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phil
30th Jul 2001, 07:52 AM
I'm very sad inside. What should I do?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 07:54 AM
Quit whining.

either deal with it, or kill yourself, and stop wasting my oxygen and fresh water.

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:06 AM
Dear CHRYSt,

Lately, I'm feeling the urge to eat human feces. I brought this subject up in a subtle way when talking to my friends, but they seem to be very much opposed to it.
Could you give me some advice?

Yours truly,
3s

Flare123
30th Jul 2001, 08:08 AM
Dr chryst I keep eating humans, espically there dicks :D

what should I do?

this is a joke by the way. eating humans is illegal in the united states...... I think.

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:11 AM
Originally posted by Flare123
...this is a joke by the way...
Stop ruining this thread. :tdown: This is a thread where we can discuss the problems we encounter in everyday life with dr. CHRYSt. Please only post serious problems here.
Making a joke out of it only offends the people that do want to discuss their problems seriously, like me.

Flare123
30th Jul 2001, 08:12 AM
lol shut up 3s :D

phil
30th Jul 2001, 08:13 AM
GOD flare some of US are ADULTS, if you can't act like one please dont post in this thread! :mad:

Flare123
30th Jul 2001, 08:14 AM
shut the **** up already, I know your making a god dam joke. you knew exactly what chryst would ****ing say so **** off. :mad:

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:16 AM
Making fun of other people's problems is NOT funny flare! I've reported your previous posts to the moderators. There. :tdown:

phil
30th Jul 2001, 08:16 AM
I DO NOT! DOCTOR CHRYST IS AN EXPERT! and you make fun of him. :mad:

IntRed
30th Jul 2001, 08:17 AM
:lol:
can't we all just get along

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:18 AM
There. Can we puh-leasssee get back on-topic now?? Thank you.

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:22 AM
Originally posted by 3s
Dear CHRYSt,

Lately, I'm feeling the urge to eat human feces. I brought this subject up in a subtle way when talking to my friends, but they seem to be very much opposed to it.
Could you give me some advice?

Yours truly,
3s
Hey, whatever floats your boat. Just don't go dipping in public toilets for a snack. Find yourself a nice burly guy who eats lots of tacos, and has a brown hanky in his back pocket. You'll be set for life.

Buscemi
30th Jul 2001, 08:22 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt, 3s keeps falling off his chair. Can't you help him, like give him a bigger ass?

Regards, Buscemi

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:25 AM
Originally posted by Flare123
Dr chryst I keep eating humans, espically there dicks :D

what should I do?

this is a joke by the way. eating humans is illegal in the united states...... I think.
I dont' actually believe this is a joke. What you're going to want to do is carefully elect your meals. The best way is to find some poor sap who offed themselves...that whiny bïtch in the other thread comes to mind...and eat their remains before the body is found.

As for the penis thing, I bet it actually would be a rather tasty peice of meat. You'll want to tenderize it first tho, as there's usually not much fat in them, and it might be pretty tough.

Human meat probably doesnt' taste very good in general tho, since most carnivores don't, and humans do consume a lot of meat.

The solution to that is to eat any vegan you find immediately.

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:25 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt
Hey, whatever floats your boat. Just don't go dipping in public toilets for a snack. Find yourself a nice burly guy who eats lots of tacos, and has a brown hanky in his back pocket. You'll be set for life.
Thanks for getting back with me this soon, Doctor. I'm not sure where to find this "nice burly guy who eats lots of tacos", you speak of. I don't show my face a lot in public. Is there an easy way to find someone like that?

Thanks in advance,
3s

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:26 AM
Originally posted by Buscemi
Dear Dr. CHRYSt, 3s keeps falling off his chair. Can't you help him, like give him a bigger ass?

Regards, Buscemi

The solution to this problem is simple:

http://www.duct-tape.com/

DeeperShade
30th Jul 2001, 08:26 AM
I see power struggles going on. Why are you all so angry? This is a thread for fun, not anger :)

phil
30th Jul 2001, 08:29 AM
Originally posted by DeeperShade
I see power struggles going on. Why are you all so angry? This is a thread for fun, not anger :)

ok ill say this one last time, THIS IS NOT A JOKE THREAD! :mad:

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:29 AM
Originally posted by 3s

Thanks for getting back with me this soon, Doctor. I'm not sure where to find this "nice burly guy who eats lots of tacos", you speak of. I don't show my face a lot in public. Is there an easy way to find someone like that?

Thanks in advance,
3s
Well, there's lots of good advice on things like this at www.sexuality.org. You might also find somehting useful at www.men.com. Also, give a look into http://www.sfpride.org/ if you're in the San Francisco area. I think they have a helpful forum as well.

DeeperShade
30th Jul 2001, 08:30 AM
Originally posted by war-ped


ok ill say this one last time, THIS IS NOT A JOKE THREAD! :mad:

Isnt it? It very much seems like it? Maybe im wrong.

Either way, is getting angry going to solve anything?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:31 AM
Originally posted by DeeperShade
I see power struggles going on. Why are you all so angry? This is a thread for fun, not anger :)
You're a sub There's nothing wrong with this, but one night, why not try the dominate role. Get on top, and you do the teasing/torturing/etc. You might find out something about yourself that you didnt' previously know. :)

Flare123
30th Jul 2001, 08:32 AM
Originally posted by DeeperShade
I see power struggles going on. Why are you all so angry? This is a thread for fun, not anger :)

im glad someone aggress with me.

and if this thread seriously isnt a joke, and I thought it was then you guys got some problems.

reason why I thought it was a joke was because you posted this wanting to see what CHRYSt would say to you, because he went down hard and flamed this one kid who had problems with his life. I figured you guys where trying to just get attention and make a big joke outta this.

DeeperShade
30th Jul 2001, 08:33 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt

You're a sub There's nothing wrong with this, but one night, why not try the dominate role. Get on top, and you do the teasing/torturing/etc. You might find out something about yourself that you didnt' previously know. :)

But am I a sub? Have i submitted here? I dont see it :)

I dont find this kind of humour very funny, but others do, so please dont try this with me :)

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:33 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt
The solution to this problem is simple:

http://www.duct-tape.com/
Wow! I didn't expect you would give the answers to my problems this quick. I immediately had my mom get a roll of that. It works fine!! I didn't fall off my chair anymore! I do have another problem now, though. I had to visit the toilet just 5 minutes ago, but since I was taped to my chair I couldn't move.
The odor makes me sick. How do I get rid of this nasty scent?
I really hope you come with a solution quick, because I'll probably throw up if I can't get rid of this stench fast.

Yours truly,
3s

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:35 AM
Originally posted by DeeperShade


But am I a sub? Have i submitted here? I dont see it :)

I dont find this kind of humour very funny, but others do, so please dont try this with me :)
that's the spirit, take control. Do you feel better? If not, then Domination isn't for you. It's ok. Thst's why there are doms and subs...the differences make life fun.

If you still feel like crap, you could always drink some tasty engine coolant.

DeeperShade
30th Jul 2001, 08:37 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt

that's the spirit, take control. Do you feel better? If not, then Domination isn't for you. It's ok. Thst's why there are doms and subs...the differences make life fun.

If you still feel like crap, you could always drink some tasty engine coolant.

My post was hardly dominating nor submitting. Just advicery and a request.

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:38 AM
Originally posted by 3s

Wow! I didn't expect you would give the answers to my problems this quick. I immediately had my mom get a roll of that. It works fine!! I didn't fall off my chair anymore! I do have another problem now, though. I had to visit the toilet just 5 minutes ago, but since I was taped to my chair I couldn't move.
The odor makes me sick. How do I get rid of this nasty scent?
I really hope you come with a solution quick, because I'll probably throw up if I can't get rid of this stench fast.

Yours truly,
3s
Well, this one is simple too:
http://www.wd-40.com/ will get you off your chair. As for cleanup, use a water/ammonia mixture. one part ammonia to 5 parts water should do it. I'd recommend bleach, but chances are that your chair would be ruined.

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:43 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt

Well, there's lots of good advice on things like this at www.sexuality.org. You might also find somehting useful at www.men.com. Also, give a look into http://www.sfpride.org/ if you're in the San Francisco area. I think they have a helpful forum as well.
Hello Doctor,

Just a short note to keep you updated on my improvement. I found the cutest guy in Seattle! He's 7" and 264 lbs, so I guess you could call him burly ;). He invited me to join one of his parties in the Seattle Bathhouse "Basic Plumbing (1505 10th Ave)". I will go and visit him soon. I can hardly wait! :)
Thanks for making my life worthwhile again!

Yours truly,
3s

_Zd_3s_
30th Jul 2001, 08:50 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt
Well, this one is simple too:
http://www.wd-40.com/ will get you off your chair. As for cleanup, use a water/ammonia mixture. one part ammonia to 5 parts water should do it. I'd recommend bleach, but chances are that your chair would be ruined.
Hello Doctor,
I told my mom to get some right away and she did, but she got really angry when she saw me tied to my chair, covered with WD-40® and bathing in my own dung. She says I have changed since I've been writing with you. But, thanks to you, I feel finally alive. I am so grateful for everything you did for me. I even dared to stand up and yell "Fùck you!" in her face. You are my redeemer!!

Forever yours,
3s

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:54 AM
Originally posted by 3s

<snip> I even dared to stand up and yell "Fùck you!" in her face. You are my redeemer!!

Forever yours,
3s
Yes, remember everyone, yelling "fück you" at whatever authority figure is within earshot can do wonders for your personal morale, and will generally make you feel just spiffy.

IntRed
30th Jul 2001, 08:56 AM
so doc, what kind of documents do you have to prove you'r a doc, what school did you go to, and how long did you studied to find that duck tape was the solution to falling of chairs?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 08:58 AM
Originally posted by TTRStryker8
so doc, what kind of documents do you have to prove you'r a doc, what school did you go to, and how long did you studied to find that duck tape was the solution to falling of chairs?
Jesus said:
"Blessed is he who believes without seeing."

D66
30th Jul 2001, 09:35 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

I know a rich person who thinks of me as their best friend. I find this person VERY irratating in that his Ego is large and he never lets anyone forget how rich he is. He calls me to go "hang out" almost every day and I am running out of excuses. I have seen him real ****-up the lives of people who have crossed him in the past, so I dont really know how to get rid of him safely. What should I do?

Mute
30th Jul 2001, 09:48 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt

The solution to that is to eat any vegan you find immediately.

/mute looks for cover

[RSU]Porn_Star|BuF
30th Jul 2001, 09:53 AM
Dear Dr CHRYSt

The women still doesn't want me. They say it's because I talk about mungings, Hot Carls and pee-parties all the time when I drink. Because you made me start doing this, you better have a cure.

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 10:13 AM
Originally posted by D66
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

I know a rich person who thinks of me as their best friend. I find this person VERY irratating in that his Ego is large and he never lets anyone forget how rich he is. He calls me to go "hang out" almost every day and I am running out of excuses. I have seen him real ****-up the lives of people who have crossed him in the past, so I dont really know how to get rid of him safely. What should I do?
This is a situation that must be handled carefully.
The first and most obvious, is the Final Solution®.
A bullet through the back of the head, and his house burned to the ground.

Other solutions require a bit more cunning. Try hitting on him. Rich men are usually rather homophobic. He'll get scared off and stop calling you.
If not, and he's into it, then for the price of a little anal invasion, you can share his wealth.
Or start playing up your apparent poorness. When he says "Look at all my money" respond with "Yeah well, I'm so poor that my last meal was a pile of feces left by a bum in the gutter!"
That'll show him who's really got thee better life.

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 10:15 AM
Originally posted by [PuF]Porn_Star
Dear Dr CHRYSt

The women still doesn't want me. They say it's because I talk about mungings, Hot Carls and pee-parties all the time when I drink. Because you made me start doing this, you better have a cure.
Girls are very finicky creatures. I have exactly one peice of advice:
Girls are clunky.

Take it as you will. Just remember, that you're only alive in order to breed. If you can't reproduce, then please, Naturally select yourself.

PsychoMoggieBagpuss
30th Jul 2001, 10:34 AM
Hi Dr. CHRYSt,

I have a problem. Every time I'm having sex I have to start thinking of handicapped midgets in purple-polka dotted spandex bouncing on a trampoline b4 I can finish.
Is there any hope for me?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 10:37 AM
Originally posted by PsychoMoggieBagpuss|PuF
Hi Dr. CHRYSt,

I have a problem. Every time I'm having sex I have to start thinking of handicapped midgets in purple-polka dotted spandex bouncing on a trampoline b4 I can finish.
Is there any hope for me?
No. there is not. You'll never get it.
Every red-blooded male wants nothing more than a capper in his bed. None of us ever get it thanks to the bleeding heart hippies who can't keep their mouths shut.

Tho in heaven, all the hot chicks are paraplegic midgets, so go ahead and join the Choir Invisible. You'll see.

BZMew2|PuF
30th Jul 2001, 11:01 AM
Dr. Chryst: will you help me with my problem? You see, I cannot fit my... err, wang in "ordinary pants" because of the way I'm... endowed? Where can I find pants big enough for my large, manly wang?

;) :) :D :y5: http://www22.brinkster.com/bzmew2/notreproduce.png

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 11:12 AM
Originally posted by BZMew2|PuF
Dr. Chryst: will you help me with my problem? You see, I cannot fit my... err, wang in "ordinary pants" because of the way I'm... endowed? Where can I find pants big enough for my large, manly wang?

;) :) :D :y5: http://www22.brinkster.com/bzmew2/notreproduce.png
This problem has plagued many a man over the course of history. Certain nobles and lords in mideval times would use a method similar to Japanese foot bindings to alleviate this problem. It consisted of a hollow steel tube with a rounded cap on the end, attached to a belt similar to today's strap on dildo's.
Unfortunately, this has been found to have certain medical side effects, and is considered unwise.
Another more modern method is to employ the reverse of the famed "Swedish suction pump." By encasing your penis in a highly pressurised environment, it will cause the cells to shrink, and possibly break, resulting in a smaller Johnson.
Some people, finding most current surgical and home remedies to be too intrusive or cumbersome have simply decided to stop wearing pants.
If you work in a place where a lack of pants would be in-appropriate, then bring a doctor's note with an explanation on your first day of not wearing pants. They won't be able to discriminate against your embarrassing medical condition, and you'll be much more comfortable and productive.

You may find further information here: http://www.penilefitness.com/penilefitness/

Cap'n Beeb
30th Jul 2001, 11:50 AM
Dr. Chryst, I have the sudden urge to let all the voices out of my head, yes, all 9 of them, to go and wreck havoc amongst the population. But two of 'em sleep alot, I need a way to motivate the lazy f00s!

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 11:53 AM
Originally posted by beerbaron
Dr. Chryst, I have the sudden urge to let all the voices out of my head, yes, all 9 of them, to go and wreck havoc amongst the population. But two of 'em sleep alot, I need a way to motivate the lazy f00s!
What you need are fresh bodies to put the voices in. Try reading H.P. Lovecraft's Reanimator for an idea of just how fresh is necessary.
Once the bodies are loaded with the new voices, you can get the lazy ones motivated with a hot poker or a cattle prod.

Mute
30th Jul 2001, 01:18 PM
Dear doctor,
I can't seem to stop yelling "I've got the music in me", and "whop whop scoop how ya doing?" and "sandwich!!!" at random intervals. I know i shouldn't, but something carries me away. My officemate at work now has a hunted look and has erected a wall of empty computer boxes between us. What am I to do before I drive him away completely?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 01:19 PM
Originally posted by mute
Dear CHRYSt,
Yes. Yes indeed.
Now go stick that fork in that toaster, and you will be healed.

Mute
30th Jul 2001, 01:21 PM
Originally posted by CHRYSt

Yes. Yes indeed.
Now go stick that fork in that toaster, and you will be healed.

I also have this stuttering problem and ADD obviously :).

8-4-7-2
30th Jul 2001, 01:27 PM
Dear Dr. Chryst,

I was invited to a party and want to get drunk and laid. How shall I proceed so that the first doesn't exclude the latter?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 01:36 PM
Originally posted by 8-4-7-2
Dear Dr. Chryst,

I was invited to a party and want to get drunk and laid. How shall I proceed so that the first doesn't exclude the latter?
I think you have a more pressing matter at hand:
Making sure that you don't go home with a Coyote due to your drunkenness.
You see, when you are drunk, you don't mind so much that the chick you're hitting on is 5'2, 286 lbs, and has an adam's apple. If you manage to bed one of these women, you will never live down your friends recalling the story of when you went home with the "rhino girl." And heaven forbid you get her pregnant. You'll need to use 2, possibly 3 bullets to undo that mistake.

I think the best thing to do would be to work on deciphering the hotties from the uglies and your ability to choose the correct one.

The best way to handle both of your problems (both getting some, and getting some from a not-hosebeast) is to have backup watching to swoop in with a rescue if you
a) hit on an ugly chick
b) start to make an ass of yourself with a hot chick.

Just make sure this friend can be trusted. Many a good relationship has been ruined because the backup turned a double-cross for amusement's sake.

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 01:37 PM
Originally posted by mute


I also have this stuttering problem and ADD obviously :).
Fork + toaster = cured stutter
For the ADD, you might want to be standing in a bathtub filled with warm salt water

BZMew2|PuF
30th Jul 2001, 01:45 PM
Hehe, the admins favor your threads doctor chryst :). Your thread is now stickied for all to see!

Kilham
30th Jul 2001, 04:53 PM
Dear CHRYSt I can't believe I just typed that.

http://www.clanrsu.couk.com/kilham/wang.jpg

My WANG is 8 inches long but it's just not as seksi as yours. What can I do with it?.

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 05:52 PM
Originally posted by Kilham
Dear CHRYSt I can't believe I just typed that.



http://www.clanrsu.couk.com/kilham/wang.jpg



My WANG is 8 inches long but it's just not as seksi as yours. What can I do with it?.
This question comes up a lot. Just remember, it's not the size of the wang, it's now many ports you probe with it.

Flare123
30th Jul 2001, 05:56 PM
http://www.furnitureporn.com :D

The_Shadow_Knows
30th Jul 2001, 06:47 PM
Dear Dr CHRYSt, I seem to have fantasys about my animated dancing girl to the point i wish I was animated is that wrong of me to have a lust for her like a raging savage in heat?

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 07:03 PM
Originally posted by The_Shadow_Knows
Dear Dr CHRYSt, I seem to have fantasys about my animated dancing girl to the point i wish I was animated is that wrong of me to have a lust for her like a raging savage in heat?
This is a perfect example of a point at which you should tell your friends to f0ck off. it's none of their business who you b0ink. I've personally had a crush on Sodypop (http://www.spumco.com/entertainment/sody/sody01.html) for years. you know I'd do her if I could.
Don't be afraid of your feelings, rather just embrace them.
Otherwise, shut the hell up and wrap your lips around a nice cool 9mm barrel.

The_Shadow_Knows
30th Jul 2001, 07:13 PM
Thank you thank you I feel so muched relief :)

thewalkingman
30th Jul 2001, 07:43 PM
Seldom does an event take place which is such an outrage that the silent majority stands up and demands action. But the silent majority is currently demanding that something be done about Dr. CHRYSt. To get right down to it, if, five years ago, I had described a person like Dr. CHRYSt to you and told you that in five years, he'd attack the critical realism and impassive objectivity that are the central epistemological foundations of the scientific worldview, you'd have thought me insecure. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how life isn't fair. We've all known this since the beginning of time, so why is he so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? The only clear answer to emerge from the conflicting, contradictory stances that he and his death squads take is that he displays the paranoid malice that is the hallmark of true terrorism. All such combinations of audacity with ignorance would be supremely ridiculous but for one consideration: There are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent he has tried to set up dissident groups and individuals for conspiracy charges and then carry out searches and seizures on flimsy pretexts. The other is whether or not this is not the place to develop that subject. It demands many pages of analysis, which I can't spare in this letter. Instead, I'll just state the key point, which is that it would be wrong to imply that Dr. CHRYSt is involved in some kind of conspiracy to ridicule, parody, censor, and downgrade opposing ideas. It would be wrong because his vituperations are far beyond the conspiracy stage. Not only that, but he is extraordinarily brazen. We've all known that for a long time. However, Dr. CHRYSt's willingness to flout all of society's rules sets a new record for brazenness.

Anyone who takes even a cursory glance at this letter will quickly discover that Dr. CHRYSt spouts the same bile in everything he writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue he's excited about this week is incendiarism, which says to me that the central paradox of his perversions, the twist that makes his accusations so irresistible to the worst sorts of disrespectful, disagreeable swindlers I've ever seen, is that these people truly believe that he is beyond reproach. An inner voice tells me that his premise (that loathsome schemers are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive) is his morality disguised as pretended neutrality. Dr. CHRYSt uses this disguised morality to support his tricks, thereby making his argument self-refuting. While intellectually stultified slumlords claim to defend traditional values, they actually bask in the rancorous shine of fogyism. Plan to join his camp? Be sure to check your conscience at the door. However stupid the national picture already is, there are some sick Philistines who are callow. There are also some who are incorrigible. Which category does Dr. CHRYSt fall into? If the question overwhelms you, I suggest you check "both".

I have no problem with the manifestly obvious statement that he should just quit whining about everything. I have no problem with the idea that he is capable of going berserk without notice. And I have no problem with the special privileges occasionally granted to spineless derelicts. What I do have a problem with are his uncivilized holier-than-thou attitudes. Given a choice of having him violate his pledge not to utilize questionable and illegal fund-raising techniques or having my bicuspids extracted sans Novocaine, I would embrace the pliers, purchase some Polident Partials, and call it a day. To borrow the immortal words of a certain, well-known authority figure, "Dr. CHRYSt has yet to acknowledge this." The original purpose of paternalism was to provide presumptuous conspiracies with the necessary asylum to take root and spread. Never forget that and never let Dr. CHRYSt poke someone's eyes out

The_Shadow_Knows
30th Jul 2001, 07:48 PM
This just wants to make me dance i don't know why but it does:)

CHRYSt
30th Jul 2001, 10:50 PM
Originally posted by thewalkingman
Seldom does an event take place which is such an outrage that the silent majority stands up and demands action. But the silent majority is currently demanding that something be done about Dr. CHRYSt. To get right down to it, if, five years ago, I had described a person like Dr. CHRYSt to you and told you that in five years, he'd attack the critical realism and impassive objectivity that are the central epistemological foundations of the scientific worldview, you'd have thought me insecure. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how life isn't fair. We've all known this since the beginning of time, so why is he so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? The only clear answer to emerge from the conflicting, contradictory stanblah blah blah

Where'd ya cut n' paste that from?

thewalkingman
30th Jul 2001, 11:35 PM
lol


what no advice?



the Dr. cant take a little abuse?




http://www-csag.cs.uiuc.edu/individual/pakin/complaint

Buscemi
31st Jul 2001, 02:37 AM
Originally posted by CHRYSt


Where'd ya cut n' paste that from?

Wouldn't surprise me if he copyed that from Alex Chiu's Immortality Rings site...............

Dragonfly_of_Forgery
31st Jul 2001, 05:56 AM
Dear Doctor CHRYSt,

There's this person on a forum which I go to often and I don't really like him. I keep getting an unnatural and impractical urge to kill him.

I doubt I stand a chance against the guy at the moment, so I was wondering if you could give me any advice about getting him.

If I wanted to kill... for arguments sake, lets say it was you... how would I go about it?

8-4-7-2
31st Jul 2001, 06:27 AM
From the first line I knew it was the auto complaint generator :)

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 08:18 AM
Originally posted by thewalkingman
what no advice?
the Dr. cant take a little abuse?
You didn't ask a question, stupid. ;)
Originally posted by Dragonfly_of_Forgery
Dear Doctor CHRYSt,

There's this person on a forum which I go to often and I don't really like him. I keep getting an unnatural and impractical urge to kill him.

I doubt I stand a chance against the guy at the moment, so I was wondering if you could give me any advice about getting him.

If I wanted to kill... for arguments sake, lets say it was you... how would I go about it?
Well, I can't be killed by anything that a sub 14th dimentional aware human would understand. Gleeptoidians have no actual "lifespan" to speak of, since "life" is not really something we deal with very often.

As for this "hypothetical" person on this forum you speak of, it's not very hard. All it takes is a bullet to the back of the brain, some intake of a volatile chemical, falling on their own knife, something to that effect.

I think the real question here is why you want to kill someone in the first place. It's understandable that you would have some animosity towards certain members of these forums. Many of us weren't very sympathetic when you were whining like a little bïtch with a skinned knee yesterday. But you were given some of the best advice you could ever get: Put a bullet inside yourself.
I think the root of your question is "Why am I such a little bïtch?" Well, the answer is simple. Because you have to go fishing for sympathy. That makes you a bïtch.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to go find yourself a nice street gang and call their moms a bunch of hos. I'll even come and help afterwards by burning your house to the ground, thereby leaving no trace of your whiny existence.

:D

PsychoMoggieBagpuss
31st Jul 2001, 08:21 AM
Don't forget to salt the ground

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 08:26 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

My life sucks. I hate and I want to end it. but my problem is, is that I cant get ahold of a weapon or other object to kill myself and my parents have locked me up in my room with just a computer. How am I gonna go about killing myself? please help me.

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 08:33 AM
Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

My life sucks. I hate and I want to end it. but my problem is, is that I cant get ahold of a weapon or other object to kill myself and my parents have locked me up in my room with just a computer. How am I gonna go about killing myself? please help me.
Be Creative man! That computer is full of sharp edges and blunt heavy things! Not to mention electricity!
I bet your case is full of wrist slashing goodness. Or you could break the monitor and use the glass. Take that network cable, strip the ends, attach the wires to your nipples, and go for the power outlet!
Hell, if it's an I-mac with no sharp edges or anything, you'd still be able to drop it on your head.

Just look around and think what I do when I am in a confusing situation such as this:

WWMD What Would McGuyver Do?

The_Inflictor
31st Jul 2001, 08:40 AM
Dear Dr CHRYSt,

You make me want to be a better person. How can I become a better person?


Peace & love,

Flicky-p00

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 09:21 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

It didnt work, im not dead yet, infact im bleeding to death and been bleeding for sometime now, and I cant seem to get myself to die. what should I do?

ooh wait... im seeing a bright light now. im coming to you my pet hamster that died so long ago!!!! :D

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 09:33 AM
Originally posted by The_Inflictor
Dear Dr CHRYSt,

You make me want to be a better person. How can I become a better person?


Peace & love,

Flicky-p00
Instructions:
1. Bullet to the back of the head
2. House burned to the ground.
Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

It didnt work, im not dead yet, infact im bleeding to death and been bleeding for sometime now, and I cant seem to get myself to die. what should I do?

ooh wait... im seeing a bright light now. im coming to you my pet hamster that died so long ago!!!! :D
Just keep bleeding, it'll come. If you're still seeing light, you're not dead yet. Do it again.

thewalkingman
31st Jul 2001, 09:46 AM
You didn't ask a question, stupid


the Dr. cant take a little abuse?

?--question


:D

[RSU]Porn_Star|BuF
31st Jul 2001, 10:11 AM
Dear Dr CHRYSt

As thewalkingman is clearly missing a brain, I have to ask you this for him: How much would it cost to insert a brand new monkey-brain into his empty skull? Could you give him a discount for old times sake?

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 10:41 AM
Originally posted by thewalkingman

?--question

:D
Sigh, the original post wasn't a question, stupid.
Originally posted by [PuF]Porn_Star
Dear Dr CHRYSt

As thewalkingman is clearly missing a brain, I have to ask you this for him: How much would it cost to insert a brand new monkey-brain into his empty skull? Could you give him a discount for old times sake?
Dear god man, Don't you realize how valuable monkey brains are? You can't just go putting them in the heads of any twit walking down the street! Monkey brains are the key to world domination, or my name isn't Johann Ziefburg the 12th.
Now, what to do instead? Well, a brain substitute will serve just fine.
In this case, I would substitute a brain for a bullet.

In other cases, I would use things like Cracker Jack, scrap metal, boiled football leather, or Twinkies.

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 10:44 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

I want to have another head and 3 more arms on me. are you a surgeon? I was hoping you would be able to do it because no other doctor will. and in my second head do you think you can put a fish brain in there or something? Thanks in advance.

