View Full Version : A Loaf of Bread

26th Dec 2003, 04:37 AM
I wrote this on AIM the night before Christmas. It started out as me making up "schmimelooo," then turned into a story that just kinda went on. Anyway, it's random and funky, so here it is, without all the "SM0KE39:"s and some other minor edits.
Edit: now with paragraphs!

Schmimelooo. SCHMIMELOOO. Hahaha. HA! Pardon me, sir, but would you be so kind as to allow me to borrow a cup of SSCHMIMELOOOOOO? NO SCHMIMELOOO FO' YOU, FOO'! HA! So the schmimelooo says to the guy, "Hey! Da's my cheese!" and the guy's like, "stfu, SCHMIMELOOO!" And then this loaf of bread spontaneously combusted, and everyone was like, "Woah! Check out the FLAMES! DUDE!" So the bread sat there, ablaze, with a crowd of fools staring at it.

Eventually, the pressure became to much. The loaf of bread got up and started screaming at the crowd. The crowd laughed. The loaf of bread became further enraged. In a blind fit of pure anger and hatered, the loaf of bread flung itself into the crowd, igniting several of its memebers. The crowd screamed, and scattered. The loaf of bread laughed maniacally, taunting the crowd. Gradually, the bread became silent as it burned into a pile of ash.

Those in the crowd who had not tasted the fury of its fire gathered around its remains. Someone suggested that they prey, but the rest of the crowd KOed him before he could finish his sentence. Finally, a stray cat walked up and licked up the loaf's remains. The crowd watched the cat walk off. The crowd watched as the cat was struck by a speeding bus. The crowd watched as the cat's innards spilled all over the road. The crowd watched as someone stepped in the goo. The crowd watched as a streetcleaner cleaned up the goo. Someone in the crowd asked what that made of the loaf's remains. The rest of the crowd glared at him, and he fell silent. The crowd abruptly dispersed.

It started to rain. People were scrambling for shelter. One particularly stupid woman, who was shouting about her hair getting wet, was trying in vain to protect her head with a doughnut as she ran for cover. Of course, the doughnut got all gooey and unpleasant in the rain. The doughnut's glaze dripped on the woman's head and she went immediately insane.

A man noticed her sudden insanity, and quickly shot her dead. Another man saw him shoot her, and began to scream. The murderer noticed him, and shot him as well. A bolt of lightning struck the killer, then. Oddly enough, he survived, just barely. The man quickly placed his gun to his head, and finished the job.

Across the street, an explosion could be seen. Seven people flew out of the store's window. Seven people smashed their heads open on the street. An alarm went of in the store. Law enforcement officers arrived. Police lines were put into place. Traffic was blocked. There was a blackout. The rain turned to hail. It was getting close to midnight. There was a large earthquake. The store collapsed, killing half of the law enforcement officers. Half of the other half ran into each other, severely wounding one another. The remaining quarter picked up the wounded quarter and drove away.

The street was quiet, save for the sound of the hail. It hailed for hours. The hours turned to days. A week later, the street had been cleaned, and a new structure was being built in place of the old store. A fresh produce store, it was to be.

A nuclear explosive was set off, destroying half the city, including the half-built produce store. Not knowing who set off the bomb, the country bombed half of the rest of the world. The bombed half of the world became enraged. Bombs began to fly everywhere. The other half of the world got involved through treaties, or misguided attacks on them. The entire world was at war with itself. The war waged on for many years. Countless people died, for no apparent reason. The war continued. It continued through several generations. No one knew why they were fighting anymore. The planet was becoming less and less hospitable to life, due to all the destruction. Most of the earth's animals were extinct. Humanity's numbers were barely one thousandth of what they had been before the war.

Finally, one of the nations developed the ultimate weapon; a weapon that would destroy the world. Naturally, some moron was in power, and had it set off. The earth was destroyed. The earth's absence threw off the gravitational ballance of the solar system. In eighty-million years, the solar system collapsed, fifty-million years ahead of schedule. The effect this had on the rest of the universe was not apparent for billions of years. Ultimately, it led to what there is now. And that, my friend, is how the universe REALLY came to be.

26th Dec 2003, 07:31 AM
You're story SUCKED! It did'nt say what make and model of gun the killer used to kill the old lady, the witness, and finally himself.

27th Dec 2003, 03:31 AM
The story doesn't specify that the lady was "old," just that she was particularly stupid. Anyway, since it isn't specified, you can immagine him using whatever weapon that pleases you most.

27th Dec 2003, 08:56 AM
I like that cat though, and the bread was to die for.

28th Dec 2003, 11:02 PM
paragraphs! O_o

29th Dec 2003, 05:23 PM
Paragraphs have been added just for you, Sam.

29th Dec 2003, 06:31 PM
YAY! And Its all in smoke-esque fation. Enjoyable, in a weird chaotic way.

30th Dec 2003, 12:57 AM
I'm using this as my avatar in the Animenation forums. I find it amusing. I'm trying to make one where the guy shoots the other in the neck, but I can't get the blood spray right.
Edit: I decided to make him expend his entire magazine and blow the guy's head of instead. The image has been added.
Edit 2: another amusing if gruesome stick figure animation loop.

31st Dec 2003, 09:38 AM
whee! I enjoy. I'd make tons of gruesome stick-figure cartoons when I was in high-school

1st Jan 2004, 06:16 PM
Whutz wrong with the spray? If you are trying to more realistic, make it spray out into seperate red pixels.

10th Jan 2004, 01:40 AM
Finally took the time to finish this one.

10th Jan 2004, 02:17 AM
That one is mean.