Read this joke! I thought it was good!

  • Two Factor Authentication is now available on BeyondUnreal Forums. To configure it, visit your Profile and look for the "Two Step Verification" option on the left side. We can send codes via email (may be slower) or you can set up any TOTP Authenticator app on your phone (Authy, Google Authenticator, etc) to deliver codes. It is highly recommended that you configure this to keep your account safe.

Vortex

My last status sucked
Jan 19, 2000
1,457
0
0
41
Planet Express
Visit site
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said
to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle
safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
the horse, instead of on top."
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
LMAO!!!!!!!!!

-=666=-

bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
F

[FiS]Prophetus|PUF

Guest
Funny, well since we are on the joke topic...here's one...

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I

know why they record these conversations!)
*****************************

"Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark??"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"


bullet2.gif

Lure the Tiger out of the mountains...
Then run your @ss off fool!

[Ci]Prophetus][PuF][
 

Malsar

New Member
Dec 24, 1999
120
0
0
Canada
Visit site
Both of those jokes are hilarious! Good show fellas! I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard!

/~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif



bullet2.gif


"Learn about art Captain. When you understand a species' art, you understand that species"
-- Grand Admiral Thrawn
 

Serpico_TC|PuF

New Member
Feb 20, 2000
463
0
0
Portsmouth
Visit site
yeah good jokes guys.

The prob with being a student is you get them all via email every damn day. /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
Still funny tho /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
Just waiting for Prophetus to send us another piccy that will make our stomachs churn /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif

By the way, why do people put A$$ instead of *** or even better ARSE or ?!

Will this message be banned no, or are people just being overly 'nice'.
*** , thats not a bad word is it? Or is this more internet gibe? Kewl if it is /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif


bullet2.gif

I control the vertical and the horizontal.
 
F

[FiS]Prophetus|PUF

Guest
HAHA...I tried to send you some more gross pics, but the mail always comes back undeliverable...maybe you banned all my emails /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif. I'll send some funny stuff instead...not too much, I don't want to clog your email /~unreal/ubb/html/smile.gif
 
S

Selerox[PuF]

Guest
Try this one:

Scientists have suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, after considering the results of a recent analysis which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the findings 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of men gained weight, talked excessiively without making sense, became overly emotional, could'nt drive, failed to think rationally,argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

bullet2.gif

PuF: Come play dying.

Check out The Soundoff and have your say.
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Round of applause...

A man had a date with a girl. They started making out. She told him to put his finger in her p**sy. He did this, and then she tells him to put two fingers in. He does this and then she says to put all four fingers inside her.

She is moaning with pleasure and he thinks things are going well. She then tells him to put his whole hand inside her. He does this, and then she says to make a fist. He does this and she keeps moaning louder and louder.

Then she says for him to put his other hand inside her. He does this. She then says for him to clap his hands. He tries with all his might but he can't do it.

She looks at him and says "Tight, huh?"

-=666=-



bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
No turning back!

What's the speed limit of sex?

Sixty-eight! At 69 you have to turn around... /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

-=666=-




bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
! Coming before going...

Santa Clause comes down the chimney at the house of a hooker. She greets him as she wears a red, sleak night out-fit. She says, "Won't you stay?"

Santa replies, "I have to Go! Go! Go! I can't stay, otherwise millions of children will not get their toys on Christmas Day!"

So the hooker removes her outfit, leaving on just a bra and panties.

Santa replies, "I have to Go! Go! Go! I can't stay, otherwise millions of children will not get their toys on Christmas Day!"

So the hooker takes of her bra and panties.

Santa replies, "Got to Stay! Stay! Stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

-=666=-




bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Lighting the way...

A teacher asked her young charges about lit light bulbs. She asked if they had any advice for using a lit light bulb safely.

A little boy raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, "Never stick a lit light bulb in your mouth."

The teacher said, "That is very good advice. Where did you learn that?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night I heard my mom say to my dad, 'Turn the light out before you put that thing in my mouth!'"


-=666=- /~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif

bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Hard elbow...

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is a soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


-=666=-

bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Wait for the climax...

A man is sitting at a bar and says to the bar tender, "I'm horny, do you know where I could get some good lovin'?"

The bar tender replies, "Sure upstairs, two doors on the right."

So the man walks up to the second door on the right and in the middle of the room stood a beautiful hooker. He asked her, "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker answered, "$25!"

He said in astonishment, "Damn, you must be good for that price!"

The hooker said, "Look outside: see that apartment, I bought that with all of the hand jobs I have given."

The man paid and got a hand job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a blow job?"

The hooker answered, "$50!"

The man again replied, "Damn, you must be good for that price!"

The hooker stood up and said, "Look outside: see that car, I bought that with all of the blow jobs I have given."

So the man again paid and got his blow job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a little p**sy?"

The hooker stood up once again looking outside and said, "Look outside: see that city, I would own all of that if I HAD a p**sy!"


-=666=-


bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Frog in your throat...

A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"

The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's non-performance.

"Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there.

The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I am showing you!"

/~unreal/ubb/html/wink.gif
-=666=-


bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Full-service...

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?," she said, to which he responded, "I'm not really sure."

"Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone.

"Extra-large condoms to checkout."

A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left. A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked.

"Sure, but size do you need?," she said, to which he said, "Well, I don't know."

"Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout."

The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left.

Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl.

"Yep," she said, "what size do you need?"

"I don't know," he replied. She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout!"


-=666=-

bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF
 
N

NIGMA666

Guest
Hit the brakes!

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"


-=666=-

bullet2.gif

"You must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
[Ci]NIGMA666|PuF