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MRHYDE
21st Feb 2001, 12:24 PM
"The Hunt for Turd Burglur"
for my buiddy LiquiD_SiN


As my memories dance… like fairies in the mist, my anger grows and now I am pissed.
For a man stole from me… he took that which was brown and gnarl…
He reached in my pants and stole a perfectly good hot Carl…

I have come to this wasteland looking for him, to make him pay.
The back alley at Denny’s I heard he was here today…

What is wrong with him? Of that, I am not completely sure.
I do know one thing though; my bare hands are the cure.

You see here is my problem, with the actions that he did.
Read no further weak of heart… it is not my fault if you did.

I had this thing… lets say of female persuasion,
Big and rotund… (if you get my insinuation)
She was not attractive, no not even for “LiquiD_SiN”
I mean I’ve seen the girls he likes and most look like him.
Wait… hold on… back to my original rants
(If I talk too much more LiquiD_SiN will wet his pants)
So we know she was ugly, and heavily endowed…
But unluckily for me she chose me from the crowd.
She chased me to Walmart, which I though was quite rude.
I couldn’t even ditch her with some succulent Taco-Bell food.
Alas, I was wrong, I was a pork chop in her eyes…
But I knew deep in my heart… I would never be between her thighs…
She hounded and gave great chase, now hold on let me make my case.
The only thing I could think of was to poop in my pants.
I thought this would make her turn her toothless glance.
So I hid in a dumpster with hopes of laying some pipe
When I sat there poised for poopin’ I smelt something ripe.
I knew with these luscious nuggets, that surely she was beat.
So I confronted her… gave her that old time cowboy stare…
Turned around… ripped down my pants… wait… nothing but AIR.
That damnable turd burgler, made me feel down hearted…
My crush was not misled, because I only farted.
20 years ago I married said thing, yes I made her my wife, she now wears my ring.
CRAP.

So you see my life is just this… one large embarrassment.
If you knew the beast that is my wife… you would know what I meant.

Wait… a smell… one of urinal cakes and dandruff… he is close…

I have something for him, which has festered 20 years… the building joy is producing happy tears…
I will squat now to poop a poop unequalled in the books.
I will lay the trap underneath, right before he looks….
My trap is simple and a baboon could surely succeed…
The problem I have is where I should have pooped.. I merely peed.
DAMN… stage fright.

Hey… look over there… right behind you… a hot chick… nice…
“Hey baby wanna party with a real man?”
“No…” “that smell? I do not know? Is it you?”
“Hmmm, wait I guess that is me… you see it like this… wait where are you going? Come back here…
Lots of grown men poop themselves... its called pants filling… it’s the craze in Europe…
Wait…” “ I love you…” B1TCH

Somewhere in the background you hear the maniacal laughter of the turd burglur.

Morety
21st Feb 2001, 01:40 PM
I'm gonna rate this one 5 stars :)

Taskmaster
21st Feb 2001, 02:02 PM
(In the name of humor I guess I can sink to this level...)


"Turd Buglar has the 'runs!'"


I saw the guy that stole your turd,
I yelled at him to stop, but he flipped me the bird!
"Well that was rude," I said. "Oh how crude!"
"To steal a turd that someone else had 'poo'ed'."

What point could he have, what did it serve,
to snatch the "captain's log" showed a lot of nerve.
The crook took flight. He ran away fast,
and people "wretched" at the smell as he passed.

I had to think fast... what could I do?
I dialed 911 and report a stolen poo.
I gave my account and thought I was through,
but the dispatcher said they'd be here in an hour or two.

I decided to give chase, there was no time to lose,
if he escaped now, he might steal someone else's ooze.
I'll catch him for sure, and make him see the light,
that stealing turds from others just isn't right.

I followed my nose. How could I miss,
that smell like some badly cooked fish-dish.
I ran fast, I didn't dare dally,
and chased that crook right down an alley.

I sprang round a corner yelling "You've been naughty!"
But I stood face to face with a "Port-O-Potty!"
I had been tricked...by the crook I was duped,
and now I had lost track of that stolen poop.

I had done my best to make things right,
but I had failed to stop the thief that night.
I made my way home with all haste,
then locked the door before depositing my waste.


:D

Morety
21st Feb 2001, 02:07 PM
I believe you just topped Ode to Cheese Task :)

L_S
21st Feb 2001, 03:46 PM
Somewhere in the background you hear the maniacal laughter of the turd burglur.

sniff...sniff.....beautiful man.......beautiful......

MRHYDE
21st Feb 2001, 04:35 PM
I am glad you liked it... :)

Taskmaster
21st Feb 2001, 04:58 PM
OUCH! I guess I just have to take the "slight" that L_S gave my little poem... overlooking my creative effort, dashing my hard work to the floor like old gum. Dispite that I will once again pour my soul out in another installment in the life of the turd burglar.



"All's well in the END!"


A few days later it came to pass,
that Morety received a package from the postal lass.
She smiled and said "This box is for you,
but with no return address, I don't know from who."
[Editor's note: should be 'whom' but it doesn't rhyme)

Morety held the box and waved bye to the lady,
while the box seemed OK, he felt it must be shady.
But after he shook it hard and still no boom,
he took it inside and upstairs to his room!

He looked at the package, with wonder and fret,
but he still had no clue, no not even one yet.
Would the unibomber mail me a bomb,
or maybe it's homemade cookies from mom?

He'd open that box... yes, that's what he'd do,
then it gave it a yank, and a tug or two,
but the box wouldn't open, the tape did not budge,
as he struggled to open it, he yelled "Aw fudge!"

This box would be open he vowed with his life,
as he cut open the packing tape with his knife.
The flaps he pushed open, each to its side,
and stare at the contents the box did hide.

His eyes grew wide as he held up the prize,
a trophy of a bronzed turd and some flies.
Attached to the base was a handwritten note,
"Thanks for the fart jokes!" the turd burglar wrote.

The trophy was cleanly polished and oh so sporty,
ingraved with a message "To my friend Morety!"
He placed the trophy on a shelf over his bed,
and it sits there still, or so it is said.

So if you had wondered about where it went,
that stolen turd we now know was sent,
as a token of love to a long time friend,
and all worked out well in the END!

:D

(Not bad if I say so my self!)

UY
21st Feb 2001, 07:03 PM
You all need help. Now. ;)

PsychoMoggieBagpuss
22nd Feb 2001, 04:44 AM
they are beyond help.
Just stuff them full of medication and stick them in a padded cell somewhere.

I reckon the turd burglers probably Leornard the pocket monkey :D

Yellow5
22nd Feb 2001, 05:20 AM
Originally posted by UY
You all need help. Now. ;)

Well said UY. That's why I miss ya around here. :)

Morety
22nd Feb 2001, 01:25 PM
w00t! I won a prize :D

You guys really do all need help ;p

neener neener neener :D

UY
22nd Feb 2001, 07:39 PM
Originally posted by Yellow5


Well said UY. That's why I miss ya around here. :)

Hey ol friend! Hows life treating you? I miss you and the ol days as well.
I can start hangin here a lil more. Im a moderator at Unreality, have a job to do, and spend most of my time there.
There was such an influx of new faces here a year or so ago that I came here and didnt recognize hardly anybody....(sniff) ;)