woman and her younger brother live together, she takes care of him because their parents are dead. The woman has some relationship problems with her boyfriend, who is basically the typical boyfriend in a slasher movie. He is unable to commit or has some problem that gives the relationship a jerk so that when the horror scenes occur, the two have a reason to be thrust back together in seens of suspence and violence. Thing is, as a slasher movie AND a Wes Craven movie, most characters exist to be possible decoys. Students of Scream will know right away the order of "who dun it" characters. You know the unknown warewolf that stalks the "Cursed" sister and brother (who slowley begin to experience the effects of wolfen throughout the film) is actually, in human form that is, someone one of them knows. This person also has a *gasp* motive. As such, alot of the characters, especially the boyfriend, have the whole shrouded possibility thing going on. But unlike Scream where it can be anyone up to the last moment, this film is a clumsy attempt at that same mystery. What I'm saying is, most of you should figure out who is behind the "curse" way before it is revealed. Sadly, the dialogue just isn't has smart this time. The character are the typical horror movie characters that the characters in Scream made fun of. It's so bad that entire characters assume new attitudes and personalities to make for a prolonged ending.
And onto another point, how come...and this ALWAYS HAPPENS....how come the monster or demon or whatever it is trying to kill the protagonists rips through secondary characters like tissue paper, but take a loooong time batting the heroes around like toys without inflicting serious damage. You see this alot in movies, and 90% of the time this same monster, which before rips some cop's head off with a single swipe or gnaws off some chick's face with those big fu<king claws it always has....this very same monster will get face to face with the protagonist...close enough to growl in the hero's face (all this happening when the good guy is against a wall or on the ground totally afraid)...and the monster takes the moment to grab the hero by the face or throat or arm and throw them across the room where they crash into something easily breakable and fall on the ground with an "oof" sound. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. This movie makes the warewolf throw the main characters around a room not once. Not twice. Not thrice. But lots and lots and lots of times...until most of the furniture in the room is broken and the good guy has a slight cut on their forehead. Not only that, but this same badguy also gets close to the knocked out heroine to tear her throat out but instead pats her face a little, giving another character enough time to stand up from being...guess what....thrown around...and serve as a distraction long enough for the warewolf to turn around and go "Roorf?" while the other character regains conciousness. I'm not even kidding, this one fight scene consisted of the warewolf character throwing the good guys around the room one at a time (they of course cannot match the warewolf's strength) while the other distracts the monster from growling at the former, gets thrown, and the former gets back up..distracts the monster from snarling furiously at the other, and gets thrown too. Each time they get thrown, one of the characters tries to grab something in the room to hit the distracted monster with. This suspense strategy is about as effective as a 90 year old condom that has been used more often than an alter boy at confession.
Oh yeah...the villains...when they aren't warewolves...spend a long time talking and explaining things to the good guys when they can easily kill them, but don't. They also spend alot of time toying with the main characters and stare at them intently alot. The film was rated PG-13 and I can't tell you how many kids walked out the theater...whispered how stupid it was...and snuck into Hitch or the Winnie the Pooh movie.
Prophet's Rating: *
Hitch - Despite my misgivings about Will Smith (who I only really liked in Men in Black), this film is actually pretty ok. Hitch is a date doctor who helps guys wow the girls they like so that they can live healthy relationships to their fullest. Hitch gets the dice rolling, getting nervous guys get past the ackward begining phases of coupling. When trying to set a client up on a hot date with a celebrity, a journalist played by Eva Mendes (or Mendez) tries to get info out of Hitch, who she suspects knows about the media frenzied pair Hitch is setting up BUT she doesn't know he is the mysterious Date Doctor. The formula follows basic romantic comedy guidelines. The romantic hero, in this case Will Smith, will screw up dates with Mendez (or Mendes) in funny ways and the plot will promise that a second date will follow regardless of how badly he screws up. The comedy is there although most of the humorous stuff is spoiled by the advertisements you've all no doubt seen more often than you see your genitals. Smith and Mendez (or Mendes) don't really have chemistry as characters, but this film is more about laughs that the mushy crap. Though...there is plenty of that crap too.
Prophet's Rating: **1/2
Son of the Mask - Why make a sequel to a Jim Carry movie that only worked before because it starred Jim Carry, but you don't cast Jimy Carry for the sequel? It didn't work for Dumb and Dumberer and it doesn't work here. Jamie Kennedy was good in Scream because he portrayed every film geek out there with pin point precision and comic brilliance. But in this movie he bites it pretty hard. Look, even the original Mask was a pretty crappy movie despite Carry's natural cartoon character charm. Without him the idea goes nowhere. And I'm sick of how babies are portrayed in most movies, especially when they are cartoony. This brat is more annoying then that blonde haired blue eyed infant nazi in Meet the Fockers This movie came out too many years too late with a leading actor who is missing in action for the second round. And get this straight dammit, nobody...and I mean nobody...can replace Jim Carry in a sequel and expect even half the results.
Prophet's Rating: *1/2
Diary of a Mad Black Woman - I watched this one night in a theater PACKED and I mean PACKED with black people. They laughed at everything. EVERYTHING. I never felt so racially excluded in my entire life. I mean it.
This movie starts off about a woman who is cruelly treated by her Grade A dickhead husband and is kicked out of the house on their anniversity when the husband comes home with some slut gf he's been banging on the side and basically tells her it's over and he's punting her to the curb wearing nothing but the elegant dress she's got on. There's some real good acting in the begining of the movie, in fact it seems like its gonna turn into a pretty decent film about a woman regaining her life and all this starting over stuff...and it does...sorta...
But WTF? She goes to her Grandmother's porch in the ghetto and suddenly it's Big Momma's house. Tyler Perry, a dude, plays the role of the protagonist's foul mouth, gun wielding grandmother. Every sentence she utters resulted in a insane amount of laughter in the theater. But not everything she says is funny. And yeah, in another movie some stuff she does might be very comical...but the movie changes shifts so randomly that you totally don't buy what's supposed to be going on. It isn't like the whole movie is a comedy with bursts of drama to mediate the laughs, like normal movies do. This movie actually starts off as a serious drama and continues with scenes about real dramatic stuff and morals and things you'd find in an Alice Walker Novel...and then batshiit insane and LOUD black comedy infiltrates the screen. I've never felt so white in my life! I simply could not understand the reponse the theater was giving the movie. I looked across at this other guy, also white. We both made eye contact and shrugged at each other. It isn't like I'm suddenly immune to black humor. The funniest people in the world are black comedians. To test my theory that this may very well be the first racially divided movie I have ever seen, I conducted a Prophet survey at my job. I asked a ton of people, co-workers and normal people walking around in the theater lobby what they thought of the movie. Every single Black person liked it. Every single White person hated it. Every Latino person I saw said it was ok, but they snuck in halfway through anyway because Cursed sucked so bad. I didn't see any other races to exploit and categorize for a funny internet movie review that I'm not getting paid for. So yeah, this has gotta be the first movie I have EVER seen that I couldn't fully enjoy because I was too "white". I never thought this would happen to me. Only conservative snobs like my neighbors across the street should feel that way, not vulgar, crude mouthed film geeks such as myself.
Madea, Perry's character, interrupts the movie too much. She makes you smirk but I hope you'll agree with me that the real movie is smothered under her ambush tactic behavior.
Prophet's Rating: ** (Add a star if you are Black)
Constantine - I am the One. Hu-wah. And I will fight Satan. Keanu Reeves stars as what 90% of movie reviews in this country describe as a "chain smoking, suicidal hero who is dying of lung cancer". This movie is getting loads of bad reviews even though 9 out of every 10 people I talk to say "OMFG IT RULES!!"
In all Fairness, it's about in between. As I stated on a thread in Unreal Playground, parts of the movie I really liked and thought were cool and some parts I rolled my eyes. To look at the trailers you'd expect a movie carbon copied from the Matrix and probably directed by one of the WachKoskyOMGIHADASEXCHANGEOPERATIONLOLTHATEXPLAINSTRINITYLOL Bros. But it's actually directed by a music video director. Oh don't groan, this one is pretty good. The guy isn't a David Fincher or a Spyke Jonez, but at least he isn't Joeseph Kahn or one of the guys who made such atrocities against everything sacred and holy like Charlie's Angels 2 and Catwoman.
I'm one of the few people I know who actually likes Keanu Reeves. I don't care that he speaks with that surfer boy tone and has that stonger gaze. I don't even care about his performance in that Dracula movie. I think he's a fun guy to watch and Speed owns you!
Prophet's Rating: **1/2 (add half a star if you've never seen The Prophecy)
Some new movie reviews by yours truly.
Cursed - Wes Craven is often called The Master of Horror. Not simply Master, but The Master. And yes, he's directed some truly classic movies. He brought us Freddy. Whether you liked Scream or not, one cannot ignore the huge genre following that stormed after the release of that new-age teen slasher. But a film like Cursed is just a thrilless teen horror movie that adheres to Standard Operating Procedure.
The fact that this souless cliche clone of countless other clones is rated PG-13 only adds to lame factor. What the hell was Wes thinking?
The film is about warewolves, and while I love warewolves...they have been appearing in some pretty bad movies in the last few years. The story is... a woman and her younger brother live together, she takes care of him because their parents are dead. The woman has some relationship problems with her boyfriend, who is basically the typical boyfriend in a slasher movie. He is unable to commit or has some problem that gives the relationship a jerk so that when the horror scenes occur, the two have a reason to be thrust back together in seens of suspence and violence. Thing is, as a slasher movie AND a Wes Craven movie, most characters exist to be possible decoys. Students of Scream will know right away the order of "who dun it" characters. You know the unknown warewolf that stalks the "Cursed" sister and brother (who slowley begin to experience the effects of wolfen throughout the film) is actually, in human form that is, someone one of them knows. This person also has a *gasp* motive. As such, alot of the characters, especially the boyfriend, have the whole shrouded possibility thing going on. But unlike Scream where it can be anyone up to the last moment, this film is a clumsy attempt at that same mystery. What I'm saying is, most of you should figure out who is behind the "curse" way before it is revealed. Sadly, the dialogue just isn't has smart this time. The character are the typical horror movie characters that the characters in Scream made fun of. It's so bad that entire characters assume new attitudes and personalities to make for a prolonged ending.
And onto another point, how come...and this ALWAYS HAPPENS....how come the monster or demon or whatever it is trying to kill the protagonists rips through secondary characters like tissue paper, but take a loooong time batting the heroes around like toys without inflicting serious damage. You see this alot in movies, and 90% of the time this same monster, which before rips some cop's head off with a single swipe or gnaws off some chick's face with those big fu<king claws it always has....this very same monster will get face to face with the protagonist...close enough to growl in the hero's face (all this happening when the good guy is against a wall or on the ground totally afraid)...and the monster takes the moment to grab the hero by the face or throat or arm and throw them across the room where they crash into something easily breakable and fall on the ground with an "oof" sound. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. This movie makes the warewolf throw the main characters around a room not once. Not twice. Not thrice. But lots and lots and lots of times...until most of the furniture in the room is broken and the good guy has a slight cut on their forehead. Not only that, but this same badguy also gets close to the knocked out heroine to tear her throat out but instead pats her face a little, giving another character enough time to stand up from being...guess what....thrown around...and serve as a distraction long enough for the warewolf to turn around and go "Roorf?" while the other character regains conciousness. I'm not even kidding, this one fight scene consisted of the warewolf character throwing the good guys around the room one at a time (they of course cannot match the warewolf's strength) while the other distracts the monster from growling at the former, gets thrown, and the former gets back up..distracts the monster from snarling furiously at the other, and gets thrown too. Each time they get thrown, one of the characters tries to grab something in the room to hit the distracted monster with. This suspense strategy is about as effective as a 90 year old condom that has been used more often than an alter boy at confession.
Oh yeah...the villains...when they aren't warewolves...spend a long time talking and explaining things to the good guys when they can easily kill them, but don't. They also spend alot of time toying with the main characters and stare at them intently alot. The film was rated PG-13 and I can't tell you how many kids walked out the theater...whispered how stupid it was...and snuck into Hitch or the Winnie the Pooh movie.
Prophet's Rating: *
Hitch - Despite my misgivings about Will Smith (who I only really liked in Men in Black), this film is actually pretty ok. Hitch is a date doctor who helps guys wow the girls they like so that they can live healthy relationships to their fullest. Hitch gets the dice rolling, getting nervous guys get past the ackward begining phases of coupling. When trying to set a client up on a hot date with a celebrity, a journalist played by Eva Mendes (or Mendez) tries to get info out of Hitch, who she suspects knows about the media frenzied pair Hitch is setting up BUT she doesn't know he is the mysterious Date Doctor. The formula follows basic romantic comedy guidelines. The romantic hero, in this case Will Smith, will screw up dates with Mendez (or Mendes) in funny ways and the plot will promise that a second date will follow regardless of how badly he screws up. The comedy is there although most of the humorous stuff is spoiled by the advertisements you've all no doubt seen more often than you see your genitals. Smith and Mendez (or Mendes) don't really have chemistry as characters, but this film is more about laughs that the mushy crap. Though...there is plenty of that crap too.
Prophet's Rating: **1/2
Son of the Mask - Why make a sequel to a Jim Carry movie that only worked before because it starred Jim Carry, but you don't cast Jimy Carry for the sequel? It didn't work for Dumb and Dumberer and it doesn't work here. Jamie Kennedy was good in Scream because he portrayed every film geek out there with pin point precision and comic brilliance. But in this movie he bites it pretty hard. Look, even the original Mask was a pretty crappy movie despite Carry's natural cartoon character charm. Without him the idea goes nowhere. And I'm sick of how babies are portrayed in most movies, especially when they are cartoony. This brat is more annoying then that blonde haired blue eyed infant nazi in Meet the Fockers This movie came out too many years too late with a leading actor who is missing in action for the second round. And get this straight dammit, nobody...and I mean nobody...can replace Jim Carry in a sequel and expect even half the results.
Prophet's Rating: *1/2
Diary of a Mad Black Woman - I watched this one night in a theater PACKED and I mean PACKED with black people. They laughed at everything. EVERYTHING. I never felt so racially excluded in my entire life. I mean it.
This movie starts off about a woman who is cruelly treated by her Grade A dickhead husband and is kicked out of the house on their anniversity when the husband comes home with some slut gf he's been banging on the side and basically tells her it's over and he's punting her to the curb wearing nothing but the elegant dress she's got on. There's some real good acting in the begining of the movie, in fact it seems like its gonna turn into a pretty decent film about a woman regaining her life and all this starting over stuff...and it does...sorta...
But WTF? She goes to her Grandmother's porch in the ghetto and suddenly it's Big Momma's house. Tyler Perry, a dude, plays the role of the protagonist's foul mouth, gun wielding grandmother. Every sentence she utters resulted in a insane amount of laughter in the theater. But not everything she says is funny. And yeah, in another movie some stuff she does might be very comical...but the movie changes shifts so randomly that you totally don't buy what's supposed to be going on. It isn't like the whole movie is a comedy with bursts of drama to mediate the laughs, like normal movies do. This movie actually starts off as a serious drama and continues with scenes about real dramatic stuff and morals and things you'd find in an Alice Walker Novel...and then batshiit insane and LOUD black comedy infiltrates the screen. I've never felt so white in my life! I simply could not understand the reponse the theater was giving the movie. I looked across at this other guy, also white. We both made eye contact and shrugged at each other. It isn't like I'm suddenly immune to black humor. The funniest people in the world are black comedians. To test my theory that this may very well be the first racially divided movie I have ever seen, I conducted a Prophet survey at my job. I asked a ton of people, co-workers and normal people walking around in the theater lobby what they thought of the movie. Every single Black person liked it. Every single White person hated it. Every Latino person I saw said it was ok, but they snuck in halfway through anyway because Cursed sucked so bad. I didn't see any other races to exploit and categorize for a funny internet movie review that I'm not getting paid for. So yeah, this has gotta be the first movie I have EVER seen that I couldn't fully enjoy because I was too "white". I never thought this would happen to me. Only conservative snobs like my neighbors across the street should feel that way, not vulgar, crude mouthed film geeks such as myself.
Madea, Perry's character, interrupts the movie too much. She makes you smirk but I hope you'll agree with me that the real movie is smothered under her ambush tactic behavior.
Prophet's Rating: ** (Add a star if you are Black)
Constantine - I am the One. Hu-wah. And I will fight Satan. Keanu Reeves stars as what 90% of movie reviews in this country describe as a "chain smoking, suicidal hero who is dying of lung cancer". This movie is getting loads of bad reviews even though 9 out of every 10 people I talk to say "OMFG IT RULES!!"
In all Fairness, it's about in between. As I stated on a thread in Unreal Playground, parts of the movie I really liked and thought were cool and some parts I rolled my eyes. To look at the trailers you'd expect a movie carbon copied from the Matrix and probably directed by one of the WachKoskyOMGIHADASEXCHANGEOPERATIONLOLTHATEXPLAINSTRINITYLOL Bros. But it's actually directed by a music video director. Oh don't groan, this one is pretty good. The guy isn't a David Fincher or a Spyke Jonez, but at least he isn't Joeseph Kahn or one of the guys who made such atrocities against everything sacred and holy like Charlie's Angels 2 and Catwoman.
I'm one of the few people I know who actually likes Keanu Reeves. I don't care that he speaks with that surfer boy tone and has that stonger gaze. I don't even care about his performance in that Dracula movie. I think he's a fun guy to watch and Speed owns you!
Prophet's Rating: **1/2 (add half a star if you've never seen The Prophecy)