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 11:05 AM
Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Dr. CHRYSt

I want to have another head and 3 more arms on me. are you a surgeon? I was hoping you would be able to do it because no other doctor will. and in my second head do you think you can put a fish brain in there or something? Thanks in advance.
Perhaps you'd like a few more nipples as well?
There's enough ugly retards in this world without me adding you to the list.
Perhaps you should just step in front of a train. Maybe you'll be re-incarnated as something you like better.

thewalkingman
31st Jul 2001, 11:06 AM
Sigh, the original post wasn't a question, stupid.

You just cant get good healthcare theses days...:rolleyes:

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00004RJ73.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 11:07 AM
Originally posted by thewalkingman

You just cant get good healthcare theses days...:rolleyes:

hey, if you don't like it, go bitch at your HMO. Better yet, bitch with a Glock 9mm.
HMO's suck.

thewalkingman
31st Jul 2001, 11:19 AM
\supports the Democrat's version of Paitence Bill of Rights.

I 'll sue their(HMO and doctors) asses to bankruptcy:D

Harlock
31st Jul 2001, 11:32 AM
I really enjoy spending "quality time" with my fiancee. Unfortunatly, I work for 10 hours a day, and am on the road for 2 hours. She sits at home all by herself for that time with nothing to do. I would bring her to work, but I'm sure management doesn't want that kind of mess on their hands. I would stay home, but then I make no money.

So... do I make money, or spend "quality time" with my fiancee?

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 11:54 AM
Originally posted by Matsumoto
I really enjoy spending "quality time" with my fiancee. Unfortunatly, I work for 10 hours a day, and am on the road for 2 hours. She sits at home all by herself for that time with nothing to do. I would bring her to work, but I'm sure management doesn't want that kind of mess on their hands. I would stay home, but then I make no money.

So... do I make money, or spend "quality time" with my fiancee?
I actually have a similar problem. The way I worked it out wasn't too hard.
I left the little lady at home with pics of me and an 8" rubber dong. Tht keeps her happy until I get home. Then we spend the weekends together for real.

Unfortunately, in today's world work schedules leave little time to foster a healthy, loving relationship. But with proper planning, and the use of Netmeeting, butt plugs, porn, and dildos, things can work out OK. You just need patience.

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 11:56 AM
Doctor CHRYSt

can you at least give me a extra penis? put it on my forhead or something :D

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 12:01 PM
Originally posted by Flare123
Doctor CHRYSt

can you at least give me a extra penis? put it on my forhead or something :D No, What I can do is remove your penis. I can then give it to you with a bit of adhesive backing on it so that you can re-attach it anywhere that you'd like.

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 12:03 PM
ok cool thanks man you rule!!!

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 12:17 PM
ok I got another question

where can I buy me a whore? can I buy your chryst?

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 12:24 PM
Originally posted by Flare123
ok I got another question

where can I buy me a whore? can I buy your chryst?
My CHRYSt costs more than you could ever afford.
Try Grace Street in Richmond

LOL_GUY
31st Jul 2001, 12:31 PM
LOL :lol:

phil
31st Jul 2001, 12:43 PM
hey chryst as I live in richmond I realy must say that the best transvestite hookers are on broadstreet......

thewalkingman
31st Jul 2001, 12:56 PM
You inmates keep listen to Dr.Chryst:D

We all know what will happen when she gets done with him:D


http://www.uwstout.edu/solutions/bgclinic/images/nurse-ratchet1.jpg

Syri
31st Jul 2001, 01:45 PM
I keep playing UT instead of going and meeting girls. i want to meet a nice girl, but i'm too nervous. Is there any hope for me?

Sir Robin
31st Jul 2001, 01:45 PM
Dear Dr. Chryst,

It appears that a couple of branches on my family tree have become badly infected the dreaded white trash fungus. Since there is no known cure for this, I thought that I would do a little pruning on the ole family tree, if you know what I mean. However, it has come to my attention that some shortsighted lawmakers in my state have made it illegal for me to give natural selection a little helping hand. I've tried leaving sharp objects and poisons laying around them in hopes that they would just take themselves out of the gene pool, but so far they've only managed to cause minor injuries. Can you help?

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 01:52 PM
Originally posted by D-Stroya
I keep playing UT instead of going and meeting girls. i want to meet a nice girl, but i'm too nervous. Is there any hope for me?
None whatsoever. And since there's not, you're not breeding, which is not helping to propagate my species, which means you're wasting my resources. Please place your head into the nearest wood chipper.
Originally posted by Sir Robin
Dear Dr. Chryst,

It appears that a couple of branches on my family tree have become badly infected the dreaded white trash fungus. Since there is no known cure for this, I thought that I would do a little pruning on the ole family tree, if you know what I mean. However, it has come to my attention that some shortsighted lawmakers in my state have made it illegal for me to give natural selection a little helping hand. I've tried leaving sharp objects and poisons laying around them in hopes that they would just take themselves out of the gene pool, but so far they've only managed to cause minor injuries. Can you help?
Yes. You see, you are also infected with this fungus. Therefore, you can feel free to take any measures necessary in removing infected members of your family. You will then use similar, or at least just as effective methods to remove yourself from my gene pool.
If you don't manage to "cure" yourself, then the state will do it for you once they are alerted to the laws you've broken.

Red Oozing Anus
31st Jul 2001, 02:04 PM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoy reading your column and can't wait until your radio show reaches us here in Idaho.

Now for my problem. I believe I have made a terrible mistake.

I am an avid fan of peehole widening. Two weeks ago I inserted two 1/2”galvanized lag bolts and all felt fine. About 3 days later I began to experience an intense burning sensation when urinating. I decided to remove them but they would not come out. I tried pulling and unscrewing, using many different forms of lubrication including KY, WD-40, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and porcine love drippings. In a last ditch effort, I tied them off to a doorknob and slammed the door shut.

The doorknob broke off and shattered. Now what should I use for my ongoing anal widening project???

Thank you,

ROA

Sir Robin
31st Jul 2001, 02:14 PM
Dang! I was afraid that I might be infected too. Well, thanks Dr. Chryst. I reckon 500 pounds of napalm ought to cure things.

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 03:18 PM
Originally posted by Red Oozing Anus
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoy reading your column and can't wait until your radio show reaches us here in Idaho.

Now for my problem. I believe I have made a terrible mistake.

I am an avid fan of peehole widening. Two weeks ago I inserted two 1/2”galvanized lag bolts and all felt fine. About 3 days later I began to experience an intense burning sensation when urinating. I decided to remove them but they would not come out. I tried pulling and unscrewing, using many different forms of lubrication including KY, WD-40, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and porcine love drippings. In a last ditch effort, I tied them off to a doorknob and slammed the door shut.

The doorknob broke off and shattered. Now what should I use for my ongoing anal widening project???

Thank you,

ROA
Are you widening your pee hole, or your anus? You mentioned both.

First, please don't be embarrassed of this. Pee-hole widening is a very common, albeit taboo practice. And this is a common problem. What happens is this:
The linung in your urethra is rather delicate. If you insert something that's too rough or wide, you'll cause tears and bleeding. These can cause painful urination, and will cause the object to stick.
You should have started with a drywall screw, then tried to fit another. Then move up to larget fasteners, with lag bolts being farther on.

There are a few solutions to your problem.
1. Have you tried Liquid Wrench® and an impact drill?
2. You could cut your penis lengthwise, and peel it away from the lag bolt. Then close it with Super Glue. Make sure you don't do any widening till that cut heals!
3. Query the local bums to find a hooker who can "suck a golf ball thru a garden hose" and see if she can remove it.
4. If none of the above procedures work, You will have to simply remove the entire penis.

This procedure will cause you to become a waste of flesh, and you should just kil yourself if it's deemed that this is necessary. If you can't or just shouldn't reproduce, you should simply shuffle yourself off this mortal coil.

pine
31st Jul 2001, 06:26 PM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

My dog stinks. I mean, she stinks ALL the damn time. Whenever we try to wash her, she just goes and finds the ripest deer carcass available to roll in (I live in the woods). One time my dad buried a large salmon that had gone rotten in our freezer in the backyard, in a hole about four feet deep. Our dog dug it up and rolled in its maggoty goodness.

Is there any way to instill a sense of cleanliness in this dog? Or perhaps some greater intelligence that would enable her to unravel the connection between smelling like week-old rotten ass and not being let in the house (ever)?

P.S. - Despite slight circumstantial evidence to the contrary, I do not suffer from the White Trash fungus. So don't advise me to kill myself please.

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 06:31 PM
Dear Doctor chryst

I just accidently killed a monkey :(

what should I do?

something that doesnt invole me killing myself please.

CHRYSt
31st Jul 2001, 07:20 PM
Originally posted by Pineconeboy
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,



My dog stinks. I mean, she stinks ALL the damn time. Whenever we try to wash her, she just goes and finds the ripest deer carcass available to roll in (I live in the woods). One time my dad buried a large salmon that had gone rotten in our freezer in the backyard, in a hole about four feet deep. Our dog dug it up and rolled in its maggoty goodness.



Is there any way to instill a sense of cleanliness in this dog? Or perhaps some greater intelligence that would enable her to unravel the connection between smelling like week-old rotten ass and not being let in the house (ever)?



P.S. - Despite slight circumstantial evidence to the contrary, I do not suffer from the White Trash fungus. So don't advise me to kill myself please.
White trash fungus or no, you still can't take care of a dog properly. If you can't take care of a dog, then you should go make out with the business end of a shotgun.

But maybe you just don't know how to take care of this dog. Well, it's simple. If things like training and discipline don't work, you could invest in about 3cc's of a strong barbiturate. The particular one I'm talking about currently is affecionately known as "Pink Juice." Ask your local veterinarian.

Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Doctor chryst



I just accidently killed a monkey :(



what should I do?



something that doesnt invole me killing myself please.
If you killed a monkey, you must eat it. You must not throw away or waste any part of that monkey. If you can't eat a certain part of it, or use it for tools or clothing, then you should have sex with it.

If you leave any part of a dead monkey unused, you deserve no less than death by a pack of enraged bull dykes armed with 14" black rubber cocks.

Flare123
31st Jul 2001, 07:33 PM
ok thanks for your advice. I ****ed the dead monkey then I ate the whole thing and made a statue outta the bones.

ZenPirate
31st Jul 2001, 07:34 PM
Yo Doc!
Please help!How the hell can I get the voices in my head to like me??I mean,they are always sooo damn negative.Always spouting off 'bout,"Ooo,she's a lovely,isn't she" or..."why not grab an axe,and end this conversation now"..or the more mundane,"Shut up and grab the cat and the instant jello"..What am I to do?Why can't we all just get along? shut up you m0!!
I will not.this guy can help us No,he can't ...here kitty,kitty...

anterobs
31st Jul 2001, 07:46 PM
Dear Doctor chryst,

I've been feeling strange lately. I feel like spamming all the forums around the world, and I have nightmares with the word p0stc0un+. Once I dreamt with Boom reseting my p0stc0un+. :(

And people told me I'm going to die because I'm a primitive fish, and can't surivive to natural selection.

I wanto to go back to my normal state. What do you think I should do? :(

LadyDeathwish
31st Jul 2001, 09:38 PM
... I can never sleep at night like normal people. I get 4-6 hours of sleep every day. What should I do?

Thanks in advance,
LadyDeathwish

Kray
1st Aug 2001, 02:49 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

I am planning to take over the world and make everybody my slave and do all my bidding. But I don't have an army, and I don't have any money to pay for an army. In addition to that, I'm too nice a person to make other people do stuff agaisn't their wishes. What should I do? I still want to take over the world.

CHRYSt
1st Aug 2001, 09:04 AM
Well, you guys were certainly busy last night! Let's go ahead and see what we can do.

Originally posted by ZenPirate
Yo Doc!
Please help!How the hell can I get the voices in my head to like me??I mean,they are always sooo damn negative.Always spouting off 'bout,"Ooo,she's a lovely,isn't she" or..."why not grab an axe,and end this conversation now"..or the more mundane,"Shut up and grab the cat and the instant jello"..What am I to do?Why can't we all just get along? shut up you m0!!
I will not.this guy can help us No,he can't ...here kitty,kitty...
Have you tried asking the voices why they don't like you? Perhaps you should take a moment to look at yourself from their point of view. You may just realize that you want to kill yourself as badly as they want you too.
And leave the cat alone. Jello has better purposes.
Originally posted by anterobs
Dear Doctor chryst,

I've been feeling strange lately. I feel like spamming all the forums around the world, and I have nightmares with the word p0stc0un+. Once I dreamt with Boom reseting my p0stc0un+. :(

And people told me I'm going to die because I'm a primitive fish, and can't surivive to natural selection.

I wanto to go back to my normal state. What do you think I should do? :(
Don't spam. Go find a whore instead. www.nvbrothels.com. That might take your mind off that stupid number. If not, well...there's always a way out.
Originally posted by LadyDeathwish
... I can never sleep at night like normal people. I get 4-6 hours of sleep every day. What should I do?

Thanks in advance,
LadyDeathwish
What you need is a good deep dickin'. Find yourself a large burly guy with a good reputation for umm..stamina...and spread your legs. Give him about 15-45 minutes to do his thing, and you'll be out like a light.
Originally posted by Kray
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

I am planning to take over the world and make everybody my slave and do all my bidding. But I don't have an army, and I don't have any money to pay for an army. In addition to that, I'm too nice a person to make other people do stuff agaisn't their wishes. What should I do? I still want to take over the world.
Your desire to take over the world puts you in direct opposition to me. An army of trained monkeys armed with pointed sticks will arrive at your home shortly.
You may however, wish to have a look here. (http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) It may give you some pointers should I decide to forego my plans.

Flare123
1st Aug 2001, 09:23 AM
Dear Doctor chryst,

I really like the infomation you give people, you seem to know everything, you should run for god.

anyways onto my question. My 2 monkeys are having sex with each other, and spanking each other as well. This wouldnt be a problem, but the 2 monkeys are males. There screwing each other up the ass. I try to seperate them. But when I do they get all pissed off and angry and try to kill me. what should I do about it? 2 male monkeys arent suppose to **** each other. I also tried letting them roam free for a week out in the wild, but they stay together and still **** each other. help me please I dont know what to do about my 2 gay monkeys. :(

CHRYSt
1st Aug 2001, 09:44 AM
Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Doctor chryst,

I really like the infomation you give people, you seem to know everything, you should run for god.

Thanks for your support. The campaign is already underway.

anyways onto my question. My 2 monkeys are having sex with each other, and spanking each other as well. This wouldnt be a problem, but the 2 monkeys are males. There screwing each other up the ass. I try to seperate them. But when I do they get all pissed off and angry and try to kill me. what should I do about it? 2 male monkeys arent suppose to **** each other. I also tried letting them roam free for a week out in the wild, but they stay together and still **** each other. help me please I dont know what to do about my 2 gay monkeys. :(
Who the hell do you think you are? If those monkeys want to be gay, let them be gay. Just because you don't like the same sex doesn't mean that your monkies can't. Seriously, homophobes should all be skinned and hung by their teeny little testicles to be pecked at by carrion fowl.
Let them hump each other. But have them tested to make sure that neither has anything communicable, and leave them with enough K-Y or wet, or you'll have costly veterinary bills when you need to have their anuses fixed.

Flare123
1st Aug 2001, 10:30 AM
ok thanks, I didnt realize that can happen between 2 monkeys.
I thought they had some mental problem or something.

The_Shadow_Knows
1st Aug 2001, 11:48 AM
Dr Dr CHRTSt, I like to walk out in public with my dick hanging out and people on the street condem me for doin it! Infact i was standin at the bus stop with it fully errected and an ole women beside me passed out in from lookin at it! Now the police lock me up and have locked a chasity belt on me so I can't pull it out in public! Please help all I want to do is express my self to everyone and beable to walk freely with my dick hanging out.. Thanks and I really do enjoy your show :)

CHRYSt
1st Aug 2001, 12:57 PM
Originally posted by The_Shadow_Knows
Dr Dr CHRTSt, I like to walk out in public with my dick hanging out and people on the street condem me for doin it! Infact i was standin at the bus stop with it fully errected and an ole women beside me passed out in from lookin at it! Now the police lock me up and have locked a chasity belt on me so I can't pull it out in public! Please help all I want to do is express my self to everyone and beable to walk freely with my dick hanging out.. Thanks and I really do enjoy your show :)

Well, this is a problem. I mean, it's your penis, right? Well unfortunately, the US of A was founded by a bunch of jesus loving hippies. Hence, their Jesus loving ways have persisted over the years as new generations of Jesus lovers continue the tratition of fear, bigotry, and inhibition. One manifestation of this is what are known as "decency laws." Unfortunately, these laws are supported, and enforced by the courts and law enforcement. This means that if you want to live in this country, there's nothing you can do but adhere.

However, you can make a stand. You can go out with your Mr. BoJangles swinging all over the place, and simply gun down any Jesus loving hippy who stands in your way. You may end up martyred, but it will be a precedent for all exhibitionists to follow.
And just think, perhaps your death will cause such an uproar that women will walk down the street fully nude for us all to ogle at will. Every man will thank you. Songs will be sung in your honor, and small children will want to grow up to be "Just like the guy who ended the Jesus loving hippy reign!" Wouldn't it be wonderful? Boobies on every street, bouncing before everyone's eyes. O what a brave new world it will be!

The_Shadow_Knows
1st Aug 2001, 01:41 PM
Hey I like the idea, but i want to be around when the boobies are bouncin around :p

Limbo
1st Aug 2001, 03:48 PM
Dr Doctor CHrYst

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... My mate John just passed me a Blunt, and NAPALMED my God Damned CROUCH!!!!! *OUCH* Mutha FUKA can't roll fur $hite.

MY crouch is on fire, What shall I do?

ZenPirate
1st Aug 2001, 05:05 PM
Have you tried asking the voices why they don't like you? Perhaps you should take a moment to look at yourself from their point of view. You may just realize that you want to kill yourself as badly as they want you too.
And leave the cat alone. Jello has better purposes.

Thanks for the advice! Anyway,I know jello has better purposes,but I can't get the Mrs. into the aluminum foil helmet,and my bathtub just isn't big enough anyway.dammit....Anyway,me and the boys are getting along much better now!

Flare123
1st Aug 2001, 05:45 PM
Dear Dr. Chryst,

is it safe to eat p00p thats been pissed on?

pine
1st Aug 2001, 06:44 PM
Hey Flare, quit hogging Dr. CHRYSt. Other people have problems too, ya know......

Flare123
1st Aug 2001, 06:55 PM
I got lots of problems ok, and besides hes able to answer all of them. I dont think he minds.

D66
1st Aug 2001, 11:00 PM
Originally posted by CHRYSt
Your desire to take over the world puts you in direct opposition to me. An army of trained monkeys armed with pointed sticks will arrive at your home shortly.
You may however, wish to have a look here. (http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) It may give you some pointers should I decide to forego my plans.

You both are FOOLS!!! My army of Giant Mutant Ninja Midgets combined with the mindcontroll rings already in circulation from my partner Ronnie Mervus, will render ME invincible!!!!!!! Your monkies will be swept aside like so much chaff when the 60ft Midget Masters begin their reign of terror as engagement ring wearing female zombies upset the very balance of society. WHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!



oh and while there may be MORE transvestite-hookers on Broad, The really Scarry/Creative ones ARE on Grace. Good call there

GameOverZ
3rd Aug 2001, 12:08 AM
http://gameoverz.homestead.com/files/comic1.gif

Laughter therapy.

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 08:17 AM
Originally posted by Limbo
Dr Doctor CHrYst
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... My mate John just passed me a Blunt, and NAPALMED my God Damned CROUCH!!!!! *OUCH* Mutha FUKA can't roll fur $hite.
MY crouch is on fire, What shall I do?
As a dirty pot smoking hippy, you derserve what you get. Please fan the crotch fire to effectively remove yourself from your place at the shallow end of the gene pool.
Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Dr. Chryst,

is it safe to eat p00p thats been pissed on?
Your own urine is sterile. Anyone else's is suspect. Eat at your own risk.

Flare123
3rd Aug 2001, 08:20 AM
Dear Doctor chryst

I have 2 bug bites on my arm and its annoying. what should I do? :(

and by the way, your picture of that retard in the wheel chair is missing, please gix it because thats funny :D

Limbo
3rd Aug 2001, 08:23 AM
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh!!!!

That hurts DOC!!!!!


/Me goes up in flames


P.S. I may smoke pot, but I ain't not God Damned Tree Hugging Hippy!!! I just have a Hedonistic Enthusiasm for Life, and I just Wonna Get Loaded :P

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 08:26 AM
Originally posted by Flare123
Dear Doctor chryst

I have 2 bug bites on my arm and its annoying. what should I do? :(

and by the way, your picture of that retard in the wheel chair is missing, please gix it because thats funny :D
You could always remove your arm. Or perhaps find yourself a large quantity of napalm, and blanket your entire area. That should remove a lot of the bugs that would bite in the future, as well as a whole lot of idiots.

Not much I can do about the pic. DNS is being retarded.

Flare123
3rd Aug 2001, 08:29 AM
retarded like that person in the pic? :D

ok thanks anyways man. :)

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 08:36 AM
Originally posted by Limbo
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh!!!!

That hurts DOC!!!!!

/Me goes up in flames

P.S. I may smoke pot, but I ain't not God Damned Tree Hugging Hippy!!! I just have a Hedonistic Enthusiasm for Life, and I just Wonna Get Loaded :P
Let it burn. Maybe the world will get lucky, and the third degree burns will cause a nice infection that will finish you off.

And you are a hippy. Denial is one of the first signs of stupidity. You see, many hippies have hedonism and tree hugging confused. Being in a drug induced happy state of mind 24/7 is not hedonism. Living for the sake of living pleasure is hedonism.
If you smoked up occasionally, I'd believe that you were perhaps, not a hippy. But your entire world seems to revolve around getting baked. And ebonics or no, Meat or vegan, whatever...a being high because you're too stupid to entertain yorself without the aid of pharmaceuticals makes you a dirty pot smoking hippy.

Hippies are a bane on my society. I'll send the monkey armies immediately.

Limbo
3rd Aug 2001, 09:56 AM
pffffffffffffff....

If I was a Hippy I would ph34r such a hostile view...



NOW PUT 'EM UP YA CUBICLED FACIST BIATCH!!!!

/Me puts on abestos suit
/Me sharpens pointy stick

:y5: :ripper:

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 10:14 AM
Originally posted by Limbo
pffffffffffffff....

If I was a Hippy I would ph34r such a hostile view...

NOW PUT 'EM UP YA CUBICLED FACIST BIATCH!!!!

/Me puts on abestos suit
/Me sharpens pointy stick

:y5: :ripper:
You seem to have a lot of pent up anger. This is a common thing amongst HID's or "Hippies In Denaial. You see, the fact that you can't seem to live with your hippy-ness naturaly causes anger.
Now you might want to find some other channel to send that anger into. Fighting me won't make you less of a hippy.

Being a hippy is a disease. It's nothing to be ashamed of, because lots of people have this infection. And fortunately, it is curable. There are several options available.
You could stop living on whether or not you've got a dime bag in your pocket. Or, if you just stopped living, it would work better. A symptom of your particular strain of the hippy virus is that your sperm count is more than likely intolerably low, and filled with double tailed retard tadpoles. Since the world doesn't need more cappers, you would be much better off if you were to go inhale a few liters of water. Or better yet, carbonic acid. That should cure the problem nicely. Consult your local doctor for the best option for you.

Limbo
3rd Aug 2001, 10:27 AM
HID...?

No laddie, Leader of Men, Lover of Women & Father of Children I am.


CHRYSt... I offended you?!! :confused:

Please feel free to flame me further to release your tension and frustration at being caged...

/Me likes the pain.

I'm leaving the office for the in 30 minutes, so please by all means let it all out, release the fury...



:lol: :stick: :lol:

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 10:30 AM
Originally posted by Limbo
HID...?

No laddie, Leader of Men, Lover of Women & Father of Children I am.

CHRYSt... I offended you?!! :confused:

Please feel free to flame me further to release your tension and frustration at being caged...

/Me likes the pain.

I'm leaving the office for the in 30 minutes, so please by all means let it all out, release the fury...

:lol: :stick: :lol:
I was in no way offended by your post. I simply offered advice on how to better deal with your urge to fight someone who gives advice.
No, I consider any who asks for advice a friend, and you are no different. But take my advice, consult your local physician, and ask him about the solutions I presented to help you with your hippy disease.

ZenPirate
3rd Aug 2001, 10:36 AM
Dear Dr.CHRYSt,
Is it ok to have "feelings" for inanimate objects?I have this end table that I would really like to "get it on" with ,but I don't think my friends would understand the relationship.

Limbo
3rd Aug 2001, 10:36 AM
/Me salutes CHRYSt :D

"May your Women Be Fertile and your Sons Strong!!!"


/Me goes off to find ma physican ;)

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 10:43 AM
Originally posted by ZenPirate
Dear Dr.CHRYSt,
Is it ok to have "feelings" for inanimate objects?I have this end table that I would really like to "get it on" with ,but I don't think my friends would understand the relationship.
I believe this would be related to a previous question about an anime chick. To hell with your friends. If you're in love with a Lay-Z-Boy, then that's none of their concern. But remember, everything in moderation. And the table won't mind if you've "got a headache" one night. Just leave it with an Ikea catalog and some Murphy's oil Soap. Besides, if it did mind, it's inanimate and can't! If only girls were end tables...

Just be careful since the end-table might be made of wood, and splinters are a very real problem.

BillyBadAss
3rd Aug 2001, 11:15 AM
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

When I have sex with girls I only stick it in their ass. They always seem to bitch whine and complain. One of them had the nerve to ask me to use lube! I told them that if God intended there to be lube for anal sex it would already be in your ass. Could you tell me once and for all who is right and who is wrong?

CHRYSt
3rd Aug 2001, 11:21 AM
Originally posted by BillyBadAss
Dear Dr. CHRYSt,

When I have sex with girls I only stick it in their ass. They always seem to bitch whine and complain. One of them had the nerve to ask me to use lube! I told them that if God intended there to be lube for anal sex it would already be in your ass. Could you tell me once and for all who is right and who is wrong?
You're wrong.
Not about only wanting to do it in the ass, but all the rest.
First, God had nothing to do with it. There's no lube, cause p00p is it's own lube.
Second, what's wrong with smearing a little K-Y down there? I guarantee it'll make it better for the both of ya.
Third, you should try it the other ways. They're all fun. There's a reason that girls have so many holes. It's cause they're all meant to be filled with penis.
And fourth, if she's whining and complaining, you need to stop doing whatever she's bitching about. If she tells all her friends that you suck in bed, and wouldn't even listen when she told you what she didn't like, you'll have a lot of trouble getting other chicks later on.

Gir
16th Aug 2001, 05:06 AM
Dear Doctor CHRYSt,

Please read this: http://forums.planetunreal.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=678699&t=8350#post678699 if you haven't already.

My Norn Suzie was killed by a mean Grendel. She was still so.. young and innocent. I may have been able to do something against it if I would have been more responsible. I struggle with heavy feelings of remorse and regret. I can't eat, I hardly sleep and my friends are thinking I'm listening to Johny Osborne.
When I do manage to get some sleep, I only get these nightmares where Suzie is getting molested again and again. And I cannot do anything about it.
I.. I wub you Suzie.. :(

Dr. CHRYSt... what should I do?

pine
29th Aug 2001, 11:51 PM
Dr. CHRYSt, where are you? My little brother told me recently that when nervous, in doubt, or in an uncomfortable situation where I didn't know what to do or say, I should just try humping something. Is this sound advice?

AriTheDog
26th Sep 2001, 03:22 AM
Dear Dr. Chryst,

i'm a long time reader, first time poster. in another thread, war-ped mentioned this:

"the REAL question here

what if your wang hangs to the left O_o"

well... my wang hangs to the left. and since he mentioned it, i'm not afraid to talk about it any more!

now that you know the problem, what can i do about it? i've tried lotions, i've tryed vices, hell, i've even tried jerking off with the other hand!

nothing seems to work!

your help will be appreciated!

XOXO,

-AriTheDog